Chances are you haven't cared or thought about Kirstie Alley for upwards of half a decade but – by God – that hasn't stopped her strutting about in a bikini on Oprah like your terrifying old auntie does when she's had a drink.
Why has 55-year-old Kirstie Alley decided that 2006 – 13 years after Cheers finished and 17 years since she made Look Who's Talking – was the right time to go on Oprah and take most of her clothes off? Simple – it's because Kirstie Alley isn't quite as fat as she used to be. And for that reason alone, Kirstie Alley chose to go and see Oprah Winfrey while dressed in a bikini. Kirstie Alley better not have given Oprah Winfrey any ideas by doing this, since at the rate that Oprah Winfrey gains and loses weight, Oprah would end up presenting every fourth episode in a bikini, and that's something that's best left not thought about.
Kirstie Alley hasn't really been properly famous for a very long time, except for with people who think that staying up until 3am to watch her awful late-nineties sitcom Veronica's Closet on ITV is anything other than a ridiculous waste of bloody time, that is. Kirstie Alley hasn't been famous for doing much – other than wishing out loud for a needless Look Who's Talking remake and becoming the world's least thought-about Scientologist, but she has been half-famous for being really really exceptionally fat. That's not us being cruel, that's a statement of fact. Last year saw the awful Curb Your Enthusiasm rip-off sitcom Fat Actress, starring Kirstie Alley as an actress who was fat. And if Kirstie Alley can call herself fat then we can too. And so can you. Try it, it's fun.
But despite all the "Look at me! I'm so fat! But also fairly happy!" headlines that Kirstie Alley's podgy look inspired, there was a slightly skinnier woman inside Kirstie Alley all along, just waiting to get out. And 45 burritos. And probably all kinds of half-chewed steak clinging onto her colon for dear life. And stuff. For when Kirstie Alley went on Oprah last year she weighed close to 100kg and was apparently – according to the NY Post – tucking away 8,000 calories, "washing down heaps of Mexican food with a dozen grape sodas." And last year Kirstie Alley went on Oprah to say that in one year she'd lose enough weight to return in a bikini, adding:
"You know how I said every 15 pounds I have to challenge myself? … I'm thinking this would be a really good challenge. If I don't make it, I'm really sorry. You can all come over to my house and see me in a bikini."
And never say that Oprah doesn't make dreams come true. While these dreams usually involve jumping on furniture or blaming the media for all kinds of nonsense or being condescending to the poor, this time Oprah's dream-making skills were used to make Kirstie Alley walk up and down a stage in a bikini while Brick House played in the background. Kirstie Alley had lost 34kg and she had this to say to Oprah:
"We can decide to change anything, at any age… I don't think [women] ever feel like we're good enough. We don't feel like we're thin enough or pretty enough or smart enough or work hard enough. And we are good enough."
But, um, only if you're quite thin? Is that what you're trying to say Kirstie? Because if you thought that last year you wouldn't have had to lose so much weight and we wouldn't have had to see a 55-year-old woman in a bikini when we were trying to eat our dinner.