Russell Brand – essentially James Blunt in a long, thick, acrylic wig – has been kicked out of Japan, meaning that his stay in the East was roughly 3 seconds long. In that time, it is assumed that he told roughly 2 jokes and mugged to an imaginary camera 54,900 times.
That’s right. Japanese authorities didn’t care much for the fact that Katy Perry wanted to show her husband the sights, because they were too busy bundling him out of the country and shouting ‘don’t darken our wildly futuristic doorstep again, y’big clot!’
It is widely accepted that Brand got the heave-ho because of his past, which was mostly heroin based. Japanese authorities don’t like people who have taken drugs over a decade ago for some reason.
Katy Perry broke the news to everyone via the Celebrity Confession Booth (or, Twitter, if you prefer). She said:
“So . . . my husband just got deported from Japan. I am so sad. I brought him all this way to show him my favorite place.”
She added:
“It was for priors from over 10 years ago!”
Alas, Brand doesn’t have a criminal record in Japan, but officials over there really aren’t bothered. They don’t take kindly to those with a criminal past and because Tokyo is actually from the future, they don’t have to worry about whether they get celebrity approval because they’ve replaced all human entertainers with robots who are so funny that they make you physically laugh your face off.
Russell of course, couldn’t leave the country without a wisecrack and tweeted
“Planning escape from Japanese custody. It’s bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick.”
Sigh.
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