Celebrities. We love hating them. You do too if you were being honest with yourselves. In fact, you probably love the ones you hate more than the ones you love. So with that, let us poke some celebrities with a great big shitty stick for no reason at all. We’ll berate you while we’re at it.
And so, here’s something to make you all feel a bit better about your pointless, futile lives. Ugly celebrities! Look at them! Look at their faces! Look at their ugly, celebrity faces! Makes you sick, eh? They’re disgusting.
Here is the most complete and comprehensive (read: Thrown together and liable to change in our minds every 30 seconds or so) list of minging famous people.
Let’s laugh at their hideous faces.
Try it out now.
“HAHAHAHA! YOU UGLY SONOFABITCH! HAHAHA! *wheeze* HAHAHAHA!”
Guilt inducingly fun, eh?
Trust us when we say, that feeling of guilt will grow and grow until you reach the point where you’re just laughing and you don’t really know why. You’ll just be cackling to yourself with tears streaming down your lumpy little face while people with more money and less talent stroke themselves in their ivory towers.
So. Here we go.
Let’s rip these ugly fuckheads. They deserve it.
James Dean famously lived by the mantra, ‘Live fast, die young and leave a good-looking corpse’ and anyone with the slightly morbid curiosity to have tracked down the pictures of JD post-crash (and of course, Meatloaf) can tell you that two out of three aint bad.
Michael Jackson was such a fan of the Rebel Without a Cause that he chose to follow this way of life too. Unfortunately for the King of Pop, the waxy build-up in his ears and refusal to wear reading glasses through some kind of misplaced vanity meant that he never fully understood the phrase. Instead, Jackson understood it to be ‘Live fast, fuck the young and leave a pale, disgusting, wizened ol’ rusk of a corpse’.
A once handsome man, made ugly through choice. What a shame.
Famously a friend of Michael Jackson and a once ugly man made even uglier through choice. Though being married to Liza Minelli probably didn’t help.
The Bride of Wilderstein has spent almost $4m on surgery. $4m. Four. Million. Dollars. Four million. To look like that. To have that face she spent four million dollars. Four. Four million.
Now we like Marty Feldman. He’s a fine comic actor who’s brought us a lot of joy over the years, so we’ll not say anything rude here. But we couldn’t leave him off this list, we just couldn’t. Sorry, Marty.
Footballers get girls – it’s what they do. Well, playing football is what they do; having sex with cheap tarts with Daddy issues is more of a sideline, really. Either way, they get plenty of free meat to grind their swollen Valentino’s (do people still wear Valentino’s…?) against in Funky Buddha’s on a Tuesday night. These girls are pretty indiscriminate about who they gobble off in a Paddington Travelodge. Hecklerspray knows this because we have it on pretty good authority that West Ham midfielder and pug dog impersonator Kieron Dyer has had sex with up to four different women! Unbelievable!
So imagine how ugly you’d have to be to have to pay for it if you’re a footballer, especially one of the highest-paid and highest-profile English players. So ugly in fact, that oftentimes the only brass you can pick up is a squalid old slapper in her fifties.
So ugly that the only legitimate lookalike you have is an animated ogre.
Just really, really ugly.
Nobody minded Lyle being an unattractive man pre-1993. Country singers are supposed to look a little down-trodden, a little world-weary. Lovett pushed it a bit with his David-Lynch-after-an-acid-in-the-face-attack look, but people were cool with it. Then he married Pretty Woman Julia Roberts and the world began simultaneously vomiting with disgust and rage. It’s always slightly irksome to see a good-looking lady holding hands with an ugly bugger down the high street, but this took the biscuit. Took the biscuit, injected it with the DNA of an inbred gargoyle and smashed it against a wall.
Thankfully, Lovett and Roberts divorced in 1995. Now he’s with a lady called April Kimble. WHO’S ALSO FIT!
Where’s that biscuit? We’re gonna vomit on it.
It’s been said that ugly actor/director Steve Buscemi fell out of the ugly tree and was hit by every ugly branch on the way down. That’s the kind of lazy, hurtful metaphor that ugly people like the ugly Steve Buscemi have to deal with every day. It’s this kind of malicious remark that hecklerspray wants to clear up right now and tell you that this is an ugly lie.
In fact, Steve ‘Ugly Steve’ Buscemi fell into an ugly bush and was hit by every leaf on the way into it. Poor (ugly) Steve
Kerry has an unusually monstrous mush. She suffers from a unique problem that doctors call ‘Westbrook’s Mug’, where her natural, tiny council estate face has folded in on itself after years of steady cocaine face-collapse. Experts claim that years of binging on free frozen pavlovas and massive rings of cheap frozen prawns have only served to exacerbate the problem.
Although, let’s not forget that she had quite a nice rack in the nineties. That’s not meant to be funny, it’s just true. Go on – open a new tab and Google it. We’ll wait…
John C. Reilly
It’s a little known fact that John C. Reilly has undergone extensive facial reconstruction surgery. “Oh my God – what did he look like before?!” We hear you rudely interrupt. Well, if you’ll let us finish (Jeeeeesus…), we’ll tell you…
In the late eighties, Reilly was using his given name, Maxwell O’Steel and was regularly voted America’s most handsome man. He looked like Orlando Bloom, sculpted from platinum and covered in sex. But he couldn’t get the parts his acting chops deserved. No one took him seriously. So Maxwell decided to downgrade both his name and face, deciding on the boring moniker, ‘John C. Reilly’ and opting for face #337 from the surgeon’s book, ‘Kangaroo’s Scrotum Pulled Over a Sports Bag Full of Used Car Parts’. And the rest is history…
It’s easy to mock Sandra Bernhard for being ugly because of her massive mouth. The truth is if you want to be able to dislocate your jaw and eat an entire bison like she can, it has to be pretty big. And the same goes for being able to get your mouth around Madonna’s vagina (allegedly, etc., etc., etc.).
So there you have it. If those disgusting things can make it big, then even you can! Well, not you. You’re awful. In fact, can you stop looking at us please?