Katy Perry and Calvin Harris have started having a massive spat on twitter after the tallest Scottish musician who has ever lived decided to cancel some shows with her at the last minute. Something of a godsend for everyone concerned really.
Of course, Harris taking on Perry is hilarious in itself. Some two-bit teeny-raver tackling one of the biggest popstars on the planet is a little bit like watching a cheese-slice trying to brawl with a black hole.
Perry ought to be careful as he might run on-stage with a pineapple slice stapled to his face. Harris should be careful of Perry might set her husband on him to bum him so vigorously that Harris becomes a walking arse-wound (not to mention the dread of having Brand’s sex-noises and constant chatter in his head).
Anyway, Harris, having a timely breakdown on twitter (remember him crying over his music like a spoiled brat?) after Perry called him out on being a lame-ass.
The clearly irked singer spewed:
?Calvin Harris will NOT be joining in on the fun and has CANCELLED last minute.?
Calvin replied:
?Sorry to all who wanted to see me with Katy ? her team suddenly moved the goalposts and I was to appear on stage with no production.?
Katy hit back:
?The goalpost seems to be perfectly fine for New Young Pony Club, Yelle, Robyn, Marina & The Diamonds, to name a few. Or how bout Janell Monae and her 16 piece band? It's fine, I'm used to you cancelling on me, it's become ur staple!?
Calvin, realising that he was about to get his behind handed to him in a tall hat, weaselled:
?It would have looked s***, sounded s*** – trust me you would have been more disappointed SEEING the show than u are with me cancelling.?
?Her show is AWESOME, you\’ll have an amazing time without me. (especially w/o me DJing on a cardboard box in front of a pink curtain)
?I'm really sorry @katyperry I'm just upset because I really wanted to play but ur team made it impossible.
?We tried really hard to sort it out, but playing side of stage for 30 mins, it seemed pointless me even being there. Didn't intend to cause offence or upset anybody.?
He’s right. It would have been pointless him being there. Agonisingly pointless in fact. What was he going to offer to the spectacle? The chance to see a very tall man do a slight pogo like he’s the lead singer of Reverend and the Makers while churning out some of the most gaspingly dull pop-music ever created?
Maybe he was hired so people had ample time to get to the bar and back before the other acts kicked off.
Naturally, unsympathetic pop fans rallied themselves and promptly went about suggesting that Calvin might actually want to kill himself.
?WTF are Katy Perry fans telling me to KILL MYSELF on twitter for? Seriously. I'm a producer making music. Leave me alone please thanks x?
Meanwhile, Katy Perry is still in possession of some irritatingly good pop songs, as well as the shrill squawk of the ‘just-slightly-too-high-for-her-range’ ‘Firework’ single which promotes feeling like a plastic bag.
Oh god. We can’t decide who to hate anymore.
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gilbert wham says
Hating everyone has always worked for me. It avoids any confusion.
Cookie Monster says
This posting caused me to google Calvin Harris and listen to random five-second intervals of the noise called “Flashback”. Therefore, I know that I hate this post for the damage that it caused me.
Wooo-ohhh-ohhhh-oh-oh-ohhhh (please read that in the dullest monotone possible, followed by whisper-singing “flashback flashback, flush this very sad sack”).