Yay! Oprah Winfrey’s Fat Again!

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Oprah Winfrey’s power is derived from the fact that, with enough speed behind her, she could dent a caravan quite critically.

So when Oprah Winfrey slimmed down, it hurt her power. “No I won’t read your book recommendations,” America told Oprah in unison, “because how will you punish me? By sitting on my chest? Pah! You won’t even shatter one of my ribs if you do that!” Oprah was doomed.

But fear no more, because Oprah has revealed that she’s fat again! She weighs 200lbs! It just goes to show that money can’t buy you power, but it can buy you lots of sausage rolls.

Oprah Winfrey has three main loves in her life: her power, the ability to change the world for the better with her power and morbidly shovelling fat handfuls of ice-cream into her mouth when she thinks everyone is asleep.

Actually, that last one’s a lie. Oprah Winfrey almost certainly doesn’t do that. She just looks like she might do, that’s all. Because Oprah Winfrey’s weight famously comes and goes like the tides. Specifically a version of the tides that crows relentlessly about how brilliant it is when it goes out, but then still slowly comes in again anyway until it has a bout of shame and goes on a terrifying liquid-only diet to make it go out.

Which is a kind of long-winded way of telling you that, by her own admission, Oprah Winfrey has got fat again. AP reports:

In January’s “O” magazine, Winfrey, 54, details her recent struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid and how the condition made her develop “a fear of working out.” She says she’s gained 40 pounds since 2006, when she weighed 160.  “I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?”‘ the talk-show queen says in the article. “I’m embarrassed,” she says. “I’m mad at myself.”

So now Oprah’s weight stands at around 200lb – about the same as 18 cats, half a female lion or 120 hardback copies of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. It’s not the fattest that Oprah Winfrey has ever been, but it does mean we’ll have to put up with the sight of her running around with a wheelbarrow full of lard in a few months after she’s crash-dieted and lost it all again.

But so what? It’s been a tough year for Oprah Winfrey, and she needed all that extra weight. Not only did her added heft make her more of an imposing figure when she was trying to stop all the child abuse in her school, but it was also because she did a big interview with Tom Cruise this year, and Oprah needed to know that if he started jumping on furniture again she’d have the upper body strength to knock him unconscious.

However, Oprah Winfrey didn’t get to where she is today by merely accepting her lot, so we absolutely don’t doubt her ability to knuckle down and shed all her excess weight through nothing more than intense willpower and perhaps a dangerously faddy new diet that no sensible doctor would ever approve in sound mind.

Before long, we’re positive that Oprah Winfrey will be slimmer than ever – and she’ll remain that way for approximately three minutes before her resolve buckles and she charges into the nearest Krispy Kreme mouth-first and we have to go through this whole bloody palaver all over again. We can’t wait.

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Comments

  1. Someone says

    This is the meanest article I’ve ever began to read. I can’t believe you think you can talk like this about another person.

  2. Steve Din says

    You’d think her billions would buy some liposuction… but really, this is proof that money and power can’t compensate for bad genes, by which I mean a certain body type and hungry fat cells.

  3. Mikey says

    So what she’s heavy. So are most of the lazy couch potatoes that watch her. I’m sure most of the people who read this article are fat. My question is…who cares???

  4. P. Singh says

    Poor Oprah. She has access to best advice, food, science and trainers in the world and she still can’t get it right. But there is hope.

    Here is a quote for Mark Sisson of Mark’s Daily Apple dot com- one of my favorite health blogs:

    “…here’s my challenge to you, Oprah: give me 60 days with the Primal Blueprint and I’ll give you your life back. Period. Guaranteed.”

    Truth be told, I think he could do it.

