Oprah Winfrey’s power is derived from the fact that, with enough speed behind her, she could dent a caravan quite critically.
So when Oprah Winfrey slimmed down, it hurt her power. “No I won’t read your book recommendations,” America told Oprah in unison, “because how will you punish me? By sitting on my chest? Pah! You won’t even shatter one of my ribs if you do that!” Oprah was doomed.
But fear no more, because Oprah has revealed that she’s fat again! She weighs 200lbs! It just goes to show that money can’t buy you power, but it can buy you lots of sausage rolls.
Oprah Winfrey has three main loves in her life: her power, the ability to change the world for the better with her power and morbidly shovelling fat handfuls of ice-cream into her mouth when she thinks everyone is asleep.
Actually, that last one’s a lie. Oprah Winfrey almost certainly doesn’t do that. She just looks like she might do, that’s all. Because Oprah Winfrey’s weight famously comes and goes like the tides. Specifically a version of the tides that crows relentlessly about how brilliant it is when it goes out, but then still slowly comes in again anyway until it has a bout of shame and goes on a terrifying liquid-only diet to make it go out.
Which is a kind of long-winded way of telling you that, by her own admission, Oprah Winfrey has got fat again. AP reports:
In January’s “O” magazine, Winfrey, 54, details her recent struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid and how the condition made her develop “a fear of working out.” She says she’s gained 40 pounds since 2006, when she weighed 160. “I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?”‘ the talk-show queen says in the article. “I’m embarrassed,” she says. “I’m mad at myself.”
So now Oprah’s weight stands at around 200lb – about the same as 18 cats, half a female lion or 120 hardback copies of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. It’s not the fattest that Oprah Winfrey has ever been, but it does mean we’ll have to put up with the sight of her running around with a wheelbarrow full of lard in a few months after she’s crash-dieted and lost it all again.
But so what? It’s been a tough year for Oprah Winfrey, and she needed all that extra weight. Not only did her added heft make her more of an imposing figure when she was trying to stop all the child abuse in her school, but it was also because she did a big interview with Tom Cruise this year, and Oprah needed to know that if he started jumping on furniture again she’d have the upper body strength to knock him unconscious.
However, Oprah Winfrey didn’t get to where she is today by merely accepting her lot, so we absolutely don’t doubt her ability to knuckle down and shed all her excess weight through nothing more than intense willpower and perhaps a dangerously faddy new diet that no sensible doctor would ever approve in sound mind.
Before long, we’re positive that Oprah Winfrey will be slimmer than ever – and she’ll remain that way for approximately three minutes before her resolve buckles and she charges into the nearest Krispy Kreme mouth-first and we have to go through this whole bloody palaver all over again. We can’t wait.