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Hugh Hefner

In Other News: A Girl With Big Boobs Gets Married

by Stuart Heritage

Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You’ve brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married.

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Kendra Wilkinson Is The Virgin Mary Or, Dunno, Something

by Stuart Heritage

OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn’t the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper.

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Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Completely Different To Her Predecessors

by Stuart Heritage

See that headline? That’s a complete lie – Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend is gaspingly identical to every single one of her predecessors.

Sorry. We just thought that it’d make a nice change from you having to read the headline ‘Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits’ for once. We were thinking of you, honest.

But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend? Why it’s Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and… no, actually that’s it. Basically we’re saying that if you removed Crystal Harris’ hair and breasts, you’d essentially be left with a doorstop.

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Hef Says Merry Xmas Via Karissa And Kristina Shannon’s Norks

by Stuart Heritage

You can stick all this baby Jesus nonsense up your wazoo – nobody knows the true meaning of Christmas more that Hugh Hefner.

And that’s that Christmas is a time when even the world’s most frail-looking 82-year-old man can live out his increasingly creepy wish-fulfilment fantasies by posing with two 19-year-old twins who’ve had their boobs slathered with paint.

And thanks to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, that’s exactly what Hugh Hefner got to do – Hugh’s Christmas card this year features him standing between the bodypainted Karissa and Kristina Shannon with a facial expression situated somewhere between ‘smug’ and ‘kidnap victim’. God bless us, every one.

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Now Kendra Wilkinson Breaks Hugh Hefner’s Mangy Old Heart

by Stuart Heritage

Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends are fleeing at an amazing rate – it’s almost as if withered octogenarians aren’t sexy any more, isn’t it.

First Hugh Hefner’s heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends – the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson – has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well.

Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it’s hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they’ll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.

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Hugh Hefner ‘High Maintenance’ Says Fake-Blonde Nudey Bimbo

by Stuart Heritage

When Hugh Hefner and Holly Madison split up, it darn-near destroyed our belief in relationships between people with a 54-year age gap.

It hasn’t, of course – which is why we’ve still got the horn for Fidel Castro – but it did come close. For the life of us, we couldn’t work out why the pretty young topless model Playmate Holly Madison split up with a wrinkled old almost-dead pensioner like Hugh Hefner.

And now we know. Speaking about the split, Holly Madison has said that she ended things with Hugh Hefner because he was so ‘high maintenance’. And, coming from a woman who looks like she needs six hours each morning to paint herself exactly the right shade of orange transvestite, that must be really saying something.

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Criss Angel Pulls A Playboy Bunny Out Of His Pants

by Stuart Heritage

Now we know why Holly Madison dumped Hugh Hefner – he didn’t dress enough like a Poundstretcher My Chemical Romance.

But you know who does? Criss Angel, the magician who’d be just like David Blaine if only David Blaine a) did magic tricks any more and b) constantly walked around in clothes that made him look like an emo weekend dad having a chronic mid-life crisis regardless of how much of a ridiculous tithole everyone thinks he is.

But Criss Angel must be doing something right, because he’s Holly Madison’s new boyfriend. Word has it that Criss Angel ensnared Madison by performing a number of magic tricks that Hugh Hefner could never do, like running up the stairs, doing the Can-Can and getting an erection unaided. But can Criss Angel doze off in an armchair in the afternoon while doing some gentle Sudoku? No he can’t – Hefner will always have that.

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Hugh Hefner Splits Up With Generic Blonde Booby-Model

by Stuart Heritage

Good news, girls – Hugh Hefner, the richest, sexiest, most prolifically sleazy frail old doddery 82-year-old man on Earth, is single again.

Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.

Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.

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Hugh Hefner: Hey Miley Cyrus, Get Naked For Playboy

by Stuart Heritage

Now that you’ve seen part of her back and about a third of one of her bras, Miley Cyrus is a certified sex object.

What? Miley Cyrus is only 15? Well, um, obviously we were joking about that sex object bit. The supple, milky-white backs of teenage girls are so disgusting to us that we think they should all be burnt with flaming torches. But Playboy’s Hugh Hefner has another idea. You can probably guess what it involves.

That’s right – Hefner has asked Miley Cyrus to appear naked in Playboy. But don’t worry, because Miley Cyrus won’t be getting naked for Playboy until she’s 18, the age where people immediately stop having moral objections to teenage nudity. Until then, though, it looks like you’ll just have to wait until the inevitable Miley Cyrus naked internet photos. Perverts.

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