As Gene Simmons’ old band Kiss once sang “I wanna rock and roll all night/ and judge creatively suspect reality TV shows every day!”
Prophetic lyrics indeed, because that’s now what Gene Simmons has found himself doing. But before we tell you exactly what creatively suspect reality TV show Gene Simmons has agreed to judge, we should warn you that it absolutely isn’t a joke – this show really is going to exist quite soon.
OK. Ready? Jingles. Advertising jingles. Gene Simmons from Kiss is going to judge a reality TV show about advertising jingles, where contestants have to write advertising jingles for various products and Gene Simmons judges the jingles and someone wins some cash. The show’s called Jingles, by the way, as opposed to its working title of What’s That In The Toilet? Oh, It’s Gene Simmons’ Career.
As we all know, Gene Simmons is a business mastermind. He can slap the Kiss logo on anything he wants and he’ll make a buck out of it. He can spot world-changing music talents like Lil’ Chris a bloody mile off and he’s so sexy that women want to sleep with him even when he’s all gross and inert and on film and stuff.
And now that Kiss have properly broken up forever, Gene Simmons can go back to his first love – shamelessly narcissistic self-promotion. And what better way to do that than by judging a reality TV show based on the creative process of writing advertising jingles? Huh?
Oh wait. Every single way you could possibly ever think of in a million lifetimes is better than that. Never mind, Gene Simmons has already signed up for the bastard, so there’s not a lot he can do about it. Reuters reports:
CBS has tapped Simmons to judge the reality show “Jingles,” the latest TV series from Mark Burnett. The show, slated to premiere later this year, will feature contestants writing and performing jingles for a variety of subjects, ranging from food products to sports teams.
Read that again. Read it slowly. There’s going to be a reality TV show about jingle-writing, and Gene Simmons is going to judge it. A reality TV show about jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Genegles. We think we’ve just had a stroke.
We genuinely can’t imagine how terrible Jingles is going to be. There’ll be five minutes at the start where someone will say to the contestants “Write me a jingle about biscuits,” then 45 minutes of the contestants looking into the distance with a notepad on their knee, then five minutes of the contestants hitting the ‘Samba’ button on their Casio keyboard and singing “Biscuits biscuits yum yum yum/ I can stick them up my bum,” and another five minutes of Gene Simmons telling them it’s rubbish. End of show.
We’re starting to get the impression that Mark Burnett picks his reality TV show subjects by jabbing a pin into a copy of the Yellow Pages, you know. That theory will no doubt be proved next year when he premieres his new show about carpet and rug manufacturing. Judged by the bassist out of Def Leppard.
gir says
HAS YOUR FAMILY TRIED EM POWDER MILK
HAS YOUR FAMILY TRIED EM POWDER MILK
WELL IF YOUR FAMILY’S TRIED EM
THEN YOU KNOW YOU’VE SATISFIED EM
THEY’RE THE REAL HOT ITEM POWDER MILK
paulus says
this actually sounds amazing!
David Bryden says
Coincidentally, most of the jingles will feature long guitar solos. And the contestants will all stick their tongues out.
EMILY A COLE says
I was watching this show Tuesday Aug 17th and was upset to see Nick Simmons weraing a Marine Corps dress blue jacket. This was so disrespectful to the Marines who earned the right to wear this jacket. I am a Woman Marine Veteran, and my 4 brothers and 2 sons and Uncle are all Marine Corps veterans.Last year on the show “Do you thinkyou can dance”, one of the judges Mia Michaels wore a dress blue jacket and the show got many calls and letters about this. On the next show she did apologize for disrespecting this uniform of the United States Marine Corps.
Semper Fi