Observers of Kevin Smith might have noticed a change in his shape lately, in that he’s gone from ‘tubby’ to ‘perfectly spherical’.
Don’t think this hasn’t gone unnoticed, though – Kevin Smith himself is quite aware that he’s developing a bit of weight problem. It’s something he picked up on in the traditional way, by breaking a toilet under the weight of his own body.
According to an anecdote that he decided to tell a journalist of his own free will, Kevin Smith recently sat on a toilet only for it to fall away from the wall because of his enormous mass. At least we think Kevin Smith’s weight broke the toilet. It could have also been that Kevin Smith’s urine is high-pressured and grainy and essentially works like a manky-smelling water jet cutter. We simply don’t know.
Recently Kevin Smith has hinted that he’s got not plans to reintroduce Jay and Silent Bob to his movies, and that’s probably a good thing. If Kevin Smith continues to pack on weight at the rate he has been, Silent Bob will only be silent because he’s had a massive diabetic stroke.
Make no mistake, Kevin Smith is large. That’s no secret – those who saw Die Hard 4 last year may have been shocked by way that Kevin Smith suddenly seemed to have swollen up like an infected tropical insect bite – but now even Kevin Smith himself has decided to take action ahead of the release of Zack And Miri Make A Porno.
Weight gain, you see, can creep up on us in a number of ways. Maybe you have trouble putting on an old outfit. Maybe people accidentally think you’re pregnant. Or maybe, just maybe, you sit on a toilet and your gigantic body causes the toilet to shear off the wall completely.
As The LA Times reports, that last one was the warning buzzer for Kevin Smith:
“I’m going away for a while,” Smith, puffing a menthol cigarette on the patio of his Hollywood Hills home, “to concentrate on myself. To save my life.” … “I broke a toilet. That’s how heavy I am. I can’t take all the credit – that was an old toilet and a very waterlogged wall – but my size took that toilet down. I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, ‘It wasn’t me – it was the toilet.’ It was definitely me. And that’s a wake-up call!”
Are you listening, Angelina Jolie? This is how you promote a movie. None of this overblown breast-feeding nonsense – you sit on a toilet, break it, possibly cover yourself in shit and then tell everyone about it. Maybe we’d go and watch The Changeling if you covered yourself in your own shit during a humiliating household accident. Remember that.
But anyway, let’s hope that Kevin Smith manages to get a handle on his weight problem, largely because it’d be quite nice if he stayed alive long enough to make his horror movie Red State. It can happen – just look at Peter Jackson. Maybe Kevin could take a leaf out of Jackson’s books and go from being a massively overweight movie director to a normal-sized movie director with so much excess skin that he ends up looking like a Pac-Man ghost.
Or if not, that’s cool too. It’d probably be quite nice to be known as the Orson Welles of films about nothing where people stand around talking about crap that isn’t important.
anony says
Here’s a good idea. If you don’t have anything to write then DON’T WRITE. This is b******t.
Al Hartman says
This is nothing to make light of. I’m sure Kevin will be able to handle this.
I love his movies, and wish him all the best.
Chip S. says
Gosh, could we make a joke about anything else more obvious than the fact that Kevin Smith is overweight? Maybe one about Paris Hilton not being very smart or Britney Spears’ parenting? Come on Stuart – you can do better than that.
doctordrewl says
Hey Stu… blow it out your skinny ass.
Specked says
Damn dude that was a bit harsh. At least post a picture of yourself so we can make fun of you.
Shawn Lindseth says
Here you go Specked. And I have it on good authority this picture is 100% accurate:
http://www.hecklerspray.com/postcards-from-stu-on-vacation-2/200814759.php
PS. Fat people unite!
gir says
Stuart Heritage is a fat woman
J Bollocjks says
Oh, you’re talk’n about kEV NOT kEN…
Ironlung says
whats with all the hate about this article? if someone breaks a toilet and covers themselves in shit, i wanna know about it.
thanks for the update HS. if we cant laugh at fat people, we’ll have to start on the disabled. and nobody wants that.
Sarah says
I hate Kevin Smith so much. This is the best.
I love how he’s smoking a cig while explaining his dire need to take care of himself.
harry says
ugh. kevin is a nauseating blob, and his films are total shit. anyone that disgustingly fat and talentless (who goes to universities thinking they are bill hicks only to bitch and moan about various celebrities who have slighted them in the past) deserves to suffer a massive stroke only to survive albeit minus half their brain, and be forced to live out the rest of their fat, talentless lives being shoved around in a wheelchair while they dribble and shit themselves.