As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’

‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.

Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.

Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.

In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.

Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell’s never suffered a snake attack, and New York’s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.

One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:

When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].

When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.

All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.

Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.

That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?

It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.

We thought so.

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