Martin Sheen To Be Crap And Then Die In Spider-Man

Seriously, talk about a missed opportunity. Apparently Martin Sheen will play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot.

Martin Sheen. Old man West Wing president Martin Sheen. What’s the point in that? Hopefully the reports we read were wrong, and it’s actually Charlie Sheen who’d been signed to play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot. Because, admit it, that would be incredible – especially when he came to say the line “With great power comes great responsi… WHERE’S MY WALLET? WAARRRGH! IT WAS FULL OF ALL MY COCAINE! I’LL KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND THEN KILL ALL OF YOU! BLEEURAAARGH! Oh man, I’m so hammered right now.”

But, no, fine, why don’t you just cast Martin Sheen instead? You absolute morons. Sheesh.

Demi Lovato Might Have Punched A Dancer, Which Is Hilarious

Look, you don’t mess with Demi Lovato. You just don’t. In fact, you don’t mess with any tweeny Disney stars.

Vanessa Hudgens? No. Miley Cyrus? No, her face has seen things, you can tell. The Jonas Brothers? No, not unless you want to have your arse kicked by the full force of their furious three-way eyebrows/ virginity combo. But you really, really don’t want to mess with Demi Lovato.

You may recall that Demi Lovato recently went to rehab. Some suggested that this was because she was addicted to drugs. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to alcohol. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to purging ever meal she eats. But no. If the rumours are correct, then Demi Lovato is in rehab because she’s addicted to punching one dancer in the face once and then freaking out about it. Who knew?

Lil Wayne Out Of Jail, Larger Waynes Apparently Delighted

Lil Wayne has always been the problem Wayne. Big Wayne, for instance, always made a point to keep his head down.

And Medium-Sized Wayne? Why, butter wouldn’t melt in Medium-Sized Wayne’s mouth. But Lil Wayne has always been trouble. That’s why he’s just spent the last eight months in jail for spacking about illegally with an automatic gun. But those days are over – yesterday Lil Wayne was released from jail, and as a result he’s got plenty of lost time to make up for.

What’s on the cards for newly-free Lil Wayne? Well, according to reports, he’s planning a great big Welcome Home party for himself in Miami. That sounds delightful. Lil Wayne will show those other rappers what a real party is. Happy Meals and fairy cakes all round!

SLACKERJACK – Sperm Invasion

Space Invaders might be a classic, iconic, world-changing videogame, but you know what it doesn’t have enough of? That’s right: sperm.

Fortunately Sperm Invasion counters this imbalance with ease. You play a natty little cupid, standing on an ovum trying to fend off all the waves of oncoming spunk with your tiny mythic arrows. Fail to protect yourself properly and you’ll end up getting knocked up. Sperm Invasion is excellent, and if you don’t play it then we’ll quickly refuse to like you any more. FACT.

Play Sperm Invasion now

Oh No, Stuart Heritage Is In Charge Of Hecklerspray Again

So, here we are again. Less than two months after I left, I’m back editing hecklerspray.

Don’t all spaff your pants at once, though. I’m only here for one day, while my disappointing replacement Mof Gimmers gets his vaginal fistula treated by an underqualified backstreet surgeon. Come Monday I’ll be gone and you’ll all either regard today as an unfunny blip on an otherwise improving website or you’ll simply forget about me entirely again.

So let’s have fun today, shall we? FUN! Woo! Yeah! Let’s have lots of FUN and be really HAPPY!

I’m sorry. I’ve changed.

MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR: OK, Bye Then

So, this is it. My last post as hecklerspray editor. Weird.

I’ve been with hecklerspray for over five years, in which time I’ve written almost 9,000 posts, won awards, helped the site become quite big and received more woefully misspelled death threats than I could ever count. So these next few paragraphs might be a little bit self-indulgent. Sorry.

Mainly, I need to thank some people. Chris and Dave, the shadowy hecklerspray puppeteers, for giving me this chance in the first place. Friends and family, for putting up with me when I’ve ignored them in favour of work. Michael Bay’s lawyer, for not going completely apeshit that time I accidentally called his client a murderer. Britney Spears, for shaving her hair and going mental that time. Seriously, Britney, that was hilarious.

VIDEO: Lady Gaga Breaks Up Fight With Her Voice And Bottom

There is literally nothing that Lady Gaga can’t do. She can wear impractical frocks, and she can, um…

Look, it’s mainly the impractical dress thing, OK? She’s not exactly a superhero, is she? Honestly, you lot should really consider re-evaluating the level of personal investment you put into these people. It’s not doing you any good. So Lady Gaga can wear some uncomfortable-looking clothes and do a passable imitation of Madonna. So what? She’s just a person. What else has she ever done that’s so great? Huh?

Oh, actually she managed to stop a fight at one of her recent concerts by shouting at the audience and then sort of wiggling her bum around a bit. That’s sort of cool. If you like that sort of thing. There’s a video of it after the jump if you’re really that interested. You are? Oh, you people.

SLACKERJACK – Depict1

Now this is a psychological nightmare. Depict1 is possibly one of the most menacing online game we’ve ever had to play.

And the worst thing is that we can’t tell you why. The secret of Depict1 is, well, a secret. The only way to get to the bottom of it is to play it. Or, you know, not play it. In fact, no, don’t play Depict1. Don’t.

Don’t play Depict1 now

David & Victoria Beckham Intimately Yours Ad: DECODED

First the bad news: David and Victoria Beckham have got a new perfume out, called Intimately Yours.

Why is that bad news? Because, obviously, if you have any pikeys in your family, there’s a chance that you’re going to get a bottle of this muck for Christmas. Apparently Intimately Yours smells of oranges and frozen basil, which we assume is a polite way of saying that it smells like earwax and vinegar and what Pot Noodles smell like if you wee into them and leave it for a month. Who knows. Either way, it sounds terrible.

But now the good news: David and Victoria Beckham have made a TV commercial for Intimately Yours, and it’s such a flurry of superfast information that we’re going to have to decode it scene by scene after the jump for you. Hooray? HOORAY!

Sorry Everyone On Earth, Halle Berry Is Taken Again

Sorry everyone. You had your chance. Halle Berry was single, and that’s when you should have made your move.

It wouldn’t have been successful. She’s Halle Berry for crying out loud – if she hadn’t laughed directly in your face for having the brazen temerity to even think that you had a shot at her, then her merciless hoots of derision as she took her first glance at your gnarled, withered excuse for a semi-erect penis would have destroyed your chances for sure. She’s Halle Berry. You’re just some bloke. Gain some perspective, for God’s sake. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Anyway. The point is that even if Halle Berry wasn’t so far out of your league that you barely even count as the same species, it’s too late. Apparently she’s going out with Olivier Martinez now. So, you know, please continue to be pointless and lonely.