Yes, that's right – all of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids hate each other to pieces. Literally to pieces – it's like living with a gaggle of midget Naomi Campbells.
According to reports, Angelina Jolie's adopted brood have started a flurry of three-on-one attacks on her biological daughter Shiloh Nouvel. But Angelina likes nothing more than a fair fight, which is why – rather than the twins everyone expects – Angelina Jolie is actually gestating two fully-armed mecha-warriors from the future up her vagina to help level the playing field. To level it with plasma cannons.
Sibling rivalry can be a terrible thing. It can forge long-lasting resentments between family members, and even tear some families wide apart. Look at the Baldwins, for goodness sake. How must Alec feel knowing that Daniel, William and Stephen are all constantly laying unsuccessful Wile E. Coyote-style boobytraps for him as revenge for him starring in Married To The Mob ahead of them? We don't know how he manages to go on.
And this sibling rivalry fad has even spread to the most perfect family on the face of the earth – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's family. On paper Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's family couldn't be more perfect – Daddy's a beautiful actor, Mummy's a beautiful actress, and their four children from Cambodia, Ethiopia, Vietnam and Brad Pitt's testicles spend every day laughing and singing and teaching one another about their respective indigenous cultures like a beautiful rainbow of hope.
But on paper bees can't fly and Michelle Marsh is attractive. We all know that real life doesn't work like that, so it should be no surprise that a new report in Star magazine claims that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's children dislike each other so much that they can't stop fighting:
Maddox 6, is constantly pushing Pax, 4, around in an attempt to show him who's boss, says a source. "But Pax is no wimp, and he fights back." But it's little Zahara, 3, who really rules the roost! "She screams and shouts at the boys when she doesn't get her way," says the source. Not even Shiloh, 22 months, is safe — and the toddler has the battle scars to prove it. "Z is always pushing or scratching her… Z once clawed Shiloh's cheek after she tried to take her cookie. She's always pulling on Shiloh's hair so she can steal her food." And little Shiloh has more than her hair to worry about! Recently while Shiloh's three older siblings roughhoused, she got knocked down and chipped a tooth!
What's to blame for this sudden spate of Jolie-Pitt inter-child violence? Why, it's the parents, obviously. Apparently the children get cranky because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't give the kids a set bedtime and feed them chips, pizza and fizzy drinks. Clearly a strict 6pm bedtime and a diet of nothing but fair trade organically-sourced broccoli buds will stop the children attacking Shiloh because they're clearly adopted and she isn't.
The situation will only get worse with a set of newborn twins on the way as well, so what's Angelina Jolie to do? Set up a kind of adopted child United Nations headed by stern-looking adopted South Korean boy who'll be able to chair a series of thoughtful and well-mannered debates?
Yes. Yes, that's exactly what Angelina Jolie should do, because it's either that or stop adopting and giving birth to more kids than she could ever hope to keep under control, but you don't get multi-million dollar exclusive magazine covershoot deals for not having kids, do you.