As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton’s integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy.
Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.
Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ’em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.
Fat celebrities are so tiresome, aren’t they? Call them fat and they’ll bang on forever about how they’re happy in their own skin and don’t want to be judged by society’s faddish youth-obsessed standards – but then when they do manage to lose a bit of weight they’re all over the sodding place, bragging about how much better they feel and filming ‘look at me’ fitness DVDs and strutting around on TV in bikinis even though they’ve got so much loose skin hanging off them that even the slightest breeze would shoot them up into the nearest ceiling fan and cover everyone in a 50ft radius with guts and partially-digested Krisprolls.
One of these celebrities, as it turns out, is Fern Britton from This Morning. Not so long ago she was a plump size 22 who’d ironically advertise Ryvita and tell everyone that she was perfectly at ease with her weight. Next thing you you she’s a relatively slender size 16 who credits healthy eating and cycling for her weight loss and chucks out Pilates DVDs so that fat women everywhere could be more like her.
However, if Fern Britton really did want fat women to be more like her, she should have released a DVD entitled Getting A Gastric Band Wrapped Round Your Guts On The Sly And Then Bullshitting About It The Fern Britton Way, because that’s what she actually did. And now people are so appalled by the way that Fern mislead them that they’re muttering about her resignation.
OK, not people as such. Newspapers, mainly. But that’s just as good. However, it looks like Fern Britton’s job is safe for the time being, as The Mirror reports:
Fern Britton faces her viewers on TV today after admitting her drastic weight loss is due to a gastric band – not healthy eating and exercise as she claimed. The host of ITV’s This Morning, who shed five stone, was forced to admit yesterday she had the operation two years ago and was “very pleased with the results”… A spokeswoman told the Mirror: “This doesn’t affect her job at all.” Asked if Fern will make a statement on today’s show she said: “It will be something the production team will be considering but I don’t know.”
The spokeswoman is right – it’s absolutely ludicrous to assume that Fern Britton would resign from This Morning just because she didn’t tell anyone that she snuck off and had a plasticuff wrapped tightly around her gut to stop her from eating so much.
Of course, if it affects her work then it’s a different matter. If, for instance, Fern Britton has to stop her infectious onscreen bouts of laughter because she’s worried that her gastric band will ping off, causing the four months’ worth of cream cakes and pizza that’s backed up in her oesophagus at any one time to shoot directly down into her stomach, instantly bloating her out until her clothes rip and she’s just a big, naked, perfectly spherical glob of cholesterol rolling around on the floor and crying a lot, then maybe now really is the time for her to leave.
Although we hope that doesn’t happen because Fern’s ace and who’d replace her? Twiggy again? We’ll take our chances, thanks.
Marina Eames says
I was one of those oversized muppetts that took insperation from Fern britton. I am gutted at how she has deceived us. its not the fact she has had a band fitted but the fact she has stood up for the last 2 years saying all she has done is eat well and excercise. I kept telling myself I was not a failure and that if she could do it so could I. How stupid can you get?
I tried to post my feelings on the ITV forum, but guess what, it was deleted by the moderator! Now thats what you call freedom of speech – theres! I really do think they should sack her. I for one will never watch a show that she is on. I will never buy a magazine that she is in. I think its wrong that some one can blaitently con so many people so publicaly and get paid to do so!
Rob Delaney says
Who is this woman? I thought she was called Judy and married to Richard? And it’s too confusing having two “fern”‘s on telly. Let’s just stick with Fern Cotton, shall we?
Jayne says
You’re not alone, Marina. I feel betrayed but above all, stupid. Everyone told me how marvellous Fern Britton was for shedding all of this weight and achieving it with healthy eating and exercise. I had 40lbs to lose but thought that if she could do it so could I because we are roughly the same age and must have the same slow-down of the metabolism going on.
But, I soon realised that I couldn’t get near her rate of weight loss. I blamed myself. I was cycling 15-20 miles 5 days a week (75-100 miles a week) but could still only burn around 600-700 calories a time. It was really hard finding the time and dispiriting that the results were so slow.
I was having rows with people who even accused me of faking the cycle readings or suggested that I was eating more than I thought I was because, “It works for Fern. Look at how well she is doing. You can’t be doing it properly”.
I should have known better.
As for that guff about ‘a girl liking to keep some things to herself’ – not when you are fronting a campaign for Ryvita and not when you are putting out an exercise dvd. And who was it who kept pressing Gordon Brown about his children when he plainly didn’t want to discuss them?
Mrs Ann O' Rexic says
I’m confused? What is the best way to get the best results from using Ryvita? Is it being part of a calorie controlled diet or is it being part of a £7,000 gastric band operation?
Helene says
Fern’s story, and the ridiculous vitriolic reaction there’s been to it, probably demonstrates why she felt the need for surgery and also the desire to keep it quiet. Increasingly fat people – especially in the public eye – are being vilified, and yet if they’re fortunate enough to be able to get one of the few treatments recognised by NICE as offering lasting results people bay for their blood. They’re like a pack of bullies whose victim has been rescued from under their noses and when they accuse her of ‘cheating’ what they really mean is THEY feel cheated a former fattie has got one over on them. Though she was helped with a band, Fern still would’ve had to control what she ate and take more exercise so she wasn’t lying. Anyway, her medical history is private, like everyone else’s, so stop spitting out your dummies you saddos and be glad for someone for once!
gir says
A tenner says that Helene is fat and can’t afford the surgery so she’s stuck at home defending lying fatties on the internet.
euclid says
Helene – vilifying fatties is not on the increase; it is an age old pastime.
You gloating cow.
If you had managed to pry your own lardy corpus up off the divan a few
times a week, put down the box of bon-bons and exerted yourself you too
doubtless would be a bit miffed. Being too lazy to even manage that, all
you can contribute is an incoherent attack on people who at least tried
to change their lives? This Fern lady is a liar. She lied. She misrepresented
how she lost weight so that she could sell products. She took advantage
of others’ weight and self-esteem issues.
Were they gullible? yes.
Is she a soulless fucktard for turning a profit off of it? Absolutely.
Are you a heartless piss-widget for mocking their gullibility? Most definitely.
Cow. How NICE for you that you can afford the procedure. And don’t even bother with the “Hah! I’m a 3 stone size 1!” reply. No one believes you.
We can all see the crumbs on your keyboard.
Gilbert Wham says
A tenner will buy you enough amphetamines to stop you feeling hungry for at least 2 days. There’s your answer folks! Speed! Is there anything it can’t do?