One day we fully expect that the rumoured Britney Spears sex tape will be talked about in the same sentence as Atlantis, the abominable snowman and King Arthur's knights – unless Kevin Federline flogs it on the internet, of course.
Nobody really knows if a Britney Spears sex tape even exists; a court case was meant to settle it once and for all, but it sort of backfired because the judge thought Britney Spears was a slapper, or something. But now reports are suggesting that Britney Spears' soon-to-be divorced husband Kevin Federline has a copy of a four-hour Britney Spears sex tape, and he's apparently going to sell it for millions of pounds unless Britney gives him custody of their kids. Although why anyone would want to watch Britney Spears have sex with Kevin Federline for four hours when they could watch her 2002 masterpiece Crossroads twice in a row is beyond us, right? Right? Anyone? Hello?
Britney Spears spent two years being married to Kevin Federline; that's two years of pumping out redneck baby after redneck baby, occasionally endangering the lives of those babies and trying to suppress laughter at the idea of Kevin Federline's musical career. After all the reports and bad poems depicting the bad times they went through together, those two years didn't really sound like a bundle of laughs for Britney Spears. But at least when Britney Spears did have fun she was decent enough to video it. We're not talking about the Britney Spears reality TV show – that was about as fun as a jackhammer vasectomy – but the oft-rumoured Britney Spears sex tape.
The existence of a Britney Spears sex tape has long been whispered about. Britney and Kevin tried to sue Us Weekly magazine for suggesting that there was a Britney Spears sex tape, but the lawsuit was dismissed last week when the judge told Britney that if she was that worried about her sex life becoming public she should probably stop dressing like such a tart all the time. Following that, a 19-second clip of a woman doing something filthy to a man hit the internet. If you were far enough away away and squinted a bit, the woman sort of looked a bit like Britney Spears, but the clip was quickly disproved. And that's because Britney's almost-divorced husband Kevin Federline apparently still has the Britney Spears sex tape, even if he is getting ready to sell it to the highest bidder, as the News Of The World reports:
Dumped husband Kevin Federline has been touting the four-hour tape for sale and has already been offered £26 MILLION. A film company wants to make it available online to fans around the world. One close pal said: "This vid is dynamite and Kev knows it." … Britney, 24, fears the raunchy footage will destroy her wholesome image unless she caves in to his demands for a £16million payoff and custody of their children.
So that's good news and bad news for everyone, really. It's bad news for Britney Spears, who a) might have to take Kevin Federline's custody claims seriously now and b) is under the impression that dressing up as a slaggy flight attendant and writhing around is 'wholesome'. But, since the Britney Spears sex tape was reportedly filmed during the couple's honeymoon, it's good news for the army of antsy perverts who were worried that any Britney Spears sex tape would feature the flabby, badly-dressed, mother of two, officially unsexy latter-day Britney Spears instead of the pop vixen from 2004.
Of course, that's only if a Britney Spears sex tape even exists at all. We still have our suspicions, and here's why. Read this quote, apparently from a source close to Kevin Federline:
"At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn't keep their hands off each other. They did nothing all day but have sex – and play the odd game of chess."
Come on, as if Britney Spears knows how to play chess.