Paul McCartney Stumps Up Final Divorce Deal Today

Paul McCartney Heather Mills Divorce Deal judge today courtToday is a momentous day – it's the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we're pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she's not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she's been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

In the future, scrotum-faced old millionaires are going to think twice before they marry one-legged former pornstars, and it's all thanks to this divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Sure, Paul and Heather looked like a cute couple to begin with – OK, not a cute couple; more like a wonk-faced disabled lady taking her granddad out to keep his mind active – but just look at the way things have fallen apart.

The divorce has been equally acrimonious on each side. Heather Mills has accused Paul McCartney of stabbing her, plus she's done several deranged screaming television interviews about the divorce, while Paul McCartney possibly had it off with a rich American and waggled his head about like the Churchill dog a bit afterwards.

But today all the nastiness will come to an end. Yes, we know we said that a month ago when Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were supposed to finalise their divorce but couldn't stop arguing – but this time it looks like it really might be all over. As BBC News reports, the judge who decides how much cash Heather Mills gets will make his final decision today:

Sir Paul McCartney will find out later how much of his fortune he is expected to hand over to estranged wife Heather Mills in their divorce settlement. The couple failed to reach an agreement in court last month, leaving the judge to determine the final figure. Divorce experts have estimated Ms Mills could walk away with £60m of Sir Paul's estimated £825m fortune. Speculation over the sum has been rife in the press, but Mr Justice Bennet is not obliged to reveal the details.

He's not obliged to, but he probably will anyway. Today's not going to a particularly brilliant day for either Paul McCartney or Heather Mills – they're both effectively having 'shit at marriage' rubberstamped into their permanent records – but at least it means that their painful 22-month separation process will be finished.

Yeah, as if. Common consensus says that Paul McCartney will be told to pay Heather Mills £25 million today. For the average British worker that's about 834 years of wages, but for Heather Mills it's half as much as she thought she'd be getting. And that means that Heather's now far more likely to drag the divorce through an expensive, emotionally-draining and – most importantly – public appeals procedure. Joy.

Like most people, we're past caring what happens in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce any more. All we hope is that, whatever Paul McCartney has to pay, it'll be worth whatever he made letting American Idol massacre all those Beatles songs last week. Somehow, we don't think it will.

Read more:

McCartneys to learn divorce deal – BBC