It's a choice that all children of divorce must make at some point; do I want to live with my mother, who drives me round unsafely and lets me fall on my head; or my father, who was off making a godawful hip-hop album during all of this?
It's a hard choice, and thank God Sean Preston and Jayden James Federline won't need to make it. You see, a day after Britney Spears decided to become a 24-year-old, twice-divorced single mother of two by sending a text message to delusional numbskull Kevin Federline asking for a divorce, things have already started to turn nasty – Kevin Federline wants to fight for custody of the children he had with Britney Spears. Goddamn it – those two tiny cornrow home salon sets that K-Fed bought the kids won't go to waste. They just won't!
When Britney Spears decided to divorce Kevin Federline this week, the only surprise was that it had taken so long. Ever since they got married two years ago, rumours had been rife that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were probably the shittest couple ever to have walked the earth. If the website that existed solely to urge Britney Spears to divorce Kevin wasn't enough to make people think that Spears and Federline were useless at being married, then maybe their behaviour was. After all, when Britney Spears said that Kevin Federline was "awesome" in an interview a few months ago, she burst into a freakish fit of piggy tears seconds afterwards. And Kevin Federline would happily admit that he didn't like being married to Britney Spears. And Britney Spears wrote a loopy poem all about what a douche Kevin Federline was on her website. The clues were there, people.
Even when Britney Spears and Kevin Federline made The National Enquirer apologise for questioning their marriage, the typical response was "Oh come ON, seriously?" So, yes, nobody is surprised by the Britney Spears divorce. But – as Britney Spears and Kevin Federline should be getting on with the usual divorce proceedings of deciding who gets the head and who gets the crowning vulva of the naked Britney Spears statue, and who gets to keep the secret Britney Spears sex tape that doesn't exist – Kevin Federline has thrown a spanner in the works by fighting for custody of their two children, as Reuters reports:
The court papers show that, two months after the birth of their second son, both Spears and Federline were prepared to fight over custody of the children in what could be a bitter divorce proceeding. "The pleading is responsive to the petition hurriedly filed by Britney Spears yesterday, which may have been a preemptive strike in anticipation by her of the filing by Kevin seeking sole custody of the children," Federline's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, said in a written statement. "Kevin is prepared to go the distance in order to do what he feels is necessary to protect and safeguard the children and will not be intimidated or dissuaded from pursuit of those goals," Kaplan said.
So – who gets custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James? Who gets to love, nurture and care for the infants, at least until Jayden James gets old enough to realise that his parents fucked about with his name and loses his shit with them? Let's weigh up the pros and cons:
Britney Spears – FOR: Britney Spears is the mother of Sean Preston and Jayden James, and so she's best equipped to care for them them the best, or at least hire the best male nanny to make sure she doesn't almost drop them with a glass of booze in her hand again. AGAINST: In just over a year Britney Spears has managed to drive with Sean Preston on her lap, let a nanny fracture his skull and then drive him round dangerously again – the babies would have a better chance with Mr Bean looking after them. Plus now Kevin Federline's out of the picture, Britney Spears might start having Fred Durst over again, and what kid wants that?
Kevin Federline – FOR: Kevin Federline has already said that his children come before his music, so if he gets custody of the kids maybe he'll finally shut the hell up. Also, maybe Sean Preston can help daddy with the hard spelling in the script of his life that he's writing. AGAINST: Duh, it's Kevin Federline? Hello?
Seriously, we should charge a fee for advice like this.