Articles tagged with: Children
Why can't Britney Spears just decide whether or not she's actually getting better? There's no punchline to that, by the way, it's just a question. Maybe it's because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV. While we're not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren't exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of 'to get me mah kids back' isn't exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display. While you're recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you're trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.
Generally when the Incredible Hulk smites his enemies, he has a small arsenal of weapons - his triceps, his biceps, and if rumors circulating about the 2011 sequel are to be believed - a golden machete. He doesn't need anything else - but that doesn't mean he's unwilling to consider all his options. Lung cancer, for instance, can be a highly effective super-tool in the hands of something so powerful and good. With it, the demise of Magneto could be 20 minutes into a chemo treatment rather than smashing his brains through the side of John Deere headquarters. Also the Hulk could use it to kill his hardest-core fans. Who needs them, right? He's already started, you know - at least according to a legion of physicians. They're so mad, and they will find a way to defeat him no matter what. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Maybe someone should work that into an actual comic book. We're willing to letter it.
The king of punching above his weight has attempted to strike another blow for weird-looking men everywhere. Yes, Billy-Bob Thornton has made claims that Angelina Jolie may come crawling back to him at some point, once she's done with her relationship with that Brad Pitt character. We're not sure when that will be, mind, as she has just about to have some of those child things, with Pitt serving up half of the chromosomes in the deal. But hey - he's already had a crack at her, so why shouldn't ol' Billy-Bob be confident?
Yes people, the legal battle of the century is indeed underway. In the red corner sits wheezing fat Essex toss-fuck Kerry Katona and in the blue corner ex-Westlife ex-fatman ex-husband of aforementioned fat Essex toss-fuck, Brian thingy. Look, listen, Bri wants his fucking kids back, OK? And he’s prepared to go to any lengths necessary to get them, even if it means stating the fucking obvious to the British press. From the Daily Mail : "Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes. Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games. She uses my two girls as a weapon in her childish games. She is an embarrassment to me, my family and my children."
Britney Spears' court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn't cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success. But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears' child visitation rights, you see. Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have easily got the most beautiful family on Earth, and that's the way it'll stay until Zahara has clawed out Shiloh's eyeballs and stomped on them.
Yes, that's right - all of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids hate each other to pieces. Literally to pieces - it's like living with a gaggle of midget Naomi Campbells.
According to reports, Angelina Jolie's adopted brood have started a flurry of three-on-one attacks on her biological daughter Shiloh Nouvel. But Angelina likes nothing more than a fair fight, which is why - rather than the twins everyone expects - Angelina Jolie is actually gestating two fully-armed mecha-warriors from the future up her vagina to help level the playing field. To level it with plasma cannons.
Although she's doing a pretty good job of being a pop star and all-around positive role-model, Britney Spears might be looking ahead to a far-off future when things aren't as peachy for her.
That's why Britney Spears has scored herself a quiet little job on the side. But what job could you really give someone who, just a few weeks ago, was deemed to be too mentally ill to dress or feed herself?
Why, a children's dance instructor, of course. Britney Spears is now a genuine dance instructor at the Millennium Dance Complex in Hollywood and is using her considerable dance experience to teach a group of 15 five-year-olds everything she knows. In fact, next week Britney Spears has even asked Madonna to stop by and jab her ancient tongue into each and every one of those adorable infant mouths. It's heartwarming.
Debbie McGee, the wife of Tesco own-brand magician Paul Daniels, has come under fire this week as her now defunct talent agency - cleverly named Debbie McGee Models - was exposed as a big bag of old shit. One mother, who paid Debbie one hundred and twenty five English pounds to get her daughter Gina modelling work, of which there has subsequently been none, had these words to say:
"When I realised we'd given them £125, I felt stupid."
When you realised? Did Paul hypnotise you, Gina’s mother? The clever bastard! You definitely aren’t stupid. And Debbie lied to you, did she? She told you Gina would be a star within a matter of months, hhmmm? For only £125? Yeah, we would have bought that too. Being a model’s got to be pretty easy when you look like the rejected spawn of John Major and Edwina Currie. The best Gina can expect is to take over from Kerry Katona when her Iceland contract runs out.
