Badvertising: Worst World Cup Ads

World Cup excitement has reached fever pitch. Fever pitch. That was a joke; see how easily they come to us? Fantastic…

We’ve all watched a lot of football recently. We’ve all watched a lot of football adverts recently as well. Here are the four worst World Cup ads, the four that make us wish we were North Korean goalkeepers about to die in mysterious circumstances…

Ladbrokes have employed possibly the two biggest dickheads the game has ever seen for their “let’s rinse those scumbag poor people out of some more while the World Cup is on, sorry we mean, ‘why not have a cheeky fiver on Rooney, eh?'” campaign. Thirty seconds of watching Ian fucking Wright and Chris Ka-fucking-mara poncing about a white studio like the pillocks they are is thirty seconds too long. In fact, one second is thirty seconds too long.

‘Oooh, but they’re legends, hecklerspray, legends! Leg-ends! Wa-hey! Du-der-du-der-du-du-du-du-der!’

Balls to that (balls, yeah? Like footballs? See? Amazing…).

Apparently the pair of them are supposed to represent all that is English in this ad – irritating idiots, incapable of coherent speech, dressed up like extras from a Channel Five remake of A Clockwork Orange and driving Mini Coopers. That’s what M&C Saatchi think of English people.

COME ON ENGLAND!

Even more unbelievably, McDonald’s think they can flog us more of their ‘food’ by getting Graham Taylor to drone faux-poetry over pictures of burgers and berks. I mean for the love of God, here’s an example:

“And the IT bods
with taps and prods
eating a Big Mac
while writing their blogs
were just passing by.”

Yeah, that was me, Graham. That was me ‘just passing by’ while writing this blog here, passing right by – on the way to a proper fucking restaurant. Do I not like you, you helmet. You thought you were hard done by after Euro 92? Well we would have superimposed your face onto a bell-end here at hecklerspray, not a turnip, Graham. A bell-end.

EN-GER-LAND…!

Former England managers and internationals haven’t finished debasing themselves for handfuls of change quite yet though.

What should have been the lowest point of John Barnes’s career – that dreadful World in Motion rap – has been recycled for Mars. JB is either so desperate for cash that he’ll do anything, or worse still (and more likely), he’s thinks he’s cool. He actually thinks he’s cool.

ENGLAND ‘TIL I DIE! I’M ENGLAND ‘TIL I DIE! I KNOW I AM, I SAY I AM, I’M ENGLAND ‘TIL I DIE!’

Now look at this…

If you’re English and can watch this ad for The Sun newspaper right through to the end without renouncing your British citizenship in its entirety, then we have nothing in common. Maybe you should start seeing another website.

DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES!

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Comments

  1. Chris says

    I quite like the Maccy D ads – faux or otherwise, at least they’re using poetry and I think that’s a good thing.

    For me, it’s the thinking behind every ad on the telly or in the press that’s depressing: “Hey! There’s some kind of kickball tournament going on! Hail that bandwagon!”

    My favourite so far is for Shrek 4 – The Scraping of the Barrel. Look! It’s Shrek! In a football shirt! And the line is “They think it’s all ogre – it is now.”

    FFS.

  2. Tom says

    You missed out the uber-twunt that is Ray Winstone, extolling us all to “bet in play, naaaah.” I’d be more likely to shit on his head,frankly.