  5. says

    I DID HEAR HER OPRAH ON GMA AND YOU KNOW WHAT IF SHE LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND SAW THE WORLD AND HOW WE ARE ALL JUST GETTING BY SHE WOULD SEE SHE COULD GO AWAY AND NEVER RETURN AND NO ONE WOULD CARE…
    HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO SELFCENTERED….I ASK YOU IF I HAD SHE MONEY I WOULD BE GIVING TO PEOPLE WHO NEED IT..NOT COMPLAING ABOUT MY WEIGHT….AND BESIDES WHO REALLY CARES…
    GOD IS WATCHING AND WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND WHEN GOD SAY AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SHE WILL SAY I WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT AND WHEN HE ASK WHAT HAVE TO DO FOR OTHER SHE WILL SAY WHAT OTHERS….REALLY NOW OPRAH GET A LIFE AND SEE HOW THE REST OF THE WORLD LIVES..GIVE ME A BREAK..HOW CAN ANYONE LIVE WITH THEMSELVES BEING SO SELF CENTERED..
    LIKE I SAID GOD WILL JUDGE BUT I JUST WISH SHE WOULD GET OVER HERSELF…ALL SHE HAS TO WORRY ABOUT IS HER MONEY….
    SHE IS A VERY SICK WOMEN..AND LONELY…………

  6. nina says

    This is mean!! So what if she’s put on weight!!! She still looks pretty. But hey, our world is troubled and all you can talk about is Oprah’s weight….how sad for you. People are depressed, and scared of what is going on in the world and this is what brings you satisfaction? Go eat! LOL ha ha ha hah ah!!!

  7. says

    I feel compelled to comment – I am a fan of Oprah, and with her money I do think she does do *some* good. Here is my issue.

    Frankly, I don’t care about her weight and that woe is me, I feel guilty attitude. Eat a carrot and go for a walk woman! For someone who has endless resources the weight should not be an issue for her and if it is she just needs to own it and get over it.

    I recently lost about 45 pounds myself (over 18 months) and it is NOT easy, but I didn’t need millions of dollars and personal trainer and nutritionist and enterouge and makeup artist and clothing stylist to make it all happen.

    There I said it. Having been overweight myself and having made all the excuses in the book on “why I was fat” – I finally faced my music and owned it!

  8. says

    This reads more like one of those mean-spirited superficial blogs than a news article. Have some self-respect, for goodness sakes.

  9. clear says

    good work Stuart Heritage, all that time u spent in school learning to be a writer finally pays of by u writing about over weight celebrities, i bet you must be so thrilled with your carrer choice. heres to hoping u continure bashing people with weight problems and changing the world one pound a day.

  10. Julian Mentat says

    newsflash: Astronomers today discovered a Supermassive Black Hole at the center of Oprah Winfrey.
    “The intense gravitational field of this object attracts matter, such as hydrogen, cosmic dust and burgers” said one. “This can explain the formation of Oprah some 12 billion years ago.”

  11. The Dread Pirate Sausage! says

    President-elect Obama has just appointed a Nobel Laureate Physics Genius to his cabinet as the *mumble mumble* of Energy!

    That’s right!

    The new president has a brain!! A BRAIN!!! MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

    Oprah is just a diversion! While you’re all gawpin’, America is silently becoming smarter than you are!

    Gradually.

  12. Mo says

    I feel her pain-BUT if I had that much money I’d pay somebody to come over and work it off of me –(I’m talking about exercise!)
    I eat jelly donuts, too, but I exercise like crazy.

  13. says

    money can’t buy you power?

    what’s your sorry behind trying to say there (3rd paragraph.) You’ve got your sayings all out of wack!

    money can buy you power and money can buy you sausages. Money can do both. Money, actually, can do just about anything money wants to do. No way No how anyone anywhere can stop money from doing what money wants to do.

    so, you’re wrong!

  14. Andrea says

    On Oprahs weight, it just goes to confirm that once you have a weight problem you have a problem for life

    I am sure that in her usual style, she will be surprsing us all very soon…watch this space!

