What with Eddie Murphy carping on about how the baby inside Mel B isn't his, you'd be forgiven for forgetting the daddy of all effed-up, drawn-out DNA paternity tests – the one starring Anna Nicole Smith, her baby and her baby's two prospective dads.
And finally it looks like the riddle of Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy is about to come staggering to a messy conclusion, since a judge has ruled that Larry Birkhead – a photographer who says he totally did it with Anna Nicole Smith enough to knock her up – is allowed to put Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl Dannielynn Hope through a paternity test to see if the baby is his instead of one of Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer's or something. It seems like someone is going to have their heart broken by the results of the paternity test, which wouldn't have happened at all if Anna Nicole Smith has defended her word via a jelly-fight against ten Swedish girls in a paddling pool like we wanted.
One day Dannielynn Hope Smith is going to look up at Anna Nicole Smith and say "Mummy, what's the story of my life?" at which point Anna Nicole will sit her down, look lovingly into her eyes and say "Well dear, after I announced that I was pregnant with you through a confused video on the internet, you were born. And then your big brother died because he took too many drugs. And then we couldn't decide whether your Daddy was the lawyer I met when I was trying to get $88 million from the dead 89-year-old man I was married to, or if it was some other bloke I had sex with a lot."
Or at least that's what Anna Nicole Smith would have told little Dannielynn Hope, if only a judge didn't rule yesterday that she had to have a paternity test to see who the hell her father is. At the moment the choice is between Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer and occasional fake-marriage partner Howard K Stern or hardass photographer Larry Birkhead. Larry Birkhead is so confident that Anna Nicole Smith's baby is his that he has spent every day since Dannielynn Hope was born chasing a DNA paternity test that Anna Nicole Smith has done her best to avoid. But now it's unavoidable – a judge ordered the paternity test yesterday, as People reports:
A Los Angeles judge has ordered a paternity test to determine the father of Anna Nicole Smith's 3-month-old daughter Dannielynn Hope, PEOPLE has learned. The ruling, which was revealed on Thursday, came in a lawsuit filed by freelance photographer Larry Birkhead, who claims that he – and not Smith's fiancé Howard K. Stern – is the father of the infant. "If I was on anybody's Christmas list, they can scratch me off because this is the best Christmas present I could have ever received," Birkhead told PEOPLE. "I'm one step closer to beginning a relationship with my daughter."
That's cool, because we'd actually bought a speedboat that we were going to give Larry Birkhead for Christmas, but if he's happier with a bit of baby dribble on a swab and the realisation that everyone on the planet knows that he did it with that mental Anna Nicole Smith woman, so be it. We'll keep the speedboat for ourselves.
There's still all sorts of other legal wrangling to wade through before the paternity test can actually be carried out – for instance, there's now a genuine argument brewing about whether the test should take place in America or the Bahamas. We say they should do the test in a TV studio. On TV. On all the stations. Live. With Anna Nicole Smith Paternity Test Live: Floor-Pounding Loser's Reaction Special following immediately afterwards on ITV2. Presented by Tara Palmer Tomkinson.