Hey! It’s Nicolas Cage! He’s the most aspirational man alive! Why? Because if someone with as scant ability like Nic can sustain a lengthy career in Hollywood, then you boy, are able to achieve absolutely anything you put your mind to.
However, you might need a night terror or two to get you there.
See, when he’s not getting arrested for drunkenly brawling with his wife and getting bailed out by Dog The Bounty Hunter, he’s being visited in the dead of night by a grinning stranger hovering over his bed eating ice-cream. For real.
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Ah, Nic Cage! He’s not really very good at anything is he? He’s certainly not a particularly good actor and, as his recent bad behaviour in New Orleans shows, he’s not even very good at getting into trouble.
Despite the fact he disturbed the peace, got all up in his wife’s grill and dared the police to arrest him – which they did – even Dog The Bounty Hunter bailing him out of the jail didn’t really amount to proper trouble. It was just… funny.
As a result, Nicolas Cage is in the clear. It would appear that the police think he’s so lame that they can’t even be bothered to put him through the legal system.
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Nicolas Cage, the most lucky b-movie actor in the universe, has had a busy ol’ weekend. He was jailed for domestic violence while being more drunk (and as coherent) as a sock filled with Schnapps.
And what with this being Nicolas Cage, things weren’t ever going to play out in the same way it does when us plebs get arrested.
Bizarrely, Cagey was bailed out of prison by a man who looks like the chemical accident lovechild of Macho Man Randy Savage and Bret Michaels – Dog The Bounty Hunter! This could well be the greatest celebrity story ever written.
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Duane Chapman, also known as Dog The Bounty Hunter is a man with a fine head of hair on him. He’s a man who watched WWE wrestling and picked up style tips without even the vaguest trace of irony. He’s a hardman who looks like a stupid idiot.
In fairness, Dog is a staggering fool.
Why? Well, Dog was taken to UCLA Medical Center where he was treated for internal bleeding. Sounds like the sort of thing a hard nut should be dealing with, right? Well, unfortunately for Duane, he got a really cool injury in the lamest way possible. Read More >>>
Ferris Bueller, the 80s wild child played by Matthew Broderick, only had one problem in his annoyingly perfect life, the relentless Dean of Students at his High School, Ed Rooney.
Well, Ferris’s days of running from Mr. Rooney can finally be put behind him after 14 long years as actor Jeffrey Jones was sentenced to 250 hours community service and 3 years probation for failing to update his details on the sex offenders register.
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Jonathan Rhys Meyers is known for being a loud and abusive drunken idiot, so it’s quite refreshing to hear a new twist on his persona and here it is: He’s now allegedly a loud and abusive, racist drunken idiot! And he’s going back to rehab. Again.
After drinking vodka shots a JFK airport lounge before 7am and getting completely shitfaced, airport staff refused to allow the Irish actor on to his flight to LA.
Jonathan was quite rightly outraged at this – after all, why can’t a world famous actor, who has already been into rehab three times before, having already been arrested for being drunk at an airport twice, neck a bucketful of vodka and stagger on to a plane, allegedly hurling racist slurs at staff? Eh? Don’t they know WHO HE IS???
So he did what any self-respecting Hollywood piss artist would do and lashed out furiously, liberally using the N-word for good measure. And even for a spoilt, drunken idiot, that’s low…
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As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’
‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.
Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.
Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.
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Tucker Chapman hasn't had an easy life. Although his father is Dog The Bounty Hunter, he hasn't picked up on any hereditary traits like the orange skin, rubbish hair or underlying racism.
And when your dad is Dog The Bounty Hunter, you'd better make sure that you play by the rules, unless you want to end up with 16 gallons of bear mace shot directly into your eyes and a florescent man with the hair of a cheap 1980s stripper shouting the word 'bra' condescendingly at you.
Tucker Chapman can't have known this, though, because he's been locked up in a correctional facility for all kinds of drug-based shenanigans.
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