The first week on January is traditionally the week of going to the gym twice and hoping it’ll offset 12 months of compulsive doughnut abuse.
But not if you’re Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey knows that she’s turned into a lardy old gutbucket lately, and she’s determined to get slim again.
And Oprah Winfrey plans to do this by not abusing food any more. And by ‘abusing’ food, Oprah means ‘keeping it in her cupboard for any longer than she has to before stuffing it into her gob and rolling around the floor snorting like an animal’. We can’t see it working, to be honest.
Oprah Winfrey’s probably had her fill of abuse lately. First she had to deal with parental abuse when her dad wrote a book about her, then she had to deal with child abuse at her African school – and now she has to deal with food abuse, the very thing that’s caused her to swell up like a broken ankle over the last few months.
Oprah has always struggled with her weight – over the years she’s literally tried every diet known to man. Problem is, though, she tried them all at once, which meant eating 250 dinners every day. It was foolhardy in retrospect. But this time Oprah’s going to lose all that weight once and for all, just you watch.
Last month Oprah Winfrey wailed about how fat she was in her magazine – she says she weighs about 200lb now – and this month it looks like she’s going to be doing something about it. And, as MSNBC reports, step one seems to involve setting a number of targets for herself that are so woolly and impossible to quantify that nobody will ever know if she’s reached them or not:
“It’s about using food ? abusing food. Too much work. Not enough play. Not enough time to come down. Not enough time to really relax. I am hungry for balance. I’m hungry to do something other than work. My goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself.”
We’ll admit to not being completely sure about what ‘food abuse’ actually is, but we sort of wish that Oprah would shut up about it. Honestly, if Bono hears that something called food abuse exists we’ll all have to endure an all-star summertime charity concert to raise money for it, and bloody Paul McCartney will get to finish it off by singing a poxy version of Hey Jude that goes on for 45 minutes and it’ll be terrible.
In all seriousness, though, good for Oprah Winfrey. It sounds like she’s not going to subscribe to another one of those faddy crash diets that she’s so closely associated with this time, and that can only be beneficial to her health in the long run.
And if it doesn’t work? Well, Oprah can always develop an eating disorder or two. We’d be totally fine with that, by the way, but only so long as Oprah promises to start every fifth show by bellowing “Everybody gets a sandwich bag full of my bulimia vomit!” at her audience like some sort of berserk, giddy sick-covered toddler. That’s a dealbreaker.
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bob says
She has everyone around her do everything for her thats what made her fat.
Joke Police says
she can’t get enough of the pork scratchings
i feel her pain
Irish gemini says
pork scratchings? Is that like pork rinds?
Julian Mentat says
I like the thought of a customised “hey Jude”
Hey, food
You don’t taste bad
But some ketch-uuup
Will make you better…