Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie moved to Europe partly to escape the slavering media attention they have to deal with all the time in America.
That should be applauded – it’s easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that.
Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie’s got a new film coming out, in which case it’s perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby’s mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That’s right kids – those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you’ve been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.
For a couple so entrenched in their own desperate need for privacy that they’ll either call the secret service or get you beaten up if you stray too close to either of them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have made some real schoolboy errors when it comes to protecting themselves lately.
Firstly, it was revealed that Angelina Jolie’s arm has been tattooed with the birth coordinates of all her children – letting all the world’s stalkers know that a game of Baby Treasure Hunt is just one grisly non-consensual amputation away – and now Angelina Jolie has decided to pose for the most unprivate photos possible without someone hiring an endoscope first. That’s right – it’s Angelina Jolie breastfeeding.
On the cover of this month’s W magazine, Angelina Jolie can be seen with her top pulled down and a tiny hand partly obscuring her breast. We’re assuming she’s breastfeeding one of her new twins, anyway – there’s an equal chance that the photos are a document of Angelina Jolie trying to revive Jeremy Beadle‘s dead body by shoving her tit in his face.
Actually, the Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos are kind of tasteful – which is a profound disappointment to anyone hoping they’d involve Angelina spinning round on a plinth squirting warm jets of milk out of her nipples into the open mouths of all her children sitting in a circle beneath her – and breastfeeding activists have welcomed the photos with the open arms and milky stains leaking through their T-shirt that you’d expect from them, as AP reports:
“Breast-feeding in public reveals a whole lot less than what has been revealed on the red carpet. … I think we do need more role models like Angelina Jolie willing to be photographed and say, `Hey look, it can be done, it oughta be done,'” said La Leche spokeswoman Jane Crouse.
Of course, it’s wonderful that Angelina Jolie is breastfeeding her new twins. Breastfed children have less risk of developing childhood leukaemia, insulin-dependent diabetes and respiratory infections, plus breastfeeding has shown to improve a child’s neurological development. That is unless your mum decides to take a photo of you gobbing all over one of her tits for the cover of a magazine, because long-term that’s probably an expressroute to you being sort of neurologically effed.
Also, we’re not exactly sure how these Angelina Jolie breastfeeding pictures will affect the ongoing biological/adopted Jolie-Pitt civil war? Will the adopted children be jealous of Vivienne and Knox because they never got to suckle on Angelina Jolie’s teat? Will the twins be jealous of the adopted children because they won’t have widely-published breastfeeding photos come back to haunt them at school, ultimately leading to them gaining the unshakable nicknames Tittysuck and Boobychew? It’s hard to tell.
Still, Angelina Jolie’s breastfeeding shots have taught us all an important lesson here – that Angelina Jolie’s got a film coming out soon, and that she really wants you to go and see it.
Kat says
oooooooooh f*ck………. lol….. i’m crying….
J Bollocks says
What is wrong with her upper lip? It looks like it should a nipple too. Gross (in all senses of the word).
So I guess she’s not opting for cremation then, cause that small canadian kayak sized implant will go off like a landmine…
J Bollocks says
what is wrong my browser dropping I write ? Making like total mobile user