Then boy oh boy, are you going to love Riskful Thinking. It’s all the fun of gambling, with none of the catastrophic financial ruin. Here’s how it works – you’re given $10,000 and shoved inside a little casino. Win enough and you can progress to a bigger casino. Win enough there and you can progress to a place where dogs fight each other and people play Russian Roulette. Win enough there and you can blow it all on the stock market and end up penniless. Or you can take the money leave whenever you like. But who’d do that?
Wayne Rooney? No. Colleen Rooney? No. The prostitute who allegedly had it off with Wayne Rooney all those times? Well, obviously not, no – she’s barely been able to keep her trap shut all week. No, we’re talking about the prostitute’s dad. How are we supposed to get a rounded picture of the scandal unless the man who fathered the woman who reportedly received money to put Wayne Rooney’s penis in her mouth gives his opinion on the matter?
Well, it must be our lucky day. Hamish Thompson – the father of prostitute Jenny Thompson – has offered a sincere apology to Colleen Rooney. So that’s that sorted out, then.
He’s met loads of aliens. Admittedly most of them looked identical to minor 1960s television actresses and, by ‘met’, we obviously mean that William Shatner has tried poking his fingers up their mimsies at least once in a boneheaded and morally dubious explanation of what love is, but he’s definitely met them. And that’s why he’s so certain that there is life on other planets.
Yes, William Shatner has come out and conclusively stated his belief in aliens. And, yes, the reason we’re telling you this is because arse-all else has happened today and we’d clearly prefer to screech on about nothing than do decent thing and just shut up for a change. Happy now?
10 – THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER ONE…
9 – Who wants to make people out of acorns? – Craftjr
8 – Oh Pamela Anderson. Ick – AmyGrindhouse
7 – OLD BOOZE – Asylum
6 – THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER TWO…
5 – Seven awesome things about a Celine Dion magazine cover – BestWeekEver
4 – Giant, slow-motion popping bubbles – Geekologie
3 – Ronnie Corbett’s Supper Club sounds AWESOME – WatchWithMothers
2 – Warning: you will never be able to unwatch this – Warmingglow
You have to. Even though deep down you realise that they’re both a bit insultingly crap. Anyway, if you prefer Strictly Come Dancing, today is your lucky day – the list of celebrity participants for this year’s series have just been announced. And if you like painfully long lists of people you don’t really recognise, then you’re about to be catapulted into heaven.
So here are the 2010 Strictly Come Dancing participants. Remember, some of these celebrities will be good at dancing, and some will be rubbish at dancing, and at least one will end up getting off with their professional dancer. But who? Well, Patsy Kensit, obviously. But we’ve already said too much. After the jump…
But there are differences. In Harry Potter, it’s basically taken as granted that all the characters are timid virgins – except for Dumbledore, of course, who spends most of his free time engaged in all sorts of bizarre kinky sex acts in a disused Hogwarts dungeon – while everyone in Twilight is so obsessed with sex that they can’t even brush their hair or smile or learn how to breathe quietly.
And this has riled Harry Potter‘s Emma Watson. She’s accused Twilight‘s Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart of ‘selling sex’. Which isn’t true, obviously – anyone with half a brain can see that sex with either Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart would be like sex with a disinterested shop mannequin that’s been left out in the rain for months – but anyway, this is a fight and fights are cool.
If you’ve even only played one Eyezmaze game you’ll already know how Grow Valley works – you pick a bunch of items in a certain order to see how they interact with each other. But even by previous standards, Grow Valley is impressively intricate. This time you can develop phones and computers and each individual component can talk to each other and, oh, it’s so so much fun. We don’t want to spoil the ending, but this is definitely a game worth persevering with.
First the wife is outraged. Then the wife hurls the footballer out of his home. Then, remembering that the footballer earns more in a week than they would in two years, the wife takes the footballer back. Then, in some cases, they’ll write a song explaining how they plan to fight for their love. This is the way the world works.
Right now, following claims that Wayne Rooney has been banging whores again, Coleen Rooney is at stage two of this process. But she might be about to break the pattern – according to reports, Coleen has claimed that she won’t take Wayne back because she doesn’t need him any more. The moral here is that nothing empowers women more than a brief appearance in a advert for Marks & Spencer knickers.
3) Wash yourself proficiently. 4) Have a bucketload of red-hot simulated sex with Kristen Stewart. All of these are completely true but, for the purposes of this story, the last one is the most relevant. You see, in a bid to prove that she’s more than just a glower and a series of miffed exhalations, Kristen Stewart has decided to star in On The Road, a film where she gets to have sex with all sorts of men, presumably while on some sort of road.
And this has irked Robert Pattinson. According to some reports, it has irked him to the point where he’s decided to hang out on set during the shoot and stare at Kristen Stewart’s genitals to make sure that nothing goes in. Or something. Either way, ugh.
So we’ll just say it. It’s Lindsay Lohan. She’s made a successful film. We know. Weird, isn’t, it? Lindsay Lohan made a film that people willingly gave up some of their money to see. Bizarre, isn’t it? Lindsay Lohan. Who knew?
Fortunately Lindsay Lohan hasn’t become a total success, because that’d be berserk. But her film Machete has made the weekend box office top five, almost beating the new George Clooney film The American. But that hardly matters. Lindsay Lohan is a success again. And you know what that means? COCKTAILS! US weekend box office top five after the jump…