And when your dad is Dog The Bounty Hunter, you'd better make sure that you play by the rules, unless you want to end up with 16 gallons of bear mace shot directly into your eyes and a florescent man with the hair of a cheap 1980s stripper shouting the word 'bra' condescendingly at you.
Tucker Chapman can't have known this, though, because he's been locked up in a correctional facility for all kinds of drug-based shenanigans.
In all of his 106 years on this planet, Dog The Bounty Hunter has only cried four times. Three of those happened when he accidentally held his can of bear mace back to front and shot himself in the eyes with it, and the other is when he went on Larry King to explain why he was such a massive racist.
But now Dog The Bounty Hunter might have a reason to shed a tear for the sixth time. No, not because he's been off the air for so long that he's forgotten which way round to hold his mace can, but because his son Tucker Chapman has been sent to a correctional facility for repeatedly violating the terms of his parole.
That's the same Tucker Chapman, by the way, who sold that tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter being racist to the National Enquirer and thus caused the biggest crisis in Dog The Bounty Hunter's life apart from the time he stood on a rocky shore at midnight and caused six oil tankers to run aground in the mistaken belief that his glowing skin was a lighthouse. Funny how things turn out. TMZ reports:
Dog the Bounty Hunter's son, Tucker was taken to the Oahu Correction Facility on Friday for violating multiple terms of his parole… We're told a parole officer made Tucker check in to a rehab facility, which, we hear, Tucker walked away from. Sources tell us Tucker's parole officer executed a surprise home inspection this week, and didn't like what he found. The PO then brought Tucker in on Friday, revoked his parole and sent him to the slammer. Among his alleged violations — associating with known felons, failing a drug test and walking away from a rehab facility.
It'd be hard enough to tell your parents that you've got into such stupid trouble whoever you are, but Tucker Chapman's dad – lest you need reminding again – is Dog The Bounty Hunter. By rights, Dog The Bounty Hunter should now be chasing Tucker Chapman down an alley squirting chemical nerve agent at the back of his head while roaring like the Cloverfield monster.
But the fall-out from the racism snafu has left Dog The Bounty Hunter a changed man. Instead of, say, smashing Tucker's head in a car door over and over again until he learns his lesson, Dog has issued a heartfelt status on the matter:
"I am heartbroken that this has occurred, but I am relieved that my son in now in a place where he can no longer hurt himself. To my bruddahs in the system: please don't hurt my son as he knows not what he does. I love my son and wish him the best."
That's right – Dog The Bounty Hunter uses the word 'bruddahs' even when writing a formal statement. No wonder Tucker's on drugs.
Still, though, Dog The Bounty Hunter does have a point. Tucker Chapman is in a place where he can no longer hurt himself. Plus, Dog The Bounty Hunter can totally be as racist as he likes without worrying that Tucker's secretly tapping his phone calls. Result.