It Will Kill You: Hippos

If there’s one thing you should have learnt from It Will Kill You by now, it’s that animals are big hard buggers who hate you and want you dead. And we mean all of them: rats, bats, eels, seals, anteaters and, er, well you get the idea.

They don’t get a lot bigger and tougher than the Hippopotamus.

Now I know you, dear, sweet and naïve Hecklerspray readers. You’re sitting there in your lovely comfy chair idly thinking about a big ol’ friendly Fantasia hippo in a tutu dancing with a crocodile, aren’t you?

AREN’T YOU?

The name Hippopotamus comes from the Greek for ‘swamp bastard’ and refers to one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Why are they dangerous? Because they weigh up to 8,000lbs, can run 20mph and are hungry most of the time.

Yeah, that’s right – hungry, hungry hippos. Ha ha ha. Get it out of your systems.

Badvertising: BT

There are plenty of reasons to hate television advertising. The very fact that six Hoxton-finned bastards in two grand suits get paid six-figure salaries to ‘touch base’ and talk about the best way to con you out of your pocket money should be enough.

Stylistically, the most common reason that you’d hate an ad at the moment is probably that the ‘creatives’ have cynically designed it as a thirty second blast of brain-shredding torture which instantly lobotomises you. The kind of Clockwork Orangesque propaganda that leaves your brain wiped of reason, emotion and love and replaced with a jingle.

Or a catchphrase from a fucking meerkat. You know who we’re talking about: GoCompare, We Buy Any Car (dot com!), Compare The Market, that sort of guff.

At the other end of the irritability scale are the adverts of high pretension. You’ve got Nicole Kidman or Scarlett Johansson or Josh Hartnett… and they’re prancing around at a movie premiere on Jupiter, flashing you their bums and shooting diamonds out of their eyes. In the background there’s some ridiculously fashionable Parisian dub-jazz that you should’ve heard before, but you haven’t because you’re not as cool as Nicole Kidman or Scarlett Johansson or Josh Hartnett. You can’t really relate to any of that lot as you watch from your bedsit in Egham, can you?

Becks’ Sex Texts: In Context and Contest

There are many differences between Americans and the British. They are a young, driven country, full of hope and motivated by optimism, pride and a sense of moral justice. We are a reserved, sardonic people steeped in heritage and history. We watch The Office, they watch The Office: An American Workplace.

It doesn’t end there though.

Americans are sickeningly obese, greedy, witless, war-mongering and bigoted idiots who shit hot dogs, Smith & Wessons and Dr. Dre CDs ‘outta their fuckin’ asses’.

The British are stuttering, spineless, buck-toothed homosexuals with an inflated sense of their own self-importance, shitting buttered crumpets, umbrellas and Alan Bennett monologues ‘out of their bloody arses’.

Heidi Montag To Add Another Broken String to Her Bow

Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.

Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.

Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.

AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!

Top Ten Ridiculous Movie Edits For TV

There are certain places that you’re allowed to swear: in the bedroom of a loved one during some sort of steamy romp, a rum-fuelled pool party round Samuel L. Jackson’s house, a Derek & Clive record.

But there are other places where it’s not so cool to swear: in the bedroom of a dying relative during some sort of last rites, a fundraiser for a Pentecostal Church-sponsored under-eight’s netball team, ON AMERICAN TELEVISION AT ANY TIME AT ALL.

What happens when sweary movies are shown on some of the more sensitive US networks? I mean, the best films feature those dastardly curse-words, don’t they? Whether it’s Joe Pesci telling some ‘C-word’ to go ‘eff his Mother’, Jason Statham telling you to ‘suck his so and so’ or Clark Gable telling Olivia de Havilland in Gone With The Wind that, “Quite frankly, you fucking slag, I couldn’t give a fisherman’s piss!”

Hot Tub Time Machine Trailer! Decoded!

William Shakespeare once wrote, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And what better way to start a look at the trailer for a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine than a quote from The Bard of Avon?

But what is in a name? I don’t know about you, but if there isn’t some sort of chronology-altering device whose primary function is the storage of heated water for recreational relaxation therapy, I’m going to be extremely disappointed by this trailer. Let’s decode it…

American Idol: Cowell & DeGeneres (Probably) Hate Each Other

American Idol newbie Ellen DeGeneres (who has a name containing more Es than Lil Wayne’s tour bus) and head honcho Simon Cowell have reportedly fallen out behind the scenes of the talent show.

Apparently the frostiness between the pair began after Cowell pitched up an hour and a half late for the first day of Ellen’s tenure as a judge on the show. Problems have worsened recently because – and get this – Ellen thinks that Simon Cowell is quite rude to some of the contestants at times. He’s kept that quiet hasn’t he? How has no one noticed before?

Top Ten TV Breakdowns!

The sixties were all about ‘Free love’. The seventies was the age of great movie-making and music. The eighties was epitomised by consumerism and the 1990’s had er, the Tamagotchi.

Every decade becomes synonymous with a particular movement, fashion or mood. As such, the 2010’s (or ‘Teens’ as it’s known to total idiots) will henceforth be known as the ‘Decade Where People Broke Down Or Cried A Bit On Telly’. So far, we’ve had the usually stone-faced political spin doctor Alistair Campbell wobble on Andrew Marr’s BBC show and news that Gordon Brown gets emotional during his soon-to-be-televised interview with Piers Morgan. Though surely just hearing that the PM had to meet PM would have been enough to cause hysterical weeping on a grand scale.

Kicking off the ‘Teens’ – sorry, 2010’s – Cry-O-Vision trend was of course the King of Hearts himself, Peter Andre. To celebrate the upcoming ten years of televisual tears, let’s take a look back at that and some other celebrities secreting liquid from their lacrimal glands in response to emotional stress. Why? Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT…!

It Will Kill You: Box Jellyfish

bjConsider the following: Beverley Callard in a WonderBra, cute little Gary Coleman, Michael Jackson fans somehow being able to use computers. All proof that looks can be deceiving.

Further proof of this can be found in one of nature’s more bizarre creations, the Box Jellyfish. They are an abomination so absurd that you can only imagine Mother Nature made them with the bits left over from creating the rest of Earth. Those bits being a discarded lunchbox, half a Morrison’s carrier bag, some Sellotape and a bucketful of phlegm.

Put that lot together and you are left with something that looks less like A Deadly Predator Of The Sea and more like An Art Project By Six-Year-Old Boy With ADHD. But do you remember when we said that bit about ‘looks can be deceiving’? in the last paragraph? Good, because the Box Jellyfish is a bastard.

Top 12: Drunk-Seeming Celebrity TV Appearances

orNot so long ago Uncle Hecklerspray sat you on its knee and told you about Mariah Carey’s champagne-inspired ‘Best Breakthrough Actress’ award acceptance speech at the Palm Springs International Film Festival awards.

Well, it’s time to nestle yourselves back onto Uncle’s lap again. That’s it, get comfortable. Why don’t you fetch yourself a nice big mug of Horlick’s and listen to your Uncle H tell you about some more celebrities who’ve been on TV worse for wear. Say, 12 of them? Okay.

Just don’t touch Uncle Hecklerspray’s beard while he’s talking…