The other day we were idly compiling a list of all the various ways that Britney Spears had alienated whatever fans she had left, and we realised that – hey – Britney Spears hadn't barfed copious amounts of runny vomit all over a boy yet.
Well, there is a God and he appears to be listening. According to reports, Britney Spears has been continuing to get over her messy split from Kevin Federline by treating her new boyfriend Isaac Cohen to the sort of lifestyle that only the fallen princess of pop can give a man; a weekend in a ridiculously overpriced hotel and a very special gift – the gift of spewing unrelenting torrents of warm gushing puke all over his clothes like an out-of-control fire hose attached to a very ill man's guts. Us next, Britney! Us next!
We're not entirely certain, but we get the feeling that – when Britney Spears married Kevin Federline – K-Fed slipped a clause into their pre-nup ordering Britney Spears to make him look the more respectable of the two if they ever split up. That's the only explanation as to why Britney Spears has been basically acting like a performing monkey ever since she decided to divorce Kevin Federline.
As if married Britney Spears wasn't bad enough – what with all the crying and the child-endangering and the accidental pregnancies -single Britney Spears has somehow managed to be even worse. Following her split with Kevin Federline, Britney Spears hasn't so much fallen off the rails as put the rails on the wing of an aeroplane and dived off mid-flight. So far Britney Spears has hung out with Paris Hilton – a role model about as appropriate as Pol Pot – displayed her mimsy to every man, woman and child on the planet and collapsed in a drunken heap in a nightclub as 2007 tick-tocked its way into being.
Sure, Britney Spears has tried to counter this – rumour has it that Britney's new hand tattoo says 'Don't Be Such A Fucking Ass-Clown' in Hebrew – but it doesn't seem to be working. Britney Spears seems to have a new man in her life – some bloke called Isaac Cohen – but Britney can't even go out on a date with him without ralphing a stream of vomit into his hand at the end of the night, as The Sun reports:
The pasty-looking pop princess was in pieces after a drinking binge with new fella Isaac Cohen. But the male model was left mopping the contents of her stomach off the gear-stick with paper towels. An onlooker said: “The car suddenly stopped and Britney was being sick. As soon as they realised they could be seen, Isaac tried to cover the mess with his shirt.”
However, as seduction techniques go, blasting a jet of vomit all over a potential paramour seems to have done the trick – following the spew attack, the worst-dressed woman in the world and Isaac Cohen are then reported to have spent the weekend at a $40,000 per night Las Vegas hotel room complete with glass elevator, jacuzzi and eight-foot rotating bed, which seems to have been specifically designed to make people vomit.
It's hard to know exactly what Britney Spears will do next – short of shitting herself and rolling about in it while reading selected passages from Mein Kampf, it's hard to know how her stock can get any lower – but we're fully expecting another suspiciously coherent 'message from Britney' apology on her website in the next few days, containing at least one of the following lines "It's been so long since I've drank enough to unstoppably puke over a boy," "I won't go anywhere now without a couple of stolen airline sickbags and a wet-wipe," and "I blame the media."