  15. Daureen Keyes says

    DEAR OPRAH [fatty],
    Eat some tofu once in a while and do some squats.
    Here i will give u a recipe
    2 eggs (add eggshells gives calcium) (yum!)
    10 cups of vinegar
    5 teaspoons of mint extract
    5 fresh lamb kabobs
    1/2 package of organic bleu cheese
    3 pig livers
    2 pieces of werewolfs hair
    Add 10 pounds of sugar and salt
    MIX WELL
    put them all together it might look gross but it is delicious and healthy. :D

    PS. how is ur girlfriend
    Call me at 1-800-TOFUHELPS
    Email me at Tofuhelpsforoprah@oprah.com
    THX SISTERRRRR U GET BETTER WITH UR ISSUES
    :D

  16. Oprah sucks says

    that fat ass fukin bitch, I never really thought too much of the weight, I always thought she had a fukin giant head, that muthafukin head of hers is fukin HUGE, and she is a fukin fried chicken fan.. whats next? Free watermelons and a basketball to boot???

  17. willis goldman says

    SHE’LL ALWAYS BE FAT.SHE PREFERS FOOD OVER GOOD HEALTH.ITS SAD THAT WITH ALL HER MONEY, SHE WILL DIE YOUNG, PROBABLY WITH PIZZA IN HER MOUTH

  18. angry, mad, upset oprah fan says

    u are all shitheads.

    oprah has been through so much in her life, and has earned all that money THROUGH HER OWN HARD WORK, and u guys have the GUTS to diss her, and make fun of her and her weight, and make snide, rude, mean, disgraceful comments about her. im sure all of u are FAT AS ALL HELL, and even if ur not, is it really necessary to tease those of us that are not bulemic or anorexic?!? yes oprah has the money to get lipo, or to hire a personal trainer, or buy all the gym equipment in the world to get fit on, but maybe, just maybe, she wants to work through her own time, or maybe she has problems with depression, or eating disorders, or doesn’t have the time. these are just some of the things that might be going on. id understand if you knew her personally and know all about her personal life, but u dont!!!!!!!
    dont prejudge someone you dont even know. its just stupid and RUDE!!!

  19. euclid says

    Kevin is an unusual name for a woman, but Kevin dear
    you really should work out your self-esteem issues somewhere else.

  20. euclid says

    Classic:
    “u are all shitheads.”
    “dont prejudge someone you dont even know. its just stupid and RUDE!!!”

  21. Jake says

    This is a great article. I am glad to see that there are people who are not afraid of speaking the truth. Some of you liberals might say that this article isn’t true….you might be right…but since you liberals have the right to free speech…so can the rest of us. If you don’t like everyone else speaking their mind then how about shutting your stinky pie holes? I am not an Oprah..she is a phoney..and her weight never bothered me. If she wants to walk around looking like a fat hippo..then good for her. For someone so rich why can’t she afford decent plastic surgery…has not ever heard of liposuction from Dr. Oz?

  22. dee dee dee says

    im guessing you didnt read what you wrote.. i hardly understood a word you said. are you like 5 and dont know proper english? i agree, god does not judge but you obviously do and that is sad

  23. dee dee dee says

    my last comment refers to selfish her that posted that dumb ass comment at 615 on december 10 2008

  24. Blake says

    Cut Oprah some slack. Despite all her money, she is just like most Americans…fat. I actually think some good could come of this. Most thin people think that fat people are just lazy, but I assure you that Oprah did not get rich by being lazy. However, being fat DOES show a complete lack of self-control. Just imagine how much money she would have if she had enough self-control to keep from becoming fat.

    Oprah obviously has a hedonistic personality, and the pursuit of pleasure is more important than anything else…including her health or the health of her followers. Even if she doesn’t care enough about her own health to avoid becoming obese, she should at least consider her fans that will rationalize their own obesity because Oprah is obese as well. Make no mistake, there will be Oprah fans that will die prematurely because of the poor example Oprah has set. She could choose to set a good example, which would undoubtebly save the lives of at least a few of her fans, but the pleasure she gets from eating is more important to her than the lives of her fans.

  25. Disgusting says

    This is a terrible article. Yes, Oprah is full of herself (if you are unsure about that, check out her own article on this issue -notice the links to all of her own exclamations: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/01/06/o.how.did.let.happen/index.html) but to use this sort of imagery (18 cats, half a female lion or 120 hardback copies of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows)(charges into the nearest Krispy Kreme mouth-first) is shameful. Your sad excuse for “gossip” is simply the tantrum of a child, screaming for attention by means of pointing out the failings of another. There was nothing useful in this article whatsoever.

