Posts tagged as:

Children

Heidi Klum Doesn’t Swear At Her Children… Not Out Loud At Least.

by Mof Gimmers

Heidi Klum has a new television show which sounds incredible. Seriously. Television is about to make a giant leap forward into unknown, daring new territory with Seriously Funny Kids, which chronicles the pant-soakingly hilarious things children say out loud from their snot-caked little mouth holes. Klum, who is charisma incarnate and not in any way [...]

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Nicole Kidman Has A Baby And We’re Supposed To Do Somersaults In Glee About The Whole Stupid Thing

by Mof Gimmers

Nicole Kidman isn’t famous for much, but we can almost certainly all agree that her most famous roles were in BMX Bandits and that perfume advert where she garbled “I’m a daaaahncer! I love to dahnce!” with that one-night stand who wore a vest and had greasy hair. The hussy. Anyway, in real life, she’s [...]

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Nicole Kidman Adopted Some Kids. With Some Bloke. Maybe. Who Even Remembers?

by Amy Grindhouse

Nicole Kidman is a mother – something that’s only really brought up when she’s on the promotional trail. We’re not parents of anyone, mind you. We’re only just competent enough to look after the hecklerspray house gerbil, and we don’t think it’s wise to make a leap to a house baby kept in the gerbil’s [...]

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There Is No F***ing Swearing In Eminem’s House, Got That?

by Mof Gimmers

Remember when there was a flicker of life in Eminem’s eyes? Remember those days? He was the Bart Simpson of the rap world and got up people’s noses and occasionally made a tune worth listening to. And everyone kinda liked ‘Stan’ for a few months. Then, Marshall Mathers went mental, got strung out on all [...]

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Hecklerspray Definitely Fathered One Of Michael Jackson’s Children, Just Like Bodyguard Fathered A Blanket

by Mof Gimmers

Michael Jackson’s corpse has had more action than Elvis and Tupac’s combined. Seriously. It’s been insanely busy. After starring in one of the most weird send-offs in history, sat beneath a silver platter being sung at by Smokey Robinson, it went on to release a DVD and try and break-up a massive fight and numerous [...]

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Davina McCall Tells Her Children Just How Good Heroin Is

by Mof Gimmers

People look at Davina McCall and get irritated by her because she’s squeakily enthusiastic all the time. She’s so bloody clean-cut isn’t she? Right? Wrong. Fact is, before Davina appear on our TV sets, she was something of a mental. That’s right. She went out with Eric Clapton and between them, they took enough drugs [...]

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Charlotte Church Has a New Album Coming Out

by Mof Gimmers

Charlotte Church has got a new pop LP coming out later this year and, like the last one, it has a stupid name. It will no doubt be a self confessional affair because she split up with a rugby player and pop stars love bleeding their rings about personal issues don’t they? Unless, of course, a paper is trying to coax it out of them.

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Games Are Killing Your Kids

by Kris Silver

Your children are addicts. Well, not really, but according to Dr Alex Yellowlees of the Priory Hospital in Glasgow they are. But why does Dr Yellowlees believe that your child’s XBOX, PS3 or Wii will violently murder your child and then molest their corpse?

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Charlotte Church Builds A Pub… And You’re Not Invited

by Mof Gimmers

Charlotte ‘Oooh! Hasn’t She Lost Some Weight?’ Church has built a pub in her garden so, presumably, she can get dog-drunk and take a slash in a nearby hedge without fear of passing strangers throwing pint glasses at her head and singing ‘Crazy Chick’ at her whilst she farts the Welsh national anthem.

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Britney Spears’ Children All Swear Like Ruddy Dockers

by Stuart Heritage

Judging by that documentary of her crying for an hour, Britney Spears’ promotion of Circus hasn’t got off to a particularly great start.

And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.

Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself. It’s evolution in progress, people.

Judging by that documentary of her crying for an hour, Britney Spears' promotion of Circus hasn't got off to a particularly great start. And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool - an interview with Rolling Stone - to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can't stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time. Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here - at least they're using words to communicate. That's far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself. It's evolution in progress, people.
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