Here’s Kara DioGuardi, The American Idol Judge You Don’t Care About

Adding a fourth American Idol judge is a bad idea - like adding a fourth wheel to a tricycle, or a fourth leg to the injured dog that walks around hospitals on wheels sometimes.

Not to stretch that metaphor, but it would be fine if the fourth dog leg was as famous as the other three dog legs, but it’s not - it’s a weirdly anonymous dog leg that you wouldn’t even recognise if someone hacked it off and waved it around by itself away from all the other dog legs. Understand? Good.

Anyway. Kara DioGuardi, the new fourth American Idol judge, has now been formally introduced to the public. We could have just said that instead of banging on about dog legs and saved everyone a lot of time and confusion, we suppose. Oh, will we ever learn?

We’re gigantic American Idol fans and we literally treat the show like a God-figure, following its every command. For instance, every time we see the Coca Cola logo on American Idol, we drink two litres of Coca Cola. That’s why, if you ever meet us, we always need to go to the toilet and our teeth are brown and soft.

And because of our serf-like American Idol obedience, this week’s announcement that the new fourth American Idol judge would be songwriter/producer Kara DioGuardi sent us scurrying to the shops to buy every single CD she’s ever worked on. And boy oh boy are we ever glad we did that.

Honestly, we can’t imagine how we survived for so long without knowing the majesty of I Am Me by Ashlee Simpson, nor the eloquent magnificence of Dignity by Hilary Duff. And, just so this is out in public, when we die we want Take It Away by Becky Baeling from the album Ultra Dance 04, perhaps the pinnacle of Kara DioGuardi’s professional achievements, played at our funeral.

But just because we already know so much about Kara DioGuardi that we could probably become fairly proficient stalkers, you don’t know anything about her at all, do you? That’s why it’s lucky that the American Idol gang have formally introduced her to the world during the American Idol auditions in New York.

This is your big chance, Kara. Show everyone what a sparkly, effervescent and charismatic wundergurl you really are! People reports:

DioGuardi admits it was initially intimidating to join the judges’ panel, especially due to Cowell’s notorious reputation for being Idol’s resident meanie. “I was a little bit,” DioGuardi confessed, “but I’m going to hold my own.”

Kapow! Now that’s charisma if ever we saw it. Viewers will be able to see Kara DioGuardi on American Idol when the new season starts in January. Our advice to Kara? Wear clothes that contrast with the chair you sit on. We wouldn’t want people to forget you’re even there, would we?