You can stick all this baby Jesus nonsense up your wazoo – nobody knows the true meaning of Christmas more that Hugh Hefner.
And that’s that Christmas is a time when even the world’s most frail-looking 82-year-old man can live out his increasingly creepy wish-fulfilment fantasies by posing with two 19-year-old twins who’ve had their boobs slathered with paint.
And thanks to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, that’s exactly what Hugh Hefner got to do – Hugh’s Christmas card this year features him standing between the bodypainted Karissa and Kristina Shannon with a facial expression situated somewhere between ‘smug’ and ‘kidnap victim’. God bless us, every one.
Hugh Hefner’s had a rough year. Not only has the wealth of free porn on the internet basically rendered Playboy irrelevant, but his personal life has taken a bit of a kicking, too. First, Hugh Hefner’s generic blonde booby model of a girlfriend left him, shortly followed by another generic blonde booby model of a girlfriend. Honestly, it’s almost as if topless models in the prime of their life aren’t attracted to creepy old octogenarians any more.
But if Hugh Hefner has learnt anything from this business, it’s that when one door closes another one opens – and behind that door you’ll usually find a couple of bright orange topless identical twins who are totally prepared to kiss each other with tongues in front of feeble old pensioners if it’ll make them a tiny bit famous.
And that’s how Hugh Hefner got together with Karissa and Kristina Shannon – two topless models (and aggravated assault arrestees) less than a quarter of Hefner’s age. We’re not sure what Karissa and Kristina Shannon saw in Hugh Hefner – maybe an old-school sophistication that you just don’t get from the younger generation, maybe the timeless twinkle in his eyes or maybe the massive house, reality TV show and huge possibility that he’ll die soon and leave everything to them. The truth is we just don’t know.
The important thing is that Hugh Hefner is happy with Karissa and Kristina Shannon. So happy, in fact, that he’s decided to put them on the front of his Christmas card this year.
That’s right – if you’re friends with Hugh Hefner, then this Christmas you’ll have received a card featuring Karissa and Kristina Shannon covered in bodypaint and flanking Hugh Hefner, who looks like the cat who got the cream, then realised the cream was actually twins who liked to touch each other on the boob and then got a bit sexually intimidated by the cream. News10 reports:
Even Christmas can’t be void of the sexy conduct displayed by Hugh Hefner and his Playboy co-eds. This year’s Christmas card will feature Hef with his new twin girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Hef is sporting his signature silk robe and pajamas while his latest girlfriends have pink body paint covering their chests in what is shaped as a mini-tank top donning the name ‘hef’.
But, as weird and creepy as it is to see 82-year-old Hugh Hefner standing next to two naked twins young enough to be his granddaughters, you have to pray that his relationship with Karissa and Kristina Shannon lasts.
Because if it doesn’t, next year’s Christmas card will feature Hugh Hefner and some naked 18-year-old triplets. And then, the year after that, naked 17-year-old quadruplets. And if Hugh Hefner manages to live until he’s 90? Well, nobody wants to see naked 11-year-old decaplets, do they? Not at Christmas.
Stuart Heritage says
Dread pirate sausage – I accidentally deleted your comment for this story, which is a pain in the tits because it was a) funny and b) true. Repost it and I’ll try not to be such a clumsy arse about it next time…
hef fan says
You must just be jealous or a fag, hef is the king
magnetite says
Soon Hefner will die. Then devils with millennia under their belts will make HIM their Playmate of the Century. And his tortured cries will be their Viagra…their Viagra I tell you! Muhahahahaha.