hecklerspray’s never been to rehab, but we have been to a fat camp, and worked in its kitchen, which was just as easy as you’d think it’d be – we’d put milk on carrot balls and call it desert. You should have seen their thinning little faces.
Fat kids are people too though, you know? There wasn’t a night we didn’t think that as we helped lock them in their cages. Empathy like that is the kind of thing that let us relate perfectly to the celebrities who flow like wine through rehab facilities. Now it probably comes as a surprise to nobody that bald Britney Spears has just checked herself into one such facility, and she’s having the time of her life!
We work in the kitchen there too. We can’t wait until Britney sees our carrot cake has no vodka. That’s the kind of stuff that gets us through.
Let’s just kick things off here. Crazy bald Britney Spears’ supreme slave Larry Rudolph issued this statement:
"Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today. We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those (privacy concerns) of her family and friends at this time."
Realising that it takes balls to enter rehab, but more balls to enter rehab, leave after a single day, shave her head in a disturbing sobbing fit and then go to rehab again, Britney Spears reportedly checked in to soothe the urgings of her family, and possibly to stop the horrible birth canal flashbacks both her sons were having every time their mother stepped out a car in a hiked-up mini skirt.
Bald Britney Spears’ rehabilitation train follows a myriad of other celebrities into the clarity of rehab – famous people like Robbie Williams, Mel Gibson, Isaiah Washington kind of, Nicole Kidman’s earring adorned possible midget husband, a recently fixed Lindsay Lohan, and not Brian May at all.
Will Britney Spears get better? hecklerspray thinks so. She has to. We envision a time when Britney rules the world politically, putting her weird statue firmly where Saddam‘s used to be. Her domination would be just, and Britney Spears would finally reinstitute the serf system we’ve been personally clanging for something like three years now. Thanks for nothing stupid congress – now you’ll get yours! Hypothetically !
PS. We’d like to be landowners please, Britney.