Us cool dudes at hecklerspray aren't perfect. In a bid to be totally sick and wicked and bad and whatever for you kids, we sometimes make mistakes, speak out of line or go a bit too near the knuckle.
The trouble is, and we?ll use a metaphor that you young people might understand, we're constantly ?Hanging Ten? on the gnarly waves of cutting edge celebrity gossip on ?Surfboards? made from insight, honesty and a childish fixation with willies and fannies. All while wearing a wetsuit of journalistic integrity or something like that.
But every now and again, we ?Wipeout?, which I'm sure you will all is agree is ?Bogus? (is that the right word?). Sometimes our wetsuit falls off and our willies and fannies hang out for all the fish to see. That's right, we have both. If you wanna see, meet us behind Google in five minutes?
Now, we kind of suggested yesterday that miniature pop-louse Justin Bieber may have a sexual penchant for youngsters. We've since realised that it's not very nice to bandy unfounded accusations like that about. We certainly wouldn't say things like that about anyone else, say for instance, Michael Jackson, would we? So we're re-waxing our integrity boards and thinking on?
But while we do that, here?s news that Kim Kardashian?s a kiddy-fiddler!
The former Playboy model lured the Peter Beale-a-like Bieber (American readers – Google it. See?) into her sordid web of age-gap lust at the 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington D.C. on Saturday night. She Tweeted after the event:
“I officially have Bieber Fever!!”
In the 17th Century, Parisian doctors would often treat cases of Bieber fever with amputation and a rectumful of leeches. Luckily for Kardashian, she lives in LA, it's the 21st Century and we made that up.
Bieber returned the favour by posting a picture of the pair onto his own Twitter feed with the text:
“Look it's my girlfriend Kim Kardashian.”
If you consider that the fluffy-haired pillock has more than two million followers on Twitter – all of who are pre-pubescent girls – you can practically hear the collective sighs, cries and self-harming that would have greeted his comment.
Could there be something to this half-arsed rumour/story? Probably not, but we've got a word count to hit, okay?
All this business is nothing new, the pair would only be walking in the Nabokovian footsteps of such anti-establishment icons and challengers of moral acceptance as Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley and Katie Price and Gareth Gates.
The dwarf-king munchkin of nothing could have to experience his first wank alone, though, as Kardashian is reportedly dating Real Madrid midfielder Cristiano Ronaldo. This will, in all likelihood, mean that the smooth-faced prince of blandy-blandy-beige-bollock-pop-blah-blah-blah may have to look elsewhere for the older lady he desires.
Perhaps the newly single Susan Sarandon? But then Madonna?s bound to be up for it. Maybe even the late Jessica Tandy?
So, once again, can we just point out that Justin Bieber is not interested in having sex with children.
He wants to fuck dead old women.
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