Angelina Jolie has physically changed since the birth of her twins, and not just because now you could easily drive a tractor up her birth canal.
No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.
They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has – in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.
Good news, wrongheaded Angelina Jolie stalkers. Up until now you probably just wanted to kidnap Angelina Jolie to either get ransom money from Brad Pitt or to just see what her hair smells like, but now you’ve got an added bonus – because the location of your next five holidays are written on Angelina Jolie’s arm.
That’s right, you lucky mentals – Angelina Jolie has the map coordinates of the locations where each of her children were born tattooed on her left arm, and she’s just had the list updated to include the birth locations of her two twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.
Imagine – if you got possession of those coordinates you could fly around the world to each of the locations, knowing that you’re standing exactly where Angelina Jolie flopped her placenta out onto the floor or, to be more precise, where the mothers of Angelina Jolie’s adopted babies flopped their placentas out onto the floor. Either way, what’s to stop you going to those places and licking the floor, you disgusting weirdo.
Anyway, regardless of your undeniably creepy intentions, Angelina Jolie showed off her new tattoos during her much-hyped visit to New York, as The Telegraph reports:
The actress showed off the latest addition to her extensive collection of body art at the New York Film Festival screening of her new film, Changeling. The two lines of blue script on her upper left arm detail the longitudinal and latitudinal location of Nice, where Knox and Vivienne were born in July. They are inscribed directly below four similar lines of coordinates which represent the birthplaces of her other four children.
As sweet a gesture as this seems, you shouldn’t be fooled. Angelina Jolie basically uses the tattoos as proof of purchase for her adopted kids. This way it’s much easier for her to return them if one of them goes defective.
Plus, this is obviously a worrying trend, and it genuinely makes us fear for the future. Look, if Angelina Jolie decides to have the longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates of her childrens’ birthplaces tattooed on her body, then it’s only going to get copied by Heat readers. And do you really want to see armies of fat chavs stumbling around with the coordinates for ‘outside KFC’ or ‘my Nan’s toilet’ or ‘all over the Wetherspoons carpet’ scrawled all over their arms? No. No you don’t.
What’s more, we’re worried for Angelina Jolie. If she keeps collecting babies at the rate she’s going, and if she insists on having their birth locations tattooed on her arms after each one, the poor woman’s going to need an arm extension put in before Christmas. And those things hurt.
Ron says
Tattoos are STUPID, especially when she has so much going for her. I thought she was COOL until I read this.
don spicer says
flopping placentas. your comments are disturbing and revolting.
Raza says
Everytime a woman gets at the top of the A list some dick will come and start producing kids with them and screw up their career
Danny says
STUPID STORY! Who cares what or why she got the tatoos she is a fantastic actress a very gorgues women and a good at heart person she can be covered in tatoos and there hardly isnt a women that wouldnt want to be her. So to this reporter i say leave angie alone. Good people deserve respect not your ritaquile get a real story go find out why our economy is the way it is or why the world hates us report that.
tazz says
sheesh! cant you people find something else to talk about.
Janet says
Obviously you are not well informed. Jolie has her kids by Cesarean. Her birth canal is as gorgeous as the rest of her.
Maverick says
Ok, I really can’t stand Angie Do-Me Jolie, obviously you neither, but “Drive a Tractor up her Birth Canal”? That is probably not called for. She has had only had 3 children.
Mary says
This is just so crassly written. “A tractor up her birth canal”??? So basically, you’ve given up on real journalism and resorted to shock tactics to get people to read. I didn’t even bother skimming past that line. No wonder intelligent people don’t follow this garbage!
mst3kster says
Stuart, defining the word heckler at the beginning of your articles might put an end to all these morons bashing you.
Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing.
Keep up the good work.
Ironlung says
im glad this serious minded news website has not declined into a trashy parody of itself. i like to hear these important stories as they unfold.
however, i also like to laugh. im not all work, work, work! hahaha!!111!!eleven so can anyone direct me to website dedicated to celeb stories written in a humorous manner? preferably one with a bearded nonentity quoting directly from a profanisaurus.
DIED U C WHAT I DIED THEIR?????
what? says
She’s a skank. Who cares about her?
If people spent as mich time on their life then oggling over a skenk, they would be rich.
Gentry says
She looks so ugly and stupid with tose tatoos.
Absolutlely no class to her. I dont know how
Brad puts up with a fake person like her and she
looks so old for her age. Yes skank.
J Bollocks says
““A tractor up her birth canal”??? So basically, you’ve given up on real journalism”
Sorry, I know I shouldn’t but… HELLO! real journalism? that went out when HS discovered the more sublime art of “trash”.
Hidden in a seedy back street of Soho, the TSJ (Trash School of Journalism) specialises in titillation, innuendo and smut. As soon as I mug another 20 or so old ladies I’ll have enough cash to enrol. Donations appreciated.
J Bollocks says
After much mature reflection I’m voting for
“DIED U C WHAT I DIED THEIR?????” as the best comment on a HS story this year/semi-decade.
Smarter than you says
She has had two c sections, you idiots.
That doesn’t affect the size of the birth canal. Read a book. Please.
gir says
“Smarter than you” has completely failed to live up to his name.
Julian Mentat says
Angelina’s “Birth Canal” is in Holland, a disused waterway in a scenic tulip-growing area. She purchased it and named it “The Birth Canal” to celebrate the arrival of her twins. Tractors drive up it quite often.
Ironlung says
which book? i cant decide between “Birth Canals and their Size” or “The Size of Birth Canals: What Affects Them?”
halp plx
magnetite says
These comments are in danger of becoming too cerebral. I can fix that…
As far as mental, almost-but-not-quite (and just odd looking enough to frighten in poor light) stunning women go, I’d opt for French nutter Béatrice Dalle (Betty Blue anyone?) every time over Angle-ina.
She’s French, so at least the claptrap coming out of her face-hole would be unintelligible due to the language barrier – and not from growing up with Jon Voight for a dad and James Haven for a brother.
She’s French (did I mention that?), so you can pretty much guarantee she’d be way dirtier than Angelina would be, even if Jolie was on crystal meth, old-style Benylin and Pro-plus cocktails all night.
Last, but not least…even though Angelina could probably kick your arse (thus providing a sexy danger element to your relationship); the fear-buzz of knowing that the gap between Dalle’s front teeth could snag your prepuce and rip it bloodily off beats the whole Tomb Raider/Wanted thing hands-down. Every time.
flowers99 says
What a skank…so by the time she decides that she has enough kids her whole body will be covered with geographical coordinates. All that money and that’s what she does with it…the tattoos don’t even look like a professional did them. Brad was much better off with Jennifer Aniston.
mimi says
Danny YOUR A DUMB FUCK FOR NOT KNOWING HOW OT SPELL RIDICULE WOW THIRD GRADE SPELLING BEE MUST HAVE BEEN REAL TOUGH. DON’T CRY UR NOT THAT STUPID!!!!!!!
inker says
flowers99
Shut up..you sound a bit jealous,the chick is hot with or with out ink she got millions u dont she got brad and jen dont who really cares
aliza says
i bet she has more class in her than you can ever imagine of having yourself…