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Kate Winslet Has It So Much Harder Than Any Of Us Will Ever Know

by Stuart Heritage

Judging by her weird compulsion to thwonk her boobs out in every film she’s ever made, you might not think that Kate Winslet is very insecure.

But she is. Oh lord, she is. It turns out that Kate Winslet is so thunderingly insecure – about absolutely everything – that she makes Ally McBeal look like Darth Vader after a manicure and half a bottle of gin. How do we know this? Because Kate Winslet has raked over her endless neuroses for the new issue of Vanity Fair.

So, to save you the effort of buying the new issue of Vanity Fair, here’s a list of all the things that Kate Winslet is insecure about: her weight as a teenager, her weight now, her dress sense, the way she looks ‘wrong’, her stupid pointy nose, her awful screechy voice, her fat hands, the way the last syllable of her surname rhymes with a swearword and her ridiculous big face. We may have made some of those up, by the way.

Judging by her weird compulsion to thwonk her boobs out in every film she's ever made, you might not think that Kate Winslet is very insecure. But she is. Oh lord, she is. It turns out that Kate Winslet is so thunderingly insecure - about absolutely everything - that she makes Ally McBeal look like Darth Vader after a manicure and half a bottle of gin. How do we know this? Because Kate Winslet has raked over her endless neuroses for the new issue of Vanity Fair. So, to save you the effort of buying the new issue of Vanity Fair, here's a list of all the things that Kate Winslet is insecure about: her weight as a teenager, her weight now, her dress sense, the way she looks 'wrong', her stupid pointy nose, her awful screechy voice, her fat hands, the way the last syllable of her surname rhymes with a swearword and her ridiculous big face. We may have made some of those up, by the way.
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Kevin Smith Obliterates A Toilet With His Bottom

by Stuart Heritage

Observers of Kevin Smith might have noticed a change in his shape lately, in that he’s gone from ‘tubby’ to ‘perfectly spherical’.

Don’t think this hasn’t gone unnoticed, though – Kevin Smith himself is quite aware that he’s developing a bit of weight problem. It’s something he picked up on in the traditional way, by breaking a toilet under the weight of his own body.

According to an anecdote that he decided to tell a journalist of his own free will, Kevin Smith recently sat on a toilet only for it to fall away from the wall because of his enormous mass. At least we think Kevin Smith’s weight broke the toilet. It could have also been that Kevin Smith’s urine is high-pressured and grainy and essentially works like a manky-smelling water jet cutter. We simply don’t know.

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Huffman Says Eva Longoria Is A Fatty Fat Fatty Fatto Fat Fat

by Stuart Heritage

Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal.

There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal. There's no point arguing with any of that because it's all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria - the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel - is so morbidly obese that she'll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide. Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can't doubt Felicity Huffman's judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.
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FAT WATCH: Al Pacino Is Packing… Meat, Not Heat

by hecklerspray staff

FROM DIETPIXIE – At nearly 70, it’s hardly a surprise but the sprightly little megastar, Al Pacino, is finally filling out.

He’s been pictured looking pretty rotund and his archetypal black outfit was failing miserably to ‘slim’ his figure.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window)>>

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Michael Bay Orders Megan Fox To Chub The Flip Up

by Stuart Heritage

You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when she walks anywhere.

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2′s obvious crappiness.

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Jessica Alba: Pregnancy Made Her All Fat And Gross And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail.

Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

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Fern Britton: A Big Fat Not Especially Fat Liar

by Stuart Heritage

As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton’s integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy.

Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ‘em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.

As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton's integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy. Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton's drastic sudden weight-loss wasn't because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she's had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole. Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we're sure she's acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what's good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get 'em, Fern. They'll always be your friends.
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Robbie Williams Gets Snapped Looking Even Beefier

by hecklerspray staff

From Dietpixie – Robbie Williams – remember him? Yep, that bloke who once used to be in Take That, who left and became really successful, but then faded away again and now we never hear from him?

Well, the very same Robbie has been papped at his LA home, lounging by the pool with his lady – and by the looks of it he hasn’t half piled on the pounds.

He’s never been stick thin, and fair play to him for that. But he’s always been known as the ‘chubby one’, especially since Noel Gallagher labelled him ‘a fat dancer’ all those years ago.

Read the rest of this entry >>

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Lisa Marie Presley Sues For Not Being A Massive Lardarse

by Stuart Heritage

Because she’s pregnant, Lisa Marie Presley has very naturally bloated out to the size of, say, Luxembourg – but that doesn’t mean she’s very happy about it.

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you’d think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn’t fat, she’s pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she’s suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she’s successful, but the smart money’s on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

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Planet Earth! Kirstie Alley Can Help You Be More Like Her

by Stuart Heritage

Fatties! Are you still hurting because you never got to try out that Jessica Simpson fitness DVD?

Don’t be, because Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley has decided to help you out herself. According to a statement, Kirstie Alley has parted ways with weight-loss gurus Jenny Craig and she’s now dedicated to developing her own weight loss brand to help ordinary people like you look more like Kirstie Alley.

No, really, looking like Kirstie Alley is a good thing. Stop laughing. It is. Fine, be like that.

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