The New American Idol Judge Is, Um…

American Idol is such a television sensation that it can pretty much get any name going, like Prince and Gordon Brown and, um, Taylor Hicks.

So when the American Idol producers decided to shake up the holy trinity of Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul and hire a fourth judge, they aimed as high as they possibly could. So who did they pick? Michael Jackson? Madonna? The resuscitated zombie corpse of Elvis Presley? The T-Rex out of Jurassic Park? No. The American Idol producers picked Kara DioGuardi.

What? Don’t look at us. We never said we knew who she was.

They say that a triangle is the strongest structure known to man, and that’s certainly true of the American Idol judging panel – even if that triangle is made of a smug man with tits, a man whose vocabulary is solely comprised of the words ‘dog’ and ‘Hollywood’ and the only woman alive who can break her nose on a dog.

It just works. Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are basically American Idol‘s good cop, bad cop and splutteringly incoherent cop. You’d have to be a gigantic fool of epic proportions to meddle about with that line-up. Which is why someone from American Idol has done exactly that and announced that, as of next season, Kara DioGuardi will become the fourth American Idol judge.

Oh, come on. You know. Kara DioGuardi. She’s that woman who did that thing. You remember. She’s got that haircut. Possibly wears make-up sometimes. Come on.

Oh, alright. We haven’t got the foggiest idea who Kara DioGuardi is either. But Wikipedia knows, and it says she’s a songwriter and producer responsible for hits like Spinning Around by Kylie Minogue, Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani and Ooh Ooh Baby by Britney Spears. You just can’t argue with a pedigree like that. Unless you have ears, in which case you can go right ahead.

We can’t help feeling that this is a massive misstep on the part of the American Idol producers. Sure, Kara DioGuardi might know her way around a song, but when has American Idol ever been about songs? Everyone knows that it’s about wet-mouthed little turds belting out the occasional bad karaoke standard to punctuate the constant sadfaced retelling of their tragic backstory. And we’re fine with that. But songs? Urgh. How crass.

But why has American Idol suddenly decided to hire Kara DioGuardi as a judge anyway? We think we know why – the new season of X Factor has seen its audience boosted by about a million percent because Cheryl Cole out of Girls Aloud is the new judge and, since American Idol‘s ratings have dropped slightly in recent years, it clearly wanted to pull the same trick.

But here’s the thing – people didn’t watch X Factor to see Cheryl Cole give considered feedback to people’s singing ability. They watched it because her footballer husband shagged a load of other women and they hoped that she’d start crying about it.

So we’re doubtful that Kara DioGuardi will make much of an impact on American Idol. That is unless her boyfriend once got so drunk that he puked on a slag while having sex with her. We’re not idiots.


  1. Ellie says

    Nobody is gonna care about Kara. They are hoping it will make more people tune in to watch how Paula will react with a new woman judge. and with cheryl Cole.. maybe they opened with great ratings, but its one thing to open with great ratings. Its another thing to keep them throughout the season. Maybe Kara will help increase the ratings for the First new episode of season 8 (curious people wanting to see how she and paula will get along). but like I said, its another thing to keep the ratings that high. and its been nr 1 for 7 years with the current panel, so its clearly working Fine with just them

  2. american idler says

    I was excited about that new judge, kara,until I googled her name and found out there were no pictures of her with her top off.

  3. says

    As usual the stupid American TV cunts blew it.
    What they need is a meta-judge who reviews the judges’ judgments.
    “Oh, Simon, I thought THAT was a bit stale.” etc.
    A fourth judge is like a fourth leg on a stool – unneeded and
    makes it wobble. Not that I give a fuck about this. Honestly,
    do people ever go outside anymore? I know I don’t, but I have
    no legs and my cart is rusty. If it weren’t for the Interwebs
    and fucking my dead mother’s dead pets, I really wouldn’t have
    any reason to live. There’s just no place in the world for a malformed
    half-man covered in scabs. Is there? Didn’t think so. But I digress.
    If you watch this show, here’s a hint: put your eye up against the flash
    bulb of your camera and keep snapping until you can’t see. Then
    move over to the other eye. Repeat. Problem solved.