Dear Danny…

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Alwight?

You might have ‘eard about me, Danny Dyer*, ‘avin’ a dust-up with Twat magazine last week ’cause of that palaver where I said summink about striping some bird’s boat race an’ that. Well, ‘cause of that, they told me to sling me ‘ook.

Thankfully, those diamond geezers at some website called ‘ecklerspray ‘ave decided to snap me up for me own agony uncle section, called ‘Dear Danny’. Which is ‘andy, ‘cause none of the other mags were interested. I asked ‘em all: Tits, Piss, Jizz, Balls, Spunk, Shit, Toss, Wank and The Radio Times. No one wanted ol’ Danny.

I don’t spend all my free time poncing about on the internet like you poofs, so I’d never even ‘eard of ‘ecklerspray. Now I aint a mug, so I went round me mate Gary’s drum, fired up his laptop and ‘ad a quick butcher’s at the site.  Now I’m no expert, but I reckon it looks sound. Not a lot o’ minge or motahs like, but I thought, since they’re paying me half a monkey and a dozen voles, I’ll ‘ave some of it.

So let’s ‘ave some now shall we?

Luvvly!

Dear Danny,

I’m 23, not a bad-looking bloke with a decent job, but I broke up with my missus a few months ago and can’t get over her. She seems to be doing fine. Any advice?

Alex, Manchester

Danny says: You’ve got nothin’ to worry about, son. I’d suggest going out for a nice meal at a local restaurant with your family, taking up tennis and perhaps trying a dating website. And then when some bird falls for you, you can buy ‘er a necklace.

Of course, the other option is to cut down on thinking about your ex quite so much.

Or, for a monkey, me and Gary’ll go round ‘er manor, strangle her, cut off ‘er ‘ands and feet, smash out her teeth and burn her in Epping Forest. We can’t do next week though, we’re ‘avin’ it in Kavos.

Lemme know.

Dear Danny,

Do you believe that Rene Descartes was right about his theory of epistemology and the origins of knowledge when he said that most ideas are innate in man’s intellect?

Trevor, Norwich

Blaaaady ‘ell, Trev! Well, I reckon that if man had innate ideas, we’d be conscious of having them, wouldn’t we?. It’s an undeniable fact that children, savages, the unlearned, are not conscious of ‘avin’ innate ideas; they all acquire knowledge durin’ the course of a lifetime. It is impossible that anyone should have knowledge of something of which he is not conscious.

Furthermore, experience teaches that certain moral principles and the notion of God, far from being innate, vary with different people and at different times. ‘ence there exists no innate idea; our intellect, at the first moment of its being, is a tabula rasa, a clean sheet of paper on which nothing has yet been written.

Though saying that, since I was born, I’ve always been able to tell the size of a bird’s tits just by lookin’ at ‘em.

If you’ve got a question for Danny, leave it in the comments box.

See ya’ next week, ya’ mugs!

Not *the* Danny Dyer, obviously. Another one. Honest.

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Comments

  1. hoohaahee says

    Lol, hilarious.

    Except for danny dyer: he’s a mockney “clown shoes” muppet.

  2. JMTaylor says

    “Though saying that, since I was born, I’ve always been able to tell the size of a bird’s tits just by lookin’ at ‘em”. So funny that I actually laughed!

  3. hoohaahee says

    @ Danny Dyer

    I’m laughing at you, ya talentless mockney pretend gang-star fanny.

    Oh GOD! how I wish this was the real Danny Dyer.

    Just in case it is though: Danny, on behalf of the British public (and humanity as a whole) we’d just like to say:

    - kill yourself
    - you’re a CAHNT.

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