  26. says

    wow!!!! nice way to pass time.
    i was very shcoked to see tht oprah winfrey had gained weight when i was watching her on tv the other night.
    but i guess as long as an individual has a weight issue you are goingt o have it forever…or so i think.
    but oprah is being sluggged for her weight gain because she is rich..well honestly i am overwieght and if i had her money..i would be as skinny as paris hilton.
    even though she is not at her healthiest currently i do not support the idea of people attacking her because she is rich..call her lazy, indolent and overindulgence
    she is humanitarian, philantropic and she is A great entreprenuer and tv personality who worked very hard to rise from destitution to wealth
    those qualities are far more important to me that how big her head is or how fat she is!

    i admire her for that even if she weighs a ton

    do not use her physical appearance as an excuse to disrespect her. everyone is entitled to their opinion
    and oprah must be discovering that wealth has nothingt o do with opinion it is by far the cheapest commodity.
    some people do not like oprah because oprah represents something that they have spent years fighting down
    some people are just glad to diss oprah and feel better about themselves
    thats not new
    we live in a world where ppl gain satisfaction, comfort and even a livelihood from disrespecting others.
    we seem to spend far to much time concentrating on trivialities
    this article should have been dedicated to encouraging oprah to lose weight and get back healthy instead of as a sneaky medium for the havenots, misogynist and green monsters to vent their discontent and finally have a voice. a voice that as long as they live will never be as effective as oprah’s
    bomboclaat!

  27. bob gordon says

    WINFREE HAS NOBODY TO BLAME BUT HERSELF. SHE CHOOSES TO LOOK LIKE A BLACK SHAMOO..NOBODY SHOVES THE DAMN FOOD IN HER MOUTH. SHE’S JUST LIKE CASS ELLIOTT, WHO CHOSE FOOD TO LIFE. AS FAR A BEING BIG BONED, THERE ISN’T A BONE BIG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH HER FAT TO POKE HER EVEN ONCE, AS IF ANYONE WOULD WANT TO. RATHER GO OUT ON A DAIRY, LMAO.

  28. Kiki says

    Well, O getting fatter, maybe she has just had enough of trying to slim down, and really all she wantes to do is make lots of money and eat like a pig! I guess she can afford to pay the medical bills!

    Fatty fatty boom boom!

  29. karen says

    wow..old article I bumped into, but gonna leave a comment anyway. Don’t watch Oprah very often, only when someone special I like is on her show. And I tend to border a little bit on the thin side myself, so not defending her cuz I am overweight, altho I experienced a gain twice in my life of 25 lbs. so I do understand the struggle of losing it. Anyway, Oprah announced on her show in 2007 that she had a thyroid problem that was getting in the way of her weight regimen. I think she eventually realized that she could truly overwork and deprive herself dor the rest of her life and she would not be losing so just decided to let go of it all and begin to really enjoy her life rather than deprive herself and struggle with nothing to show for it. Can’t really blame her, She has recently stated to friends that she may be fat but she is happier in her life than she ever has been…and isn’t that what really counts? I think at this point in 2010 she will never lose a lot of weight again. I do hope she does not continue to gain each year to the point that it becomes unhealthy. It must be difficult for her to do any more shows on losing weight when she is so evidently overweight though…don’t know if she even does those anymore anyway. So, Oprah, enjoy and be happy girl!! ;D

  30. OprahHater says

    She is famous and rich due to people like you. Otherwise what are her talk shows good for? They are unproductive and useless!

  31. says

    I adore Oprah but was concerned about her appearence in Haiti, she was over 200 Lbs! In Haiti, where there was no tv, and she introduced herself, it was clear they had no idea who she was. ? humbling experience for her. As much as she has discussed her childhood abuse issues (which many overwt suffer), I wonder if Oprah has addressed this seriously as related to her weight problem?

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