Articles tagged with: Jennifer Lopez
Fresh from riding a bike around Malibu and expecting everyone to be impressed, Jennifer Lopez has thrown a great big party for Marc Anthony's 40th birthday. We know. Marc Anthony is only 40. Weird, isn't it? To look at his wizened old face we'd have thought that he was at least 80, or maybe 75 if he'd led an especially hard life. But no, Marc Anthony is apparently 40 and so Jennifer Lopez got to throw a party for him. We don't know how Jennifer Lopez does it. She's the mother of six-month-old twins, she recently took part in a triathlon and she's also thrown a party for Marc Anthony. How on earth does she manage it all? What's that? Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire who can afford the best nannies, personal fitness trainers and party organisers that money can buy? Oh. We thought it might have been because of her bum or something.
Jennifer Lopez could beat you in a fight, have no doubt of that - she'd trample your stupid face into the dirt and then shatter your ribs with her arse. What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that's why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you're slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body's slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that's a scientific fact. What's even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez's part, but there's also a nice little kickback for the twins, too - now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!
Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can't even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei. Don't worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides - like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can't work and sues you for $5 million. That's what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway. The lawsuit hasn't gone through yet, so we don't know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.
We can all be a bit demanding sometimes.
Why, only the other day, the people in the office next door had their radio playing too loud, so hecklerspray stormed over there and ordered them to turn it off.
They didn't listen, of course, but once we tipped that vial full of the Ebola virus into their coffee maker, they soon quietened down. After a few hours of tortured screaming and vomiting, that is. Still - it beat The Chris Moyles Show hands down.
We're just grateful, though, that we don't have to deal with stroppy diva Jennifer Lopez, whose sense of self-importance is now seemingly so large it may have to obtain planning permission simply to exist. She decided to go on a little shopping excursion to the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset’s Miracle Mile last week, you see, and members of staff have blabbed to Page Six magazine about what an unrepentant twat she was acting.
Jennifer Lopez, my how we’ve watched you grow.
It seems only yesterday you were hangin’ with Puff Daddy with your corn rows and white jeans while he didn’t shoot Tupac. Then came the Ben Affleck phase, which cursed us all with morphing celebrity couple names into one obnoxious word, but you moved on to get married to a gaunt lizard man like Marc Anthony and have babies like we always hoped you would.
Well, looks like there’s nothing left for you to do. What’s that, Jennifer Lopez? You’re making a reality show? No. Listen carefully – there’s nothing left for you to do.
It's been a hard month, knowing that Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins but not being able to see what they look like.
Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez's twins - do they have their mother's eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots - but now the truth is finally out.
The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez's twin babies have been published on the front cover of today's People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez's twins look perfectly fine - although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn't knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.
Jennifer Lopez has finally decided to announce the name of her newborn twins - they're called Max and Emme.
"Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart," you're probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, "They're not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme."
To which we say, do you know what the twins' full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that's what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.
According to highly scientific calculations, Jennifer Lopez has been pregnant for anywhere between 12 and 15 years.
Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant - last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies - a boy and a girl - that she's been expecting since the summer of 1963.
Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez's twins yet - it's only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.
