It’s long been a dream of ours to dress up in camouflage and hold a pitched battle on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s front lawn.
Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we’ve decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who’ve been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s property in France.
What exactly happened is a mystery – the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery – but it’s clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina’s property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie’s stupid twins didn’t keep getting in the bloody way.
You’d have thought that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would understand by now, surely. Understand that they should never leave America again, obviously. We’re being serious.
Look at it this way – in America Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get hounded by the paparazzi, but never for very long. Give the paparazzi a few days and they’ll get bored and go take pictures of Lindsay Lohan‘s knickers or something. That’s how it works.
But when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie go anywhere else, the paparazzi onslaught is furious and relentless. When they were in Namibia, for instance, Brad and Angelina had paparazzi arrested all the time, not realising that people were so only keen to take their picture because it meant not having to trail second-rate silimba players around for a living.
Then there was India, where the paparazzi was so desperate to snap Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie that one member of the press was apparently choked by their security, a boy was knocked off a bike and there was an almighty battle at a school.
But now Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in France, and that’s bound to be different, right? After all, the French national sense of detached ennui would prevent them from getting their knickers in a twist over a couple of vulgar American moviestars, right?
Nope – just one day after Brad Pitt warned the media not to publish any photos of his babies that were secretly taken by the paparazzi, there’s been a bit of a scuffle between Brad and Angelina’s guards and some camouflaged photographers they supposedly in the grounds of their chateau.
According to reports, two members of the paparazzi were caught in an altercation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s security guards last night, while presumably trying to take photos of the couple with their newborn twins.
It all sounds so crass, doesn’t it? A bunch of typically heavyhanded gorillas getting in a scrap with some people so desperate for cash that they’d dress up as extras from Predator to take a picture of a couple of babies that, we’re guessing, just look like sodding babies anyway? Urgh.
Luckily French police spokeswoman and brand new hecklerspray hero Capt. Olivia Poupot has more than enough bored disdain to go around. After taking the paparazzi and the guards for questioning, Poupot said:
“I won’t hide for you that this kind of thing is really not the type of problem that interests us. There are, in my opinion, far more important things than paparazzi taking photos of a glamor couple.”
Genius. We want Olivia Poupot to be the French police spokeswoman of our heart.
But still, at least this means Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can add France to their list of countries they can’t go to without kicking off some sort of violent dispute with the press. They’re running out of options, aren’t they?
There’s always Luxembourg, we suppose. And we can guarantee that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will definitely move there, just as soon as our ‘Hey beleagured moviestars! Have you seen how many malnourished brown orphans live in Luxembourg?’ tourism campaign gets some funding.
Clarita says
“I won’t hide for you that this kind of thing is really not the type of problem that interests us. There are, in my opinion, far more important things than paparazzi taking photos of a glamor couple.”
Does that mean that they don’t take trespassing seriously in France? Because that is essentially what the paparazzi is doing. So i guess what this police spokeswoman is saying that it’s not important to protect a family with young children from strangers who are trespassing into their property just because of their profession. I’m guessing that that lady (Olivia Poupot)wont stay in her position as a spokeswoman for long.
bellebeesting says
I’m with hecklerspray on this one. Vive la Olivia Poupot!
Kyle says
Wow, someone with sense. Promote that French woman. Angelina cooks up a whim about her mother’s french connections, then she wants the french to bow and waste all their time on her. That mayor wasted enough time as it is. I am just tired of this couple.
rashi says
i need that name which was given by paparazzi to this couple(brad and angelina)