It wouldn’t have been successful. She’s Halle Berry for crying out loud – if she hadn’t laughed directly in your face for having the brazen temerity to even think that you had a shot at her, then her merciless hoots of derision as she took her first glance at your gnarled, withered excuse for a semi-erect penis would have destroyed your chances for sure. She’s Halle Berry. You’re just some bloke. Gain some perspective, for God’s sake. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Anyway. The point is that even if Halle Berry wasn’t so far out of your league that you barely even count as the same species, it’s too late. Apparently she’s going out with Olivier Martinez now. So, you know, please continue to be pointless and lonely.
All anyone wants is for Halle Berry to be happy. Actually, that’s not strictly true – all anyone really wants is for Halle Berry to make a film that isn’t so utterly hopeless from beginning to end that they invariably start hacking away at their flesh with the nearest piece of jagged metal they can find just to make the whole experience less painful – but the happiness thing probably comes in as a close second in the desire stakes, alongside wanting her to take her clothes off more.
And, finally, it looks like Halle Berry has achieved the happiness that we’ve all been wishing for. Yes, admittedly you may have thought that she’d achieved happiness when she married that guy, or when she married that other guy, or when she had that baby with another guy who didn’t have anything to do with either of the two previous guys, but you’d be wrong. Because those things only made Halle Berry unhappy.
But now there have been reports that Halle Berry has enjoyed the occasional furtive snog with Olivier Martinez, the co-star of her new film, we’re definitely ready once and for all to say forever that Halle Berry has discovered lifelong happiness that will never ever go away ever again ever. The New York Daily News reports:
The new lovebirds were reportedly spotted kissing and cozying up to each other as they explored Martinez’s hometown of Paris. “It was the classic ‘I’m going to kiss you here in a dark corner’ move,” a spy said of the couple. “And she was waiting to be kissed.” Before heading back to the actor’s home, the pair reportedly stopped along a narrow street to engage in a two-minute long smoochfest in a doorway.
So let’s all just be happy for Halle Berry, OK? Let’s all be happy that one incredibly good-looking millionaire had an encounter with another incredibly good-looking millionaire that’s several times more romantic than anything any of us normal people will ever experience in our entire meaningless lives. OK? That doesn’t make us want to crawl into a corner and weep at all.