Looking back, Lindsay Lohan was always going to end up in rehab – her crippling addictions to starring in films about cheeky magical cars and winking furiously in the posters for every movie she's ever been in were bound to take their toll.
Oh, not really – Lindsay Lohan did go to rehab, but it was probably for drinking too much or something else like that as opposed to a weird predilection for acting with Volkswagen cars that want to have sex with other Volkswagen cars. But you should forget that Lindsay Lohan ever went to rehab, because Lindsay Lohan has told a magazine that she wasn't actually addicted to anything and she just needed a rest. And what's more resting than shelling out $80,000 to spend a month trapped in a big house full of recovering drug addicts? Nothing, that's what.
Lindsay Lohan has been keeping herself to herself for the last few months, and who can blame her. There was a time when Lindsay Lohan was everyone's favourite Hollywood screw-up – whether she was admitting to bulimia and drug-taking, falling over and smashing her wrist, going to visit Bryan Adams and gashing her thigh, having sex with McFly or calling strippers "whores" and "cunts," young Lindsay Lohan was always getting up to more mischief than anyone else.
And then Britney Spears came along and – in a blizzard of puking and head-shaving and car-attacking and biblical bedspread suicide attempts – stole Lindsay Lohan's thunder. All Lindsay Lohan could muster was a letter from an old man telling her off for being a very naughty girl.
However, despite her demotion to second-division hellraiser, Lindsay Lohan went to rehab earlier this year anyway – and now she's finally ready to talk about it. To Allure magazine. For cash. So long as she can steadfastly refuse to admit that she ever had a problem of any sort. E! Online reports:
"I don't know that I'm necessarily an addict," she says in the latest issue. Instead, Lohan says she's taking a suggestion from her therapist and describes her 30-day stint as simply a means to "take care of my personal health." … "I just felt safe," she says. "I thought, 'I'm going to stay here tonight.' And I stayed there. For a month. It was great. … It's so weird that I went to rehab. I always said I would die before I went to rehab."
But at least Lindsay Lohan's non-existent addictions have been cured she'll be straight enough to go on that Iraqi-shooting minibreak she's dreamt about for so long.
It has also been revealed that Lindsay Lohan has dropped out of the Keira Knightley lesbian sex film that she was set to star in. The official excuse so far seems to be that there was a cock-up in negotiations, but it's more than likely that Lindsay Lohan just didn't want to hang around in one place long enough for William H Macy to finally dole out that ass-kicking he's promised for so long.