As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’
‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.
Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.
Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.
In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.
Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell‘s never suffered a snake attack, and New York‘s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.
One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:
When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].
When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.
All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.
Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.
That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?
It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.
We thought so.
Tabitha says
Elusively Avoids? Really??
Mark says
Too bad he missed! Only way we can get rid of his crap tv show.
Rick Dunbar says
Maybee the dog should try his luck with the mexican cartel. I’m sure he would loose his head over the efforts.
sean says
hey mark kiss my ass you stupid fuck !!!!
NightHunter says
You’re a moron Shawn. Go fuck yourself!
NO-ONE says
you people need to grow up. Why dont you keep these crude, rude, son of a gun. I personally like Dog so shut up please.
NO-ONE says
shut up
Gary says
Whatever all you haters out there that hate on dog need to stop hes doin alot of good and trying his best to stop drugs theres always some moron ready to tear down someone when theyre doin good things and let theyre opinion get in the way long live dog his family and his show
PATRICIA HATFIELD says
I’VE NEVER MISSED ONE OF DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER’S SHOWS. I HONOR THE MAN FOR GETTING THE DRUGS OFF THE STREETS. HE’S KEEPING THE DRUGS FROM GETTING INTO THE HANDS OF CHILDREN. I’VE NEVER THOUGHT HE WAS FAKING IT WHEN HE GOES AFTER SOMEONE. I KNOW THAT SOME OF THEIR CASES DO GET SCARREY, BUT HE WON’T USE A GUN. HE BELIEVES IN SECOND CHANCES. EVERYONE ELSE DON’T CARE AS LONG AS IT DON’T BOTHER WITH YOU. SO WHY THE HECK WOULD YOU OR ANYONE ELSE SAY CRUEL THINGS ABOUT A WHOLE FAMILY THAT ARE WORKING TO KEEP THE DRUGS OFF THE STREETS. FOR THOSE WHO HAS A BAD MOUTH TO RUN ON THE CHAPAN FAMILY ARE INTO SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT BE, THAT’S THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULD PUT THESE PEOPLE DOWN. I DON’T THINK DOG WILL EVER CARRY A GUN, WHY? BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING. SO FOR ALL OF THE PUT DOWN PEOPLE, REMEMBER,
WHERE MERCY IS SHOWN, MERCY IS GIVEN.
PATRICIA HATFIELD.
[email protected]
A LONG TIME ADMIRER OF ALL THE CHAPMAN FAMILY, SO SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTHS UP.
PATRICIA HATFIELD says
I’M ONLY SURE OF ONE THING, YOU NEED TO LEARL HOW TO SPELL. DON’T PUT YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUNT JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE DWAYNE DOG CHAPMAN.
THE WORDS MAY BE, ISN’T SPELLED LIKE THIS MAYBEE.
AND I ONLY HAVE A 6 GRADE EDUCATION.
Mark says
He can not carry a gun because he is a FELON !!!
Denise says
DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER IS A JOKE!!I dont know who looks more ridiculous….His fake hair and tan fat butt…or…Beths FAKE HAIR AND FAKE TAN FAT BUTT!!!Its SAD to watch him…and Beth!!They act like idiots as they yell..and as he SENDS HIS SONS IN TO DO ALL THE Hard work!!!They would be funny,if they werent so HIDEOUS!!!
MOOSE says
‘Lerl’…? ‘foot in your mount’…? Are you sure you know how to spell? Maybe (and yes, that is correct) a Grade 6 education was wasted in your case…
If you are going to criticise, at least be correct, you dipstick!