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Stuart Heritage

SLACKERJACK – Riskful Thinking

by Stuart Heritage

Like gambling? Don’t like having plates thrown at your head when you’ve finished gambling because your wife’s upset about you blowing all your savings on a cockfight? Then boy oh boy, are you going to love Riskful Thinking. It’s all the fun of gambling, with none of the catastrophic financial ruin. Here’s how it works [...]

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Rooney’s Hooker’s Dad Apologises For His Daughter’s Tumpsy

by Stuart Heritage

Throughout this Wayne Rooney prostitute palaver, one person has been keeping conspicuously silent. Wayne Rooney? No. Colleen Rooney? No. The prostitute who allegedly had it off with Wayne Rooney all those times? Well, obviously not, no – she’s barely been able to keep her trap shut all week. No, we’re talking about the prostitute’s dad. [...]

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William Shatner Believes In Aliens, Which Is Apparently News

by Stuart Heritage

Don’t tell William Shatner about aliens. He knows all about aliens. He was captain of the Starship Enterprise. He’s met loads of aliens. Admittedly most of them looked identical to minor 1960s television actresses and, by ‘met’, we obviously mean that William Shatner has tried poking his fingers up their mimsies at least once in [...]

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WEBTHUMP! Stu’s Last WEBTHUMP!

by Stuart Heritage

10 – THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER ONE… 9 – Who wants to make people out of acorns? – Craftjr 8 – Oh Pamela Anderson. Ick – AmyGrindhouse 7 – OLD BOOZE – Asylum 6 – THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER TWO… 5 – Seven awesome things [...]

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Strictly Come Dancing: Meet This Year’s Gasping Nonentities

by Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor? It’s a question that’s divided the nation. You have to prefer one. You have to. Even though deep down you realise that they’re both a bit insultingly crap. Anyway, if you prefer Strictly Come Dancing, today is your lucky day – the list of celebrity participants for this year’s [...]

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Twilight: Emma Watson Wants Robert Pattinson To Bog Off

by Stuart Heritage

Twilight and Harry Potter are basically the same – both are supernatural books for children and stupid adults. But there are differences. In Harry Potter, it’s basically taken as granted that all the characters are timid virgins – except for Dumbledore, of course, who spends most of his free time engaged in all sorts of [...]

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SLACKERJACK – Grow Valley

by Stuart Heritage

Our lives have been empty – EMPTY – without a new Eyezmaze game to play. So when we heard about Grow Valley, we’re not too proud to admit that we actually soiled ourselves in excitement. If you’ve even only played one Eyezmaze game you’ll already know how Grow Valley works – you pick a bunch [...]

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Inevitable ‘Coleen Rooney Throws Wayne Rooney Out’ Story

by Stuart Heritage

Whether it’s with a prostitute or a hairdresser he can puke all over, there’s a pattern to cheating footballers. First the wife is outraged. Then the wife hurls the footballer out of his home. Then, remembering that the footballer earns more in a week than they would in two years, the wife takes the footballer [...]

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Kristen Stewart’s Vagina Makes Robert Pattinson Jealous

by Stuart Heritage

How to make Robert Pattinson jealous: 1) Have more than one facial expression. 2) Be able to brush your own hair. 3) Wash yourself proficiently. 4) Have a bucketload of red-hot simulated sex with Kristen Stewart. All of these are completely true but, for the purposes of this story, the last one is the most [...]

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The American Yankee Doodles Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

We… we don’t know how to say this. It seems so alien to us. So unusual. We’re scared and confused. So we’ll just say it. It’s Lindsay Lohan. She’s made a successful film. We know. Weird, isn’t, it? Lindsay Lohan made a film that people willingly gave up some of their money to see. Bizarre, [...]

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