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Jessica Alba: Pregnancy Made Her All Fat And Gross And Stuff
By Stuart Heritage on Friday, July 11, 2008 at 6:00pm | One Comment
Jessica Alba: Pregnancy Made Her All Fat And Gross And Stuff While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail.
Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba's baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.
Anyway, we're judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she's concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we'll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.
Fern Britton: A Big Fat Not Especially Fat Liar
By Stuart Heritage on Monday, June 2, 2008 at 11:30am | 9 Comments
Fern Britton: A Big Fat Not Especially Fat Liar As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton's integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy.
Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton's drastic sudden weight-loss wasn't because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she's had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.
Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we're sure she's acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what's good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get 'em, Fern. They'll always be your friends.
Robbie Williams Gets Snapped Looking Even Beefier
By hecklerspray staff on Friday, May 9, 2008 at 12:00pm | 2 Comments
Robbie Williams Gets Snapped Looking Even Beefier From Dietpixie - Robbie Williams - remember him? Yep, that bloke who once used to be in Take That, who left and became really successful, but then faded away again and now we never hear from him?
Well, the very same Robbie has been papped at his LA home, lounging by the pool with his ...
Lisa Marie Presley Sues For Not Being A Massive Lardarse
By Stuart Heritage on Monday, March 10, 2008 at 4:15pm | 4 Comments
Lisa Marie Presley Sues For Not Being A Massive Lardarse

Because she's pregnant, Lisa Marie Presley has very naturally bloated out to the size of, say, Luxembourg - but that doesn't mean she's very happy about it.

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you'd think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn't fat, she's pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she's suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she's successful, but the smart money's on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

Planet Earth! Kirstie Alley Can Help You Be More Like Her
By Stuart Heritage on Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 6:00pm | One Comment
Planet Earth! Kirstie Alley Can Help You Be More Like Her

Fatties! Are you still hurting because you never got to try out that Jessica Simpson fitness DVD?

Don't be, because Fat Actress star Kirstie Alley has decided to help you out herself. According to a statement, Kirstie Alley has parted ways with weight-loss gurus Jenny Craig and she's now dedicated to developing her own weight loss brand to help ordinary people like you look more like Kirstie Alley.

No, really, looking like Kirstie Alley is a good thing. Stop laughing. It is. Fine, be like that.

Jessica Simpson Sued for Hurting Millions of Fatties
By hecklerspray staff on Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 2:45pm | 6 Comments
Jessica Simpson Sued for Hurting Millions of Fatties Did you wake up this morning feeling hurt? If you did then you’re probably fat.  

Hey, don’t throw that half-eaten Twinkie at us – those things hurt when they’re stale - it’s Jessica Simpson that’s to blame. She’s hurting fat people everywhere. Millions of them, in fact. At least, that’s what the company that is suing her over an unreleased fitness video is saying. The good news for hurt fat people is that you can stop blaming your slow metabolism, glandular problem, or your genetics and start blaming Jessica Simpson.

Try it. We like it.  

Janice Dickinson Vs Tyra Banks: Fat Fight!
By Stuart Heritage on Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at 1:00pm | No Comment
Janice Dickinson Vs Tyra Banks: Fat Fight!

Janice Dickinson has just spent three weeks in the jungle living off nothing but kangaroo anuses and the nervous energy that comes from listening to Christopher Biggins shriek like a schoolgirl every two seconds.

And all this has made Janice Dickinson thin. Not only that, but it's turned Janice Dickinson into a sort of fat-fairy who can twinkle into any room, wiggle her wand and declare that people are either fat or thin depending on nothing more than how she feels at any given moment in time. And, as such, Janice Dickinson has just told the world that Tyra Banks is fat on the Today show. Although Tyra Banks has yet to respond to Janice's fat claim, it's thought that she'll issue a statement by teatime declaring that Janice Dickinson lives in a cardboard box, has fleas and buys all her clothes from Asda.

That's unless she eats it first, the lardy moo.

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