Observers of Kevin Smith might have noticed a change in his shape lately, in that he’s gone from ‘tubby’ to ‘perfectly spherical’.

Don’t think this hasn’t gone unnoticed, though – Kevin Smith himself is quite aware that he’s developing a bit of weight problem. It’s something he picked up on in the traditional way, by breaking a toilet under the weight of his own body.

According to an anecdote that he decided to tell a journalist of his own free will, Kevin Smith recently sat on a toilet only for it to fall away from the wall because of his enormous mass. At least we think Kevin Smith’s weight broke the toilet. It could have also been that Kevin Smith’s urine is high-pressured and grainy and essentially works like a manky-smelling water jet cutter. We simply don’t know.

Recently Kevin Smith has hinted that he’s got not plans to reintroduce Jay and Silent Bob to his movies, and that’s probably a good thing. If Kevin Smith continues to pack on weight at the rate he has been, Silent Bob will only be silent because he’s had a massive diabetic stroke.

Make no mistake, Kevin Smith is large. That’s no secret – those who saw Die Hard 4 last year may have been shocked by way that Kevin Smith suddenly seemed to have swollen up like an infected tropical insect bite – but now even Kevin Smith himself has decided to take action ahead of the release of Zack And Miri Make A Porno.

Weight gain, you see, can creep up on us in a number of ways. Maybe you have trouble putting on an old outfit. Maybe people accidentally think you’re pregnant. Or maybe, just maybe, you sit on a toilet and your gigantic body causes the toilet to shear off the wall completely.

As The LA Times reports, that last one was the warning buzzer for Kevin Smith:

“I’m going away for a while,” Smith, puffing a menthol cigarette on the patio of his Hollywood Hills home, “to concentrate on myself. To save my life.” … “I broke a toilet. That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit – that was an old toilet and a very waterlogged wall – but my size took that toilet down. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me – it was the toilet.’ It was definitely me. And that’s a wake-up call!”

Are you listening, Angelina Jolie? This is how you promote a movie. None of this overblown breast-feeding nonsense – you sit on a toilet, break it, possibly cover yourself in shit and then tell everyone about it. Maybe we’d go and watch The Changeling if you covered yourself in your own shit during a humiliating household accident. Remember that.

But anyway, let’s hope that Kevin Smith manages to get a handle on his weight problem, largely because it’d be quite nice if he stayed alive long enough to make his horror movie Red State. It can happen – just look at Peter Jackson. Maybe Kevin could take a leaf out of Jackson’s books and go from being a massively overweight movie director to a normal-sized movie director with so much excess skin that he ends up looking like a Pac-Man ghost.

Or if not, that’s cool too. It’d probably be quite nice to be known as the Orson Welles of films about nothing where people stand around talking about crap that isn’t important.