After two decades, several free cars and enough weight fluctuation to sculpt a small cellulite army, Oprah is done.

Quickly, what’s the most distressing thing you can think of?

Is it the sight of a man slowly crumbling to pieces – so that, at one point, he closely resembles Sloth from The Goonies – to the sound of a slowed-down version of Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory as performed by what appears to be a chain-smoking murderer with asthma? It is? Why that’s just wonderful, because that’s exactly what’s in the video after the jump.

Don’t worry, though – the video has a happy ending. Sort of. We think. We were too busy crying to notice…

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This is just a hunch, but we’re expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People’s sexiest man alive next year.

Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.

Holy Jesus, Ultimate Assassin 2 has got to be the tensest game we’ve ever played. It’s unbearably tense. It’s beyond tense. It’s heart-poundingly, pant-poopingly tense.

We mean it. The aim of Ultimate Assassin 2 is to kill a single target and then escape the room without detection. But that’s almost impossible thanks to all the roaming security guards whose glances you have to avoid. Ultimate Assassin 2 is all about stealth and patience – if you have to wait in a corner doing absolutely nothing for a couple of minutes to accomplish your kill, then that’s what you have to do. But, God, it’s…

Winning that Oscar for Dreamgirls didn’t just make Jennifer Hudson a household name, it also changed her life forever.

Let’s play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice.

Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston’s penis for protruding veins.