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Stuart Heritage

Seriously, talk about a missed opportunity. Apparently Martin Sheen will play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot.

Martin Sheen. Old man West Wing president Martin Sheen. What’s the point in that? Hopefully the reports we read were wrong, and it’s actually Charlie Sheen who’d been signed to play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot. Because, admit it, that would be incredible – especially when he came to say the line “With great power comes great responsi… WHERE’S MY WALLET? WAARRRGH! IT WAS FULL OF ALL MY COCAINE! I’LL KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND THEN KILL ALL OF YOU! BLEEURAAARGH! Oh man, I’m so hammered right now.”

But, no, fine, why don’t you just cast Martin Sheen instead? You absolute morons. Sheesh.

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Look, you don’t mess with Demi Lovato. You just don’t. In fact, you don’t mess with any tweeny Disney stars.

Vanessa Hudgens? No. Miley Cyrus? No, her face has seen things, you can tell. The Jonas Brothers? No, not unless you want to have your arse kicked by the full force of their furious three-way eyebrows/ virginity combo. But you really, really don’t want to mess with Demi Lovato.

You may recall that Demi Lovato recently went to rehab. Some suggested that this was because she was addicted to drugs. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to alcohol. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to purging ever meal she eats. But no. If the rumours are correct, then Demi Lovato is in rehab because she’s addicted to punching one dancer in the face once and then freaking out about it. Who knew?

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Lil Wayne has always been the problem Wayne. Big Wayne, for instance, always made a point to keep his head down.

And Medium-Sized Wayne? Why, butter wouldn’t melt in Medium-Sized Wayne’s mouth. But Lil Wayne has always been trouble. That’s why he’s just spent the last eight months in jail for spacking about illegally with an automatic gun. But those days are over – yesterday Lil Wayne was released from jail, and as a result he’s got plenty of lost time to make up for.

What’s on the cards for newly-free Lil Wayne? Well, according to reports, he’s planning a great big Welcome Home party for himself in Miami. That sounds delightful. Lil Wayne will show those other rappers what a real party is. Happy Meals and fairy cakes all round!

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Space Invaders might be a classic, iconic, world-changing videogame, but you know what it doesn’t have enough of? That’s right: sperm.

Fortunately Sperm Invasion counters this imbalance with ease. You play a natty little cupid, standing on an ovum trying to fend off all the waves of oncoming spunk with your tiny mythic arrows. Fail to protect yourself properly and you’ll end up getting knocked up. Sperm Invasion is excellent, and if you don’t play it then we’ll quickly refuse to like you any more. FACT.

Play Sperm Invasion now

So, here we are again. Less than two months after I left, I’m back editing hecklerspray.

Don’t all spaff your pants at once, though. I’m only here for one day, while my disappointing replacement Mof Gimmers gets his vaginal fistula treated by an underqualified backstreet surgeon. Come Monday I’ll be gone and you’ll all either regard today as an unfunny blip on an otherwise improving website or you’ll simply forget about me entirely again.

So let’s have fun today, shall we? FUN! Woo! Yeah! Let’s have lots of FUN and be really HAPPY!

I’m sorry. I’ve changed.

So, this is it. My last post as hecklerspray editor. Weird.

I’ve been with hecklerspray for over five years, in which time I’ve written almost 9,000 posts, won awards, helped the site become quite big and received more woefully misspelled death threats than I could ever count. So these next few paragraphs might be a little bit self-indulgent. Sorry.

Mainly, I need to thank some people. Chris and Dave, the shadowy hecklerspray puppeteers, for giving me this chance in the first place. Friends and family, for putting up with me when I’ve ignored them in favour of work. Michael Bay’s lawyer, for not going completely apeshit that time I accidentally called his client a murderer. Britney Spears, for shaving her hair and going mental that time. Seriously, Britney, that was hilarious.

And, obviously, all the hecklerspray writers past and present, even though the last thing their bloated collective ego needs is praise.

Most of all, though, I should thank the hecklerspray readers. Over the years, more than anyone else, you’ve helped to make the site what it is. You’ve been quick to compliment (and even quicker to criticise) and this blog would be a pointless empty husk if it weren’t for you lot. I’ve got to know a few of you over the years, and I’ll miss you all ridiculously.

Not that this is the end of hecklerspray of course. My replacement Mof Gimmers has already shown that he’s a mighty editor, and a funny bastard, so I’ve no doubt that he’s going to completely overshadow anything I’ve ever accomplished within about an hour and a half of taking over. And, who knows, I might still come back and write the odd bit whenever I can.

Speaking of which, I’m not dying or anything. If you want, you can still read my Guardian stuff, plus you can all keep in touch on Twitter and Facebook and whatnot. That’d be quite nice, actually.

Ugh. Sincerity. How vulgar. This must be my excuse to get drunk.

Toodleoo everyone. It’s been a ball.

Stu.

PS: There’s usually a thing here about following hecklerspray on Facebook and Twitter, but putting that bit in was always a bit of a ballache so I won’t bother. But, you know, do.

There is literally nothing that Lady Gaga can’t do. She can wear impractical frocks, and she can, um…

Look, it’s mainly the impractical dress thing, OK? She’s not exactly a superhero, is she? Honestly, you lot should really consider re-evaluating the level of personal investment you put into these people. It’s not doing you any good. So Lady Gaga can wear some uncomfortable-looking clothes and do a passable imitation of Madonna. So what? She’s just a person. What else has she ever done that’s so great? Huh?

Oh, actually she managed to stop a fight at one of her recent concerts by shouting at the audience and then sort of wiggling her bum around a bit. That’s sort of cool. If you like that sort of thing. There’s a video of it after the jump if you’re really that interested. You are? Oh, you people.

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Now this is a psychological nightmare. Depict1 is possibly one of the most menacing online game we’ve ever had to play.

And the worst thing is that we can’t tell you why. The secret of Depict1 is, well, a secret. The only way to get to the bottom of it is to play it. Or, you know, not play it. In fact, no, don’t play Depict1. Don’t.

Don’t play Depict1 now

David & Victoria Beckham Intimately Yours Ad: DECODED

by Stuart Heritage

First the bad news: David and Victoria Beckham have got a new perfume out, called Intimately Yours. Why is that bad news? Because, obviously, if you have any pikeys in your family, there’s a chance that you’re going to get a bottle of this muck for Christmas. Apparently Intimately Yours smells of oranges and frozen [...]

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Sorry Everyone On Earth, Halle Berry Is Taken Again

by Stuart Heritage

Sorry everyone. You had your chance. Halle Berry was single, and that’s when you should have made your move. It wouldn’t have been successful. She’s Halle Berry for crying out loud – if she hadn’t laughed directly in your face for having the brazen temerity to even think that you had a shot at her, [...]

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