Sigh, this is what you get if you decide to let 14-year-old boys write and produce films; Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley going at like a pair of lesbian badgers, probably on a planet of ninja robot dinosaurs too.
Sadly, as ace as a Lindsay Lohan/ Keira Knightley/ Lesbian/ Ninja/ Robot/ Dinosaur movie would be, you're not going to get one of those. However, Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley are going to be doing a whole bunch of Earthbound lesbian stuff together in a forthcoming movie about Dylan Thomas. And the bit about the 14-year-old boy writing it was made up, too – in reality, these scenes of hot lesbian Lindsay Lohan/ Keira Knightley action have been written by none other than Keira Knightley's Mum. Do you want to hold the bucket so we can puke in it, or shall we hold the bucket so that you can puke in it?
In theory – ie most teenagers' filthy minds – both Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley have a history of being a bit lesbian-y; after all, Lindsay Lohan once did a sexy poledance with Kate Moss and Keira Knightley once got naked with Scarlett Johansson. In reality, though, neither of them are all that sexy; Lindsay Lohan is a chronically ill young woman who advertises acne cream and Keira Knightley's best-ever anecdote is about some crisps. Anyway, despite this spectacular lack of va-va-voom, Keira Knightley and Lindsay Lohan will be performing a series of lesbian sex acts on each other in a new film, as FemaleFirst explains:
The film is about famous Welsh poet Dylan Thomas and his wife, Caitlin, and was written by Keira's mother, Sharman Macdonald. Lindsay revealed to MTV: "Keira is older than me, but she kind of has a mysterious relationship with my lover and there's somewhat of a lesbian undertone." Aside from the erotic storyline, the movie will also focus on a real-life incident in which Keira's character Vera and her future husband attack the poet's home with a machine gun and a hand grenade.
Oh. It's a lesbian film about a poet. Bor-ing. It's probably going to be full of really sad sex scenes, too, where Keira Knightley will shed a solitary symbolic tear as Lindsay Lohan undresses her, before the camera cuts away to a 35-minute montage of meadows just as they start to get filthy with each other. We know that sort of film all too well, having been fooled by them umpteen times throughout our lives. Well we won't be fooled again, and we certainly won't be sneaking downstairs after our parents have gone to sleep when the Keira Knightley/ Lindsay Lohan lesbian film gets shown by Channel 4 at midnight in a few years time. No siree.
[story by Stuart Heritage]