If Anna Nicole Smith ever appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show, her episode would be called I Had A Baby And Then My Son Died From Drugs And The Baby Is My Lawyer's But Someone Says It's His Too And I'm Naked Quite A Lot.
And we're starting to think that Jeremy Kyle is just about the only person who can sort out this whole Anna Nicole Smith paternity kerfuffle, although he'd have to dig deep to pull off the self-consciously withering look to end all self-consciously withering looks needed to make Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K Stern and Larry Birkhead see sense. Because now Anna Nicole Smith has missed an important paternity meeting with one of Larry Birkhead's lawyers, and now it's all kicking off bigstyle.
There was a time when every female on the planet wanted to be Anna Nicole Smith, whether they'd admit it or not. "The lucky cow," they thought, "why can't it be me that showers myself in obscene slow motion, paying the majority of attention to washing my breasts and completely ignoring my armpits which have probably built up a bit of a stink from having it away with blokes so much?" But, oh, how times change.
Now that Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been buried after it was discovered that a mixture of drugs killed him, all the attention has turned to Anna Nicole Smith's new baby Dannielynn Hope. As if you need reminding, two different men are claiming that they sent their team of swimmers up Anna Nicole Smith and got her pregnant.
In the red corner is Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K Stern who says that he and Anna fell in love at the US Supreme Court, with Anna Nicole Smith falling pregnant and the baby is definitely his and there's a fake wedding to prove it. In the blue corner, however, is Larry Birkhead – who says that he is the father of Dannielynn Hope and he wants a paternity test to prove it. And a drugs test for everyone, too, since the needles will already be out. But when it came to having the first meeting about Larry Birkhead's paternity suit with lawyer Debra Opri, Anna Nicole Smith bailed out, as E! Online reports:
The lawyer representing Larry Birkhead in his paternity suit against Anna Nicole Smith flew to the Bahamas over the weekend to interview the TrimSpa pusher. But come Monday, Smith was MIA for her scheduled deposition, claiming she was never properly served with the lawsuit. Her trip for naught, Opri issued a statement lashing out at Smith, saying the model was "legally obligated to appear" and her reason for being a no-show was "blatantly false," claims which Howard K. Stern has adamantly denied.
And now everyone's shouting each other a whole bunch. Debra Opri says:
"Accordingly, Mr. Birkhead will now use her non-appearance as grounds to strike her challenge to the California court jurisdiction. Her statement is a clear message to U.S. courts and to law-abiding citizens everywhere that she is above the law. This is a tragedy of a natural father, Larry Birkhead, who is being deprived of the bonding process of a father and his daughter… She has made it clear, she will never submit to a paternity test – a simple procedure lasting three seconds where a licensed doctor takes some saliva from the child's mouth with a Q-tip. It is non-invasive and non-intrusive. It is legal."
Meanwhile, Howard K Stern says:
"You really have to question the motives of Larry Birkhead and Debra Opri, his self-proclaimed 'celebrity lawyer' and 'media analyst.' I would love to know how much money Larry Birkhead has made licensing photos of Anna Nicole since the death of her son Daniel, because this nonsense about depositions that were supposed to have taken place today is nothing more than a publicity stunt… California courts don't just order paternity tests for every Tom, Dick or 'Larry' that comes along. Ms. Opri might be better served spending a few minutes in front of a legal book, instead of calling for press conferences and spouting off to the media."
We're beginning to get the feeling that this whole Anna Nicole Smith paternity test thing is going to rumble on for longer than we care to think about. There's only one rational way to sort this out – a jelly wrestle. But, you know, without Howard K Stern or Larry Birkhead, and female lawyers are never that sexy either. Basically, let's restore order by watching Anna Nicole Smith staggering a paddling pool full of jelly. It's the only way.
Read more:
Anna Nicole's Legal No-Show – E! Online
[story by Stuart Heritage]