This is a fact: when Britney Spears split up with Kevin Federline, more than 75% of the world's men mistakenly thought that they had a chance with her – but now that Britney Spears has decided to go bald, the percentage has dropped to around zero.
You'll already know by now that Britney Spears decided to go bald and had her head shaved on Friday night – oh, and thanks a lot Britney; next time we decide to do something as classically deranged as that we'll do it after you've just packed up for the weekend – but now the clever owner of the salon has decided to try to sell bald Britney Spears' old hair on eBay. And it would have worked too, if only it weren't for those darn fake bids.
OK Britney Spears, we get it – you're not sexy very more. We understand that. We understood it when Britney Spears was called badly-dressed – twice, we understood it when not even FHM readers wanted to masturbate over Britney Spears any more and when the Japanese freaked out over the sight of her bare arms. Britney Spears even said herself that she didn't feel beautiful – and that was all before she split up with Kevin Federline. Post-split, Britney Spears has been a whirlwind of nightclub collapsing, compulsive vagina-flashing and lumpy puking. Not even the Britney Spears lesbian rumours could restore her sexiness, and they'd even make Whoopi Goldberg sexy. A bit.
So when Britney Spears got all her hair shaved off, it wasn't really going to add to her level of unsexiness – but bald Britney Spears did notch up a few points to her crazyometer. According to reports, Britney Spears checked into a rehab facility in Antigua on Valentine's Day before checking out again after one day for undisclosed reasons. Then Britney Spears decided to go bald in Esther Tognozzi's salon, as This Is London reports:
Britney had spent ten minutes crying in a car outside before going in and asking for her head to be shaved. The owner refused, fearing a writ from the star's management company for ruining Miss Spears' image. 'I tried to talk her out of it,' said Ms Tognozzi. 'I said: "Are you sure you're not having a bad day and tomorrow you'll feel differently about it? Why don't we wait a little bit?'' 'She said: "No, I absolutely want it shaved off now." Next thing, she grabbed the razor, went to the back of my salon and was shaving off her own hair. Afterwards, she just looked in the mirror and said with tears in her eyes: "Oh, my God, I shaved it all off. My mum is going to be so upset with me."'
How reassuring that the salon owner was so considerate to bald Britney Spears, checking and checking again that Britney was certain that baldness was what she really wanted. So when Britney Spears left her salon – apparently to get a tattoo and then go to the Cedar-Sinai hospital for an hour to plead for help – there's a good chance that Esther Tognozzi did what any considerate salon owner would; she stuck bald Britney Spears' hair on eBay for a million dollars, until eBay removed the hair in a spooky shadowing of Britney's eBay bra sale. The New York Post reports:
One seller claimed to be working directly for the L.A. salon's owner, Esther Tognozzi, who opened her shop Friday night just for the spectacularly troubled celeb. Bidding went up to an astounding $1 million before eBay took the offer down from the Web site. The offer included an opened can of Red Bull that Spears was drinking, and a blue Bic lighter she was carrying at the time of the head shaving, the seller said. One offer that was still on the site late last night was drawing absurd bids. One would-be buyer offered nearly $100 million bid for the "locks."
It goes without saying why so many people are interested in buying bald Britney Spears' hair from eBay – who hasn't seen Superman IV: The Quest For Peace at one point or another and fantasised about buying Britney Spears' hair in an online auction and firing it into the sun, creating a solar powered evil clone of Britney Spears named Nuclear Britney Spears who engages bald Britney Spears in a battle to the death, climaxing in a one-on-one super vagina battle inside a power station that bald Britney Spears ultimately wins to the delight of a frantic population? Who hasn't thought of that?