See that headline? That’s a complete lie – Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend is gaspingly identical to every single one of her predecessors.
Sorry. We just thought that it’d make a nice change from you having to read the headline ‘Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits’ for once. We were thinking of you, honest.
But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend? Why it’s Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and… no, actually that’s it. Basically we’re saying that if you removed Crystal Harris’ hair and breasts, you’d essentially be left with a doorstop.
2009 looks set to be a magical year for Hugh Hefner. It’s the year he’ll celebrate his 83rd birthday, at which point the thought of him having sex with a robotic bimbo a quarter of his age will miraculously become incrementally creepier.
And make no mistake, Hugh Hefner is going to have lots of creepy borderline-arthritic sex with robotic bimbos a quarter of his age this year. For a while at the tail-end of last year it didn’t look like it’d happen, with girlfriends leaving him either because they wanted to get married to athletes or because they wanted to find a boyfriend whose naked body didn’t look and feel exactly like a big pink chicken wattle. We presume.
But this year Hugh Hefner is back up to his wazoo in girlfriends. He has the teenage twins from his Christmas card who rarely wear more than a thin coat of emulsion, and now he’s decided to reveal the latest name in his roster. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for you to meet Crystal Harris.
Yes, Crystal Harris. That’s really her name. We believe it’s because she’s got an arsehole made of quartz. But that’s neither here or there. We’ll let the New York Daily News do the introductions:
“I believe in opening your heart and letting your walls down, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all,” Harris says on her site, which is peppered with Disney characters, cute animals, inspirational quotes and plenty of pink. And, of course, the ubiquitous lingerie photos. Harris hasn’t posed for her boyfriend’s magazine.
So, she likes opening her heart and letting her walls down, eh? We’re not too sure we’d trust this Crystal Harris character as a cardiac surgeon or an architect if we’re honest. Unless both of those things were just euphemisms for her vagina. In which case we might consider letting her perform some form of minor open-chest surgery on us, but only under the proper supervision.
Aside from the blonde hair and the big boobs, it goes without saying that Hugh Hefner likes Crystal Harris for her mind. And who wouldn’t, when her MySpace page lists such a diverse array of interests:
“the rain, the seasons, fast cars, good food, volunteering, great company, caring and honest people, the ocean and animals.”
Ah, the rain and seasons, even though one of those aforementioned seasons is generally notorious for a lack of rain. And notice that while Crystal Harris likes great company, she only likes good food. Serve her great food and she’ll spit it all back in your face, you worthless bastard. Also, we can’t help but notice that Crystal Harris missed ‘having sex with millionaire octogenarians purely because they’ll let me be in their reality TV show and they might leave me the mansion when they die’ off the list.
Funny that.
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Julian Mentat says
This is getting kind of sad. Because if I were a millionaire devoted to getting my jollies, I’d choose women of all different races rather than a sequence of clones. And I think that goes for anyone who doesn’t actually wear a pointy-hooded white bedsheet on weekends. So Hef must be hopelessly pursuing some ideal woman, probably from his past (because it’s very much larger than his future).