Why is that bad news? Because, obviously, if you have any pikeys in your family, there’s a chance that you’re going to get a bottle of this muck for Christmas. Apparently Intimately Yours smells of oranges and frozen basil, which we assume is a polite way of saying that it smells like earwax and vinegar and what Pot Noodles smell like if you wee into them and leave it for a month. Who knows. Either way, it sounds terrible.
But now the good news: David and Victoria Beckham have made a TV commercial for Intimately Yours, and it’s such a flurry of superfast information that we’re going to have to decode it scene by scene after the jump for you. Hooray? HOORAY!
In the interests of fairness, it’s only right that we should present you with the full advert for David and Victoria Beckham’s Intimately Yours. You can thank us for subjecting you to this later, possibly when you’ve finished trying to punch your own eyeballs out…
Did you catch all that? No? You didn’t? Even though it was only 22 seconds long and so painfully simplistic that even a child could understand it? What are you, stupid? Are you actually stupider than a child? Is that it? Honestly, you make us sick, you dribbling sub-infant. Look at you. But, oh fine, because you clearly don’t have the cerebral capacity to process moving images, let’s break the David and Victoria Beckham Intimately Yours ad down into stills for you. But we won’t forget this, oh no.
DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 1
David Beckham is just hanging out in a lift, in a tuxedo, probably on his way to start the first shift of his new job as a waiter in a shitty Italian restaurant or something, when he spies a woman walking towards him. “Hello hello,” he thinks, “David Beckham’s luck is about it to be IN. This looks like… could it be?”
DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 2
“Bugger it,” David Beckham thinks, clearly miffed. “This isn’t Rebecca Loos after all. It’s the wife. Bollocks, I thought I was on for a quick shag then. What if she starts singing at me? Oh God, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Why does my life has to be so relentlessly shit?”
DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 3
DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 4
“I REGRET NOTHING!” Victoria Beckham shouts as David Beckham squeezes the life out of her with his thumbs. “Nothing?” David Beckham replies. “Well, maybe the Spice Girls getting back together wasn’t such a great idea,” Victoria Beckham replies after a period of thoughtful consideration. “And that duet with Dane Bowers wasn’t very good. And remember when I pierced my lip? Jesus, I COMPLETELY regret that. In fact, all of my solo career. And most of my haircuts, for that matter. And, God I forgot, I made us name one of our kids ‘Romeo’, didn’t I? What a bellend…”
“Yeah, alright, bloody hell, I didn’t want your life story,” says David Beckham, and then makes sure that he definitely kills her for good just so he doesn’t have to listen to her whiny voice any more.
DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 5
Fortunately David Beckham has just the thing to convince the world that Victoria Beckham is still alive – an inflatable sex doll modelled on a moderately-priced prostitute. Nobody could possibly tell the difference. But what’s this? A puncture? In her neck? Oh no!
DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 6
So David Beckham does his best to re-inflate the doll through its mouth before his evil secret is revealed. But it’s no good – air is still escaping from the neck. And the lift doors are opening. You’re just going to have to wing it, David!
DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 7
So he does. As the lift doors open, an exhausted David stands next to his withered, vacant-looking inflatable sex doll that’s been dressed up to look like Victoria Beckham. Ironically, the fact that the doll is withered and vacant is exactly what convinces so many people that it’s actually the real Victoria Beckham. David Beckham is victorious again! Now buy his perfume or something OR YOU’LL BE NEXT.