For months, the six or seven people around the world who haven't already lost interest in this have been on the edge of their seats waiting to discover which of the two men who claim to have slept with Anna Nicole Smith is the father of her baby.
And the good news is there's less than three weeks until we can all find out, since Anna Nicole Smith has been ordered to submit baby Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern for her DNA paternity test by January 23 to finally out if the baby is part creepy lawyer dude or part creepy photographer dude. It'll be a big day when the results are announced, since that's when the man ultimately named as the father will simultaneously realise that a) he now has a tiny vulnerable human being to protect for the rest of his life and b) now everyone knows he did it with Anna Nicole Smith a bunch of times. Yeurrgh!
It takes a very special person to turn public sympathy over the death of their teenage son into something approaching flat-out hostility by the end of the year, but somehow Anna Nicole Smith has managed it. Ever since her son Daniel died of a drugs overdose, Anna Nicole Smith has had nothing but trouble. Lawyers have left her and she's not really welcome in the Bahamas any more, but all of that pales in comparison to all the fuss that's been made about Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn Hope.
If you can't remember, this is basically the story – Anna Nicole Smith doesn't tell anybody that she's pregnant with Dannielynn Hope, then – when she does – she's tight-lipped about who the father is. Eventually Howard K Stern – Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer at the US Supreme Court where she was chasing millions of dead oil magnate will dollars – comes forward and claims that he is the baby's father. This enrages photographer Larry Birkhead – who also claims he is the father – enough to demand a paternity DNA test. Anna Nicole Smith dodges one paternity meeting but was told by a court that the baby must have a DNA sample taken. Oh, and there was a fake marriage on a boat somewhere along the line, too, but we're not exactly sure where that all slots in.
But all this
potentially damaging squabbling fun must come to an end at some point, and chances are it'll be within the next three weeks, since that's when a judge has ruled that Anna Nicole Smith's paternity test must be carried out, as E! Online reports:
After months of public posturing and a legal tug-o-war, TrimSpa pitcher Anna Nicole Smith has finally been ordered to submit her four-month-old daughter, Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern, to a paternity test by Jan. 23. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Robert A. Schnider issued the deadline Tuesday, two weeks after he first ruled in favor of Smith's ex-boyfriend, former paparazzo Larry Birkhead.
That's 20 days away. Seriously, Jeremy Kyle does DNA tests in like an hour or something. Anyway, regardless of the paternity test results, Anna Nicole Smith must see them as a weight off her mind because they'll finally mark the point in time where she'll finally get to know the true identity of Dannielynn's father and allow the two of them to be able to start an honest relationship with each other afresh, while Anna Nicole Smith will free up some precious time to lurch about shrieking with her hoo-hah's slamming about all over the place, just like the good old days.