Judging by her weird compulsion to thwonk her boobs out in every film she’s ever made, you might not think that Kate Winslet is very insecure.
But she is. Oh lord, she is. It turns out that Kate Winslet is so thunderingly insecure – about absolutely everything – that she makes Ally McBeal look like Darth Vader after a manicure and half a bottle of gin. How do we know this? Because Kate Winslet has raked over her endless neuroses for the new issue of Vanity Fair.
So, to save you the effort of buying the new issue of Vanity Fair, here’s a list of all the things that Kate Winslet is insecure about: her weight as a teenager, her weight now, her dress sense, the way she looks ‘wrong’, her stupid pointy nose, her awful screechy voice, her fat hands, the way the last syllable of her surname rhymes with a swearword and her ridiculous big face. We may have made some of those up, by the way.
Kate Winslet has always stood as a shining example of a real woman. She doesn’t look like the androgynous four-year-olds that fashion designers like so much, and she doesn’t waddle round in a bikini covered with six tins of goose fat and enough lipgloss to fell a moose like the models in the lad’s mags do.
Instead Kate Winslet is a torchbearer for normal women across the globe; a woman who says it’s OK to have curves, and that the important thing is to feel comfortable in yourself.
True, you might develop a confusing compulsion to go topless in public at the drop of a hat to overcompensatingly prove that you’re comfortable with how you look, and you might also start flinging batshit lawsuits around to prove that you haven’t been on any diets because that’s just how bloody comfortable you are with yourself, OK?, but that’s by the by.
But even though she’s obviously so completely comfortable with her own body that she even managed to get her boobs out in a family movie about a horrific maritime disaster, sometimes even Kate Winslet succumbs to a spot of insecurity about how she looks. Well, we say ‘a spot’. Actually we mean ‘a gigantic, all-consuming tidal wave big enough to destroy the entire planet’, as Vanity Fair found out recently:
“I never had a desire to be famous I was fat. I didn’t know any fat famous actresses. I just did not see myself in that world at all, and I’m being very sincere. You know, once a fat kid, always a fat kid… You always think that you just look a little bit wrong or a little bit different from everyone else. And I still sort of have that.”
We haven’t read all the way to Kate Winslet’s Vanity Fair interview, but we’re pretty certain that it ended with her staring at her own hands, screaming “I’M A MONSTER! A MONSTER!”, dousing herself in petrol, setting herself on fire and running haphazardly around the room knocking everything over until she toppled out of an open window.
Or maybe we’re wrong. Either way, Kate Winslet probably hasn’t got much to worry about. Apart from the fact that, you know, this whole interview was ostensibly to promote Kate Winslet’s new movie The Reader, and the potential audience for a highbrow movie about the Holocaust probably won’t be too easily swayed by hearing sob stories about what a chubby little toddler Kate used to be.
Still, we can’t wait to see what she does to promote Revolutionary Road. If we were a glossy magazine we’d be teeing up the headline ‘Kate Winslet: Boo Hoo, I’ve Got A Big Vagina’ right now just in case.
Roanld says
You should just be glad she shows her boobs!
icarus says
She really thought she looked different from everyone else? What? She never went outside?
joe says
Hey Stuart,
Please get a life!
Shooty* says
If she set herself on fire in the vicinity of Heather Mills’ house, then, like, no problemo: Mills has done the entire country a public service by thanklessly installing a swimming pool to help firemen.
*sigh*. I miss Heather Mills news stories.
John says
Wow, what a sad opening to this story. You’re so repressed that nudity in film is a measure of an actress’ insecurity? That’s the focus of the lead-in?