Britney Spears loves rehab. We know this because Britney Spears has entered rehab for the third time in a week, but this time was different – Britney Spears' newest rehab stint was preceded directly by a rage-filled umbrella attack on a car.
According to reports, the triple whammy of being hounded by the paparazzi, looking more and more certain to lose her children to Kevin Federline and having everyone in the world thinking that she's gone doolally have got to Britney Spears to such an almighty extent that she took her frustrations out on a car with a furled umbrella on Wednesday. Because, let's face it, nothing convinces the public of a healthy mind like a crying skinhead woman attacking a car with a brolly while screaming "fuck yourself!" over and over again.
Britney Spears must be becoming something of a rehab connoisseur at the moment – after going to Eric Clapton's rehab, leaving Eric Clapton's rehab, going to a Malibu rehab, leaving a Malibu rehab and then going back to the Malibu rehab again, Britney Spears has experienced a week-long full-pelt refresher course on all that the world of rehab has to offer. Britney might not know the full 12 steps, but we're willing to bet that she can recite the first one off by heart by now.
The scale of Britney Spears' meltdown has been well-documented over the last few months – what started off with a camp man saying that Britney Spears doesn't dress very well has slowly evolved through Christian-baiting and baby-endangering to the point a couple of weeks ago where Britney Spears was predominantly known for being the sort of train wreck who'd wave her vagina at you, collapse in a nightclub and then blast puke into your hand at the end of the night.
But even that seemed quaint and outmoded in comparison to this week's Britney Spears shenanigans. Thanks to the rehab attempts, the crying head-shave, the million-dollar hair sale and all the Britney haikus, what began as a semi-amusing diversion is now looking worrying like the desperate acts of a young woman on the edge. And we thought that even before Britney Spears started lashing out at cars with umbrellas. The New York Daily News reports:
Wild-eyed and without the blond bobbed wig she's been wearing since she shaved all her hair off, Spears' frustration erupted at the paparazzi who've been dogging her every move since she checked out of rehab for the second time in one week. As her frightened mother sat nearby in a waiting car, Spears lashed out at an empty car, repeatedly beating the doors and windows with a furled umbrella.… Spears lost control outside Federline's house after he threatened an emergency custody hearing for their two sons, Sean Preston, 17 months old, and Jayden James, 5 months… After watching the scene in horror, her concerned mother Lynne swooped into action. By 10:45 p.m., with the help of a bodyguard, Lynne had persuaded her dejected daughter to return to Promises rehab facility in Malibu.
It's now even being rumoured that Britney Spears shaved her head in the first place because Kevin Federline threatened to have her hair drug-tested as part of his ongoing custody fight. What happens now is up to Britney Spears – hopefully she'll lay low in her Malibu rehab centre and use the quiet time to put her life back together again.
The scary thing, though – the really scary thing – is that Kevin 'take my shoes' Federline is starting to look like the responsible adult of the two of them. All because he made an advert where he cooked some chips. Forget Britney's umbrella/car freakout – that's what'll be keeping us awake tonight.