When Britney Spears was the world's favourite nutjob, she could always be relied upon to leave confusing little mental messages to her fans through her website – and now Britney Spears is better, those messages get to all be about Jesus. Hooray for Britney Spears and hooray, to a lesser extent, for Jesus!
Desperate to show the world that there's more to her than taking out her vagina, shaving her head and calling herself the devil, Britney Spears has left a brand-new message to her fans on the official Britney Spears website. Usually we can never tell if messages on celebrity websites have been left by the celebrity themselves or just drafted up by a damage-limiting publicist, but Britney Spears' message – full of lines like "You are all in my prayers" and "We are all lights of the world" – has reassured us that either a) Britney Spears wrote it on her own or b) Britney Spears should fire her publicist as fast as she jolly well can.
Forget Rosie O'Donnell and Paul Daniels – when you want a celebrity to communicate directly to the fans on the internet, Britney Spears is top of the tree. True, Britney Spears will only communicate to you through bad poetry about Kevin Federline, weird babbling nonsense about how much she likes tigers or suspiciously professional apologies for always having her minge out, but who are we to pick holes?
With this in mind, a slightly apologetic, confused-sounding message left on her website was always going part of Britney Spears' public rehabilitation – because Britney Spears sure does have a whole lot of apologising to be getting on with. Sadly, though, it looks like anyone picking on Britney Spears will have to go through God first, because those two seem to be pretty good friends now. Here's what Britney Spears wrote:
The reason for this letter is to let everyone know that their prayers have truly helped me. I am so blessed that you care enough about me to be concerned and will continue to live in this brighter state with all of you by my side during this trying time. We are all the lights of the world and we all need to continually inspire others and look to the higher power. You are all in my prayers. Godspeed. Love, Britney.
While we don't want to pick holes in a fragile celebrity's first unsteady steps back into the limelight, we're going to anyway – Britney, we're not the lights of the world. We're the people of the world. Lights are the lights of the world. The clue's in the name.
Also – who on Earth has found time to pray for Britney Spears? Obviously there's that Britney Spears: Pray For Her website that always seems to link to anything we write about Britney, but we always figured that was a front for some kind of porno scam. By the time you'd kneeled at the foot of your bed asked God to stop Britney Spears collapsing in clubs, to stop Britney Spears vomiting on boys, to stop Britney Spears shaving her hair off and attacking cars with umbrellas and to stop Britney Spears going to rehab, daubing the number 666 across her head, loudly referring to herself as the Antichrist and trying to kill herself it'd be morning again and you'd spend the day staggering round in a sleep-deprived grump.
But, hey, it looks like some of you have been praying for Britney Spears, so well done for making her better if you have. Thanks to you, Britney Spears is having her first major religious experience since she started crying at a Hindu temple and then annoyed all the Christians on Will & Grace that one time.
So now Britney Spears has found God, maybe she can hire him as her new publicist. God would be able to tell Britney that miming a song in a nightclub isn't actually a comeback, and maybe he could also point out that leaving a religious message to your fans right next to a picture of you holding your tit like a Las Vegas hooker sort of sends mixed messages. We'd appreciate that.
Read more:
Rick says
try St. Jude it works.
All the best for you and your beautiful family & may you be stronger today and more successsful than ever.
Family and friends will play a key role.
Smile and the world will smile at you too !!