Everyone’s sixth favourite Spice Girl, Jerry Halliwell is set for an AMAZING solo comeback. The singer, famous for her patriotically flag-based dresses and impressively jarring personality has SENSATIONALLY revealed that she’s started plans to record her FOURTH album.
Red-Head Spice, as she was known in her ‘Spice’ Girls days, plans to release the follow-up to her last compact disc Passion (which rocketed straight into the UK’s top 41 in 2005) on her own label, Labia Records.
Geri’s also rumoured to have signed up X Factor types Bellamy to the label for their debut album. Read More >>>
Cows are pure evil. Think about it – Satan has hooves, cows have hooves. Satan has horns, cows have horns. That’s not a coincidence.
Well alright, it is a coincidence. Cows are still arseholes though. But don’t just take our word for it (actually, do. We’re not prepared to look into this enough to present you with reliable sources and empirical research or any of that – just take our word for it).
Perhaps they have good reason to be arseholes, especially to us humans. What other animal do we exploit as much as the cow? We literally milk them dry. Milk them dry, cut ‘em into burgers and wrap their skin around us. Read More >>>
Celebrities. We love hating them. You do too if you were being honest with yourselves. In fact, you probably love the ones you hate more than the ones you love. So with that, let us poke some celebrities with a great big shitty stick for no reason at all. We’ll berate you while we’re at it.
And so, here’s something to make you all feel a bit better about your pointless, futile lives. Ugly celebrities! Look at them! Look at their faces! Look at their ugly, celebrity faces! Makes you sick, eh? They’re disgusting.
Urgh!
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Scorpions will kill you. Don’t argue with us, they will. Klaus Meine, the lead singer of the German heavy metal band, is responsible for the deaths of almost 1,000 people alone!
NOTE: Sony Germany’s lawyers have asked us to point out that Klaus Meine has never been convicted of, charged for or even accused of murder. That opening paragraph was just an hilarious joke that we used to indicate the tone of the piece (irreverent/jokey). Although admittedly, the joke only really works if you’re familiar with obscure European hair rock bands of the 1980’s. Statistically, our readership profiling research suggests that less than 5% of you will have heard of Scorpions, so that opening really should probably have been rewritten. Come to think of it, this second paragraph explaining the Scorpions reference and then explaining itself also should have been cut.
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World Cup excitement has reached fever pitch. Fever pitch. That was a joke; see how easily they come to us? Fantastic…
We’ve all watched a lot of football recently. We’ve all watched a lot of football adverts recently as well. Here are the four worst World Cup ads, the four that make us wish we were North Korean goalkeepers about to die in mysterious circumstances…
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Jonathan Rhys Meyers is known for being a loud and abusive drunken idiot, so it’s quite refreshing to hear a new twist on his persona and here it is: He’s now allegedly a loud and abusive, racist drunken idiot! And he’s going back to rehab. Again.
After drinking vodka shots a JFK airport lounge before 7am and getting completely shitfaced, airport staff refused to allow the Irish actor on to his flight to LA.
Jonathan was quite rightly outraged at this – after all, why can’t a world famous actor, who has already been into rehab three times before, having already been arrested for being drunk at an airport twice, neck a bucketful of vodka and stagger on to a plane, allegedly hurling racist slurs at staff? Eh? Don’t they know WHO HE IS???
So he did what any self-respecting Hollywood piss artist would do and lashed out furiously, liberally using the N-word for good measure. And even for a spoilt, drunken idiot, that’s low…
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Alwight?
You might have ‘eard about me, Danny Dyer*, ‘avin’ a dust-up with Twat magazine last week ’cause of that palaver where I said summink about striping some bird’s boat race an’ that. Well, ‘cause of that, they told me to sling me ‘ook.
Thankfully, those diamond geezers at some website called ‘ecklerspray ‘ave decided to snap me up for me own agony uncle section, called ‘Dear Danny’. Which is ‘andy, ‘cause none of the other mags were interested. I asked ‘em all: Tits, Piss, Jizz, Balls, Spunk, Shit, Toss, Wank and The Radio Times. No one wanted ol’ Danny.
I don’t spend all my free time poncing about on the internet like you poofs, so I’d never even ‘eard of ‘ecklerspray. Now I aint a mug, so I went round me mate Gary’s drum, fired up his laptop and ‘ad a quick butcher’s at the site. Now I’m no expert, but I reckon it looks sound. Not a lot o’ minge or motahs like, but I thought, since they’re paying me half a monkey and a dozen voles, I’ll ‘ave some of it.
So let’s ‘ave some now shall we?
Luvvly!
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Us cool dudes at hecklerspray aren’t perfect. In a bid to be totally sick and wicked and bad and whatever for you kids, we sometimes make mistakes, speak out of line or go a bit too near the knuckle.
The trouble is, and we’ll use a metaphor that you young people might understand, we’re constantly ’Hanging Ten’ on the gnarly waves of cutting edge celebrity gossip on ‘Surfboards’ made from insight, honesty and a childish fixation with willies and fannies. All while wearing a wetsuit of journalistic integrity or something like that.
But every now and again, we ‘Wipeout’, which I’m sure you will all is agree is ‘Bogus’ (is that the right word?). Sometimes our wetsuit falls off and our willies and fannies hang out for all the fish to see. That’s right, we have both. If you wanna see, meet us behind Google in five minutes…
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