There are some things that Vernon Winfrey knows more than most about – one is haircuts, another is hacking coal out the ground and the last one is Oprah Winfrey; you'll be disappointed if you were hoping that Vernon Winfrey wrote a book about coal.
No, Vernon Winfrey has written a book about Oprah Winfrey, a subject that he's had an unusual amount of access to as her father. Normally you'd expect a book about a megastar written by one of their parents to be a gushing, glowing account of how proud they are, but not in this case – Vernon Winfrey has only just informed Oprah about the book he's written about her, probably because there's a very slight possibility that large parts of the book are ambiguously about all the boys that Oprah Winfrey used to sleep with. Or at least the one sentence that anyone's read of it is. Anyway, long story short, Oprah Winfrey's a bit annoyed.
Starting tomorrow, hecklerspray is going to go around chopping off the hands and sewing up the mouths of everyone we've ever met. Any one of them could be secretly planning to write a tell-all book on us – after all, we were the stars of a confused and painfully amateurish phone interview with an online radio station that we suspect hardly anyone listens to, so people would literally fall over themselves to see what celebrities like us are like behind the scenes. We've seen it happen before – Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband tried to write a book about her and Jermaine Jackson tried to write a book about Michael Jackson. And Teri Hatcher wrote a book about toast, although we arent sure what the family connection is there. Anyway, now Oprah Winfrey's Dad is getting in on the action too.
Usually when someone tries to do stuff to Oprah Winfrey, like suggest she'll be a good president or try to extort her out of $1.5 million, Oprah has responded with the full force of the law. But this time it's different, because this time the annoyance is her own father. Behind Oprah's back, Vernon Winfrey has apparently been shopping around a book about Oprah entitled Things Unspoken, possibly because the original title of Things Unspoken Can Make You Rich If You Write Them Down As Salaciously As Possible Before Vocalising Them. Unsurprisingly, Oprah Winfrey is more than a little surprised, as MSNBC reports:
Winfrey said she laughed when one of her assistants told her the newspaper was calling to ask about a book her father Vernon Winfrey was writing. “I said, ‘That’s impossible. I can assure them it’s not true,”’ she said. “… I called him and it turned out he is writing a book. The worst part of it was him saying, ‘I meant to tell you I’ve been working on it.”’
Vernon Winfrey is especially well-placed to write a book about Oprah Winfrey because, as her father, he was there right from the beginning, slyly dreaming up ways to make it seem like she was shagging loads of boys in case she ever became famous enough to him to write a cash-in book about. Apparently quoting Oprah's mother, Vernon Winfrey writes in his book:
"Our daughter was out of hand, an unruly child. She said she stayed out all times of the night and lied regarding her whereabouts, said she made herself known to boys."
Chances are that's just the most outlandish quote that Vernon Winfrey could find, though, and the rest of his book will be all about how Oprah Winfrey's childhood mirrored her life now; like the time when Oprah made her own radio recordings or publicly declared to a row of stuffed toys that she wasn't a lesbian or screamed herself hoarse because she didn't understand that she's not allowed in shops when they're closed.