Martin Sheen. Old man West Wing president Martin Sheen. What’s the point in that? Hopefully the reports we read were wrong, and it’s actually Charlie Sheen who’d been signed to play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot. Because, admit it, that would be incredible – especially when he came to say the line “With great power comes great responsi… WHERE’S MY WALLET? WAARRRGH! IT WAS FULL OF ALL MY COCAINE! I’LL KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND THEN KILL ALL OF YOU! BLEEURAAARGH! Oh man, I’m so hammered right now.”
But, no, fine, why don’t you just cast Martin Sheen instead? You absolute morons. Sheesh.
Uncle Ben is often cited as the most important figure in Spider-Man’s origin story, because if it wasn’t for his “With great power comes great responsibility” speech right before he dies, Peter Parker would probably just use his Spider-Man powers to look at women’s bras and make old people fall over. Just like you would. Oh, don’t try and deny it. It’s written all over your face, you cruel pervert.
But still, this all means that the casting of Uncle Ben is paramount to the success of the Spider-Man reboot. Uncle Ben needs to be kindly, and he needs to be benevolent, and he has to be capable of laying the world’s most ginormous guilt-trip on a teenage boy from his deathbed. Cast it wrong and the whole thing falls apart. So who have producers reportedly cast to play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot? Well, Martin Sheen, obviously. It was written in the headline and we’ve already mentioned it about four times. Pay more attention, would you? Jesus.
Anyway, EW reports:
Director Marc Webb (500 Days of Summer) continues casting Sony?s Spider-Man revamp, slated for 2012. EW.com has confirmed that the helmer has tapped Martin Sheen (The West Wing, Apocalypse Now) to play the role of Uncle Ben.
See? But you know what? Martin Sheen was a terrible choice. He’ll be a terrible Uncle Ben. Here’s why:
1 – His haircut makes him look like Gary Oldman‘s Dracula.
2 – He’s already too recognisable from his most famous role. When Martin Sheen is trying to convince us that he’s Uncle Ben, we’ll all be thinking “You’re not Uncle Ben. You’re that bloke. You know, Praxis from one episode of the short-lived 1999 TV series Total Recall 2070.”
3 – Basically the only thing that Martin Sheen has to say in the entirety of the film is “With great power comes great responsibility”, which would be fine except he’s Charlie Sheen’s dad. Surely if he wants his parental message to ring true, that line should be changed to “With great power comes… oh, just do whatever the hell you like. Try to kill your wife on Christmas day. Take all your clothes off and smash up a hotel room because you think a prostitute has stolen your phone for all I care. Seriously, go crazy.” This probably wouldn’t work as well, to be